


Musical Notes

by khughes830



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, F/M, Humor, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-08
Updated: 2019-01-12
Packaged: 2019-03-28 18:22:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 51
Words: 58,710
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13909626
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/khughes830/pseuds/khughes830
Summary: I started this series over on FF.net in June 2017.  Basically I have a stupid amount of music on my phone so when I hear a song that inspires me to write Barson, I do it.  Some of these are connected, most are not.





	1. Chemicals React

 

* * *

_But the planets all aligned_  
_When you looked into my eyes_  
_And just like that_ _  
_ _The chemicals react_

**_-Aly & AJ (Chemicals React)_ **

* * *

_"Detectives Benson and Rollins, Rafael Barba. I lied and told them you know your way around a courtroom."_ When she shook his hand, there was something… a spark or a moment. It had been a very long time since she had felt that with anyone. But the way her hand fit in his, the way he held her gaze for a moment too long, the way he made a joke before he even knew if she would find it funny – it caused something in her to react to him.

_"OK, I'm confused. Harris told us you win cases that everyone else ducks."_

_"Sometimes."_

He cocked his eyebrow at her, holding her gaze in that moment. She felt her heart speed up. She was chalking it up to the heat of the moment and this big case and this larger than life man they were trying to hold accountable for his actions. But a part of her brain, the part she tried to ignore when it came to her life outside this job, was screaming at her. There was something else. He was something else. When he demanded to speak to Jocelyn, he challenged her. It got her blood pumping. She took a hard look at the man. She had known this man for a whopping 20 minutes and she found herself wondering how she was going to turn off his voice in her head once she left.

_"You may not like me when we're done."_

_"I don't like you now."_

_"Honesty. Good."_

He looked at her and she felt drawn to him. She could only watch, and do her best not to stare, as he pushed himself out of his chair, hand in his pockets, questioning Jocelyn. Getting her story. Working every angle so that he could win this for her and for them. She could feel her pulse race as Barba and Jocelyn talked back and forth, going over detail after detail. He perched on the corner of his desk and she took a moment to run her eyes over him, to appreciate his suit, his demeanor, his gorgeous green eyes.

And he won. In spectacular fashion. Playing to Cain's weakness, going so far past what she had ever seen anyone do to win a case. When Cain pulled too hard on the belt, choking him, Olivia felt a murderous rage in that moment. She had known this man just a few weeks and she already knew that she would fight with him as long as he was willing to fight with her. He turned to her after the verdict was read. She had wanted to blow him off. She figured him to be just another awful ADA in a long line of ADA's that had been through SVU since they lost Alex. But the look that they shared lead her to believe that he was more. That he would be more. And that part of her brain started screaming at her again. That he could be more to her. The thought made it hard for her to breathe for a moment.

Jocelyn declared on the steps that she still didn't like him and that made him smile. It bowled her over how OK with that he seemed to be. How he was taking it all in stride. Like it was par for the course. He understood, after one case, that it was ok that the victims hated them. That they weren't thankful. Her heart beat double time as she watched him walk away to address the reporters.

She stood there the whole time he talked, after Amanda and Jocelyn had left. She just watched him talking and charming the throng of reporters that had gathered. He was disarming, funny, handsome and just what she… THEY she told herself, shaking her head slightly… needed in the DA's office. They needed him.

The impromptu press conference broke up and he looked back over his shoulder to see her still standing there, watching him. He gave her a wry smile and walked back up to her, standing next to her.

"Harris said you would be my harshest critic. Did I pass the Olivia Benson test?" She smiled at him. "More than, Counselor."

"Perfect. I may just be able to enjoy my stint in Manhattan yet. I got the Benson seal of approval. Buy you a drink? Forlini's is just around the corner."

"Never been there" she said as he motioned for her to lead the way off the steps.

"You're going to love it, Detective. You are just going to love it." She chose to ignore how closely they walked to each other on their way to get a drink.


	2. Darkside

****_Nobody's a picture perfect_ __  
_But we're worth it_ __  
_You know that we're worth it_ __  
_Will you love me?_ _  
_ _Even with my dark side?_

**_-Kelly Clarkson (Darkside)_ **

* * *

He didn't even bother with the lights. He had left the lamp on his desk on when he left and he couldn't be bothered with anymore. He grabbed his scotch, a glass and dropped on the couch angry, upset, brooding.

He figured she wouldn't be far behind and he was right. He could feel her standing in the door way, staring at him.

"Barba?"

He ignored her, planning to dive deep into that bottle tonight.

"Barba, come on. You had to…"

"Decimate a child who was trying to save her dad? Did I really have to do that?" He took a long drink and poured more.

"Barba, she was coached into saying all that. That guy was trying to use his daughter as his alibi. You forced her to tell the truth."

He laughed angrily. "I forced her to choose a perfect stranger over her dad. This is who I am, apparently. Conniving, evil and without a heart and soul."

She felt Olivia sit down next to him on the couch. He couldn't even bring himself to look at her. He was a terrible person. Today just proved that.

"Will you look at me?"

He shook his head. "I mean, who does that? Who makes a kid cry hysterically on the stand? The looks those jurors gave me…"

"But they believed in the truth!"

"So. To what end? I destroyed that girl on the stand today. The win can't remove the image of her, glaring at me, wishing me dead."

"She's an angry 13-year-old girl who thought she was doing the right thing in protecting her father. They didn't mean those things they said to you after the verdict."

"Oh, yes they did, Olivia. Yes, they did. And they aren't wrong."

He watched her delicate hand take the glass out of his and sit it down. He still refused to look at her, so she grabbed his face, forcing him to turn toward her. He could feel the tears in his eyes and he prayed to keep them from falling down his face.

"You listen to me, Rafael Barba. Listen good. I know you. I know your heart. It is good and true and pure. We had to show her who her dad really is. She needs to heal from everything he put their family through. She couldn't do that while spinning that story. You forced her to see the truth. That makes you a great person. No one's perfect, but you prove yourself time and again to be an amazing ADA and man. This dark side that you think dominates you couldn't be further from the truth. You bring light and peace into the lives of the people we meet every day." He rolled his eyes at her.

"It's true. All the times you have pulled me out of the dark. Saved me from drowning in self-pity. Only a great man would do that. You are a great man. I wouldn't be here with you if you weren't. Some day that child will see what you did for her."

One of the tears slipped down his face as she pulled him in, hugging him tightly. He could count on one hand the number of times they had hugged. He wrapped his arms around her, leaning back, pulling her against him. He needed her to center him, to feel her warmth against him. He knew she was what he needed to beat back the darkness that had started to envelop him on his way back to his office.

"So, you don't think I'm Satan?"

"Only on Wednesdays" he heard her say. He laughed quietly and let go of the darkness and let Olivia lead him back to the light.


	3. Mr. Brightside

No lie. This song ranks as one of my top 10 favorite songs of all time. I love it so much. And if you follow me on Tumblr, the picture of Mariska walking down the street in the green dress really inspired this one. If you don't, see if you can find it. Or follow me over there (khughes830).

* * *

**_Jealousy, turning saints into the sea_ **   
**_Swimming through sick lullabies_ **   
**_Choking on your alibis_ **   
**_But it's just the price I pay_ **   
**_Destiny is calling me_ **   
**_Open up my eager eyes_ **

**_\- The Killers (Mr. Brightside)_ **

* * *

Anthony watched as Rafael Barba threw back his glass of top shelf scotch and waved him over for yet another refill.

"You wanna slow down a bit, Mr. Barba?" he said, slowly pouring another glass. Barba just shook his head, staring into the glass.

He found himself wishing he could drown himself in it. No. He found himself wishing he could rewind a few hours and not walk into her office.

_He leaned against her door frame, watching her work for a moment. He rarely caught her like this, not knowing he was there. He could take a moment to appreciate how hard she worked, how determined she was, how the skin on her neck looked ridiculously soft and how he would love to find out. More than anything in the world._

_He didn't really need to come by here. But he did anyway. "Liv" he said quietly._

_She looked up and smiled. "Hey. You need something?"_

_"_ _No, I was on my way out. Wanted to make sure you didn't need me for anything?"_

_"_ _Nothing that can't wait till tomorrow." He nodded, trying to decide about seeing if she wanted to go do… anything… when he saw it, hanging behind her desk. The forest green color jumped out at him._

_"_ _New dress?"_

_She looked over at it, then turned back to him. "Not really, just never had a chance to wear it till tonight. Blind date." She quickly looked down at her notes as his eyes went wide. A date. He felt like his tie was choking him._

_"_ _Oh" he sputtered out. "I didn't realize you were…"_

_She shrugged, still not looking at him. "I decided to just jump in, you know. What the hell? Gotta take a chance some time, right? I've got a good feeling about this, though." She finally looked at him and, for the first time in a long time, he could not read the look on her face. At all. He bid her a quick goodnight and hurried out of the precinct. He hit the street and finally, for the first time, acknowledged what he was feeling. Jealousy. Whoever this man was that was going to get to see her in that dress, that was going to make her laugh and hold her hand and rub her shoulders… he hated him. With a passion. "Drunk" he said to himself, turning in the direction of Forlini's._

Anthony watched Barba rub his hand over his eyes. Barba couldn't think straight. The alcohol was supposed to dull the feelings, but he would close his eyes and see this random man holding her close and kissing her and peeling that dress off of her and he wanted to throw his glass against the wall.

"A date" he choked out, laughing harshly. Anthony didn't even have to ask. "Oh" he said quietly.

Barba just nodded. "Yeah. A date. In that dress. That man doesn't stand a chance. He's a goner." Barba was staring into his glass, so he missed Anthony looking over his shoulder toward the entrance and smiling.

Anthony just nodded. "He sure as hell is" he responded, pulling out a wine glass and grabbing a bottle of Cabernet. Barba buried his face in his hand, eyes closed, willing all the images running through his head to just go away.

"This seat taken?" he heard from behind him. He froze, wondering if he had passed out in a drunken stupor at the bar. But he turned slowly around and there she stood, long legs coming out of brown sandals. That ridiculous green dress with the leather jacket he missed earlier. Hair slightly windblown. She slid into the chair next to him and nodded at Anthony as he placed the glass of wine in front of her. She took a sip and smiled at him.

He was frozen still. Just staring at her, sitting next to him. He honestly had no clue what to do or say.

"You alright?" she asked quietly, crossing her legs toward him. He almost passed out on the spot.

He cleared his throat, finally gaining some of his words back.

"I guess your blind date was a bust?"

She shrugged. "I don't know. Give me an hour and I'll get back to you on that." And then she just stared at him. Hard. He's not proud that it took him much longer than it should have to pick up on what she was saying, on what she was getting at. But he eventually caught on when she rolled her eyes at him. "Come on, Barba. You're a smart guy." And then he knew.

He turned himself toward her so their knees were touching. "How did you know I would be here?"

She laughed like he had seen in his imagination and he was the one causing that in her. His heart beat double time.

"You, dear, are predictable."

"And you just assumed I didn't have plans?"

She smiled shyly and shrugged and he knew he had been set, been played. "But it's not really a date unless we order food. I'm starved" she said, staring at him hard. He swallowed the lump in his throat and waved at Anthony. They placed a quick order and she slipped off her jacket, exposing her arms and shoulders and he knew, without a doubt, that he would get to see if her skin was as soft in real life as it was in his imagination and he would get to discover that tonight.

"A toast?" she asked, holding up her glass.

He nodded. "To green dresses and second dates."

"You seem awfully sure of yourself, Counselor. We've barely started the first one."

"I have a good feeling about it" he replied as they clinked glasses.


	4. Shape of You

Rainy days plus not feeling good leads me to write ridiculousness. Apologies.

* * *

**_Say, boy, let's not talk too much_ **   
**_Grab on my waist and put that body on me_ **   
**_Come on now, follow my lead_ **   
**_Come, come on now, follow my lead_ **

**_-Ed Sheeran (Shape of You)_ **

* * *

Rarely did Olivia beat him to the bar. But, tonight was a night that he got held up and she managed to get out on time. She smiled at Anthony as he put her drink down in front of her. She sipped her drink and glanced over at the two women who had saddled up to the bar next to her. "Mitzy and Bitsy" she thought to herself. She looked in the mirror and caught a glimpse of him as he walked in, phone pressed to his ear. He sent her a small nod as he caught her looking at him and turned to continue his call.

"Wait. Stop. Isn't that the lawyer that's always in the papers?" she heard Mitzy say to Bitsy.

She glanced over to see them staring directly at Rafael Barba, who was still jabbering away on the phone, giving whoever was on the other end a giant piece of his mind.

"What's his name again?" She could see Bitsy pull her phone out and start tapping away. Olivia assumed she was looking for the most recent story about the case they were trying to wrap up, the reason he was late meeting her and still on the phone now.

"Found it. Barba. Rafael Barba."

"He is ridiculous. God!"

"I know. What do you think he's doing here?"

"Coming to meet me. He just doesn't know it yet." Olivia rolled her eyes at Anthony, who bit his lip as he refilled her drink. The one blonde laughed at the other. "Bitch, please."

Olivia watched him in the mirror, pacing back and forth, waving his hands up and down, side to side.

"Of course, I thought he would be taller."

"Does he seem a little… I don't know… pudgy to you?

"A bit. He could stand to get to the gym a little more." Olivia gripped her glass a little harder than necessary, pressing her lips together. She watched him in the mirror, unbuttoning his suit jacket and putting his hand on his hip. The universal Rafael Barba sign that he was about to unload on the poor, unfortunate soul on the other end of the line.

"Wait. Is he wearing suspenders? Who does that?" Olivia could feel her patience starting to wane with the two annoying girls next to her.

"Oh, who cares? A Manhattan DA. That's got to be good for a few invites to some swanky parties and dinners at places where the people we really want to meet dine." Olivia wondered, for a moment, if she could get away with pistol whipping them both in a crowded bar.

"Yeah, he'd be good for a couple of rolls in the hay for sure." Olivia was about to risk it when she saw him hang up the phone and make his way toward her. She turned around in her chair as Mitzy and Bitsy started primping, thinking they were going to get to swoop in.

Once he was close enough, she made her move. She bolted out of her chair, wrapping her arms around his waist, pulling him tightly against her and assaulting his mouth with her own. He didn't even hesitate. He just slipped his hands into her hair, giving as good as he got. She finally let go with a pop of their lips and looked over her shoulder at the two women, gaping at them.

"I think it's time for you two move along. Now" she growled out. She glared at them as they quickly gathered their things and moved as quickly as they could across Forlini's, out of her sight. She turned back to him, a smirk on his face.

"Do I even want to know?" he asked.

"No."

"Good. Suddenly, I feel like we need to be having these drinks some place a little more private." She smiled and nodded. He took one hand out of her hair and pulled out his wallet, dropping some bills on the bar. As he leaned in, she scratched her nailed up his back and dropped a light kiss on his neck. "Liv" he growled out, grabbing her hand, pulling her toward the exit.


	5. First Time

This is me tackling the age old cry of "DEAR GOD MAN STOP ASKING HER OUT FOR DRINKS AT THE END OF THE DAY AND TAKE HER ON A REAL DATE!"

* * *

**_We're crashing_ **   
**_Into the unknown_ **   
**_We're lost in this_ **   
**_But it feels like home_ **   
**_I'm feeling alive all over again_ **   
**_As deep as the sky under my skin_ **   
**_\- Lifehouse (First Time)_ **

* * *

It had been eating at her since last night. That's why she was here, first thing. She had turned him down, again, and the thought wouldn't leave her alone. It was true – Lucy had to be somewhere that night and she was already late to relieve her, but it felt like she was always saying no. When she wanted to say yes. But it was always "hey let's get a drink to blow off this bad case" or "how about a cocktail to celebrate our win?" She was tired of that. She wanted more than a couple of drinks and a buzz to take home alone.

She watched him through the blinds, settling in for the day. Coffee. Phone. Computer. Pen. Everything in order. She honestly had no clue what she was doing here. None. Other than the feeling that had been gnawing at her stomach since she said no. Guilt and sadness and a little bit of anger and also hope. Because he kept asking. At least he did for now. How much longer would he, though? Why should she keep expecting him to? It's not like he was a mind reader. He didn't know what she was thinking and feeling, that she was finding it harder and harder to maintain ANY kind of boundary with him. What saying yes would lead to. And that she wanted it to lead there. But it was unknown. Scary unknown. Probably as scary as the unknown of bringing a baby into her life and her home. But she was lost to him. She knew that. She had been for some time. And the thought of giving into the unknown, to jumping feet first – well, that gave her a feeling of being alive. He was her center.

"So, have you ever thought about trying a different tactic with me?" she asked, throwing open his door.

He jumped up, almost knocking over his coffee cup and scattering papers across his desk.

"Dear God, Liv, give me a heart attack. What the hell?"

"Exactly. I found myself asking that exact question last night when I got home. What the hell?"

He narrowed his eyes at her and she felt her heart start pounding against her chest. Like a smitten teenager approaching her crush for the first time. "What in the world are you talking about, Liv?"

He was staring at her. Hard. They were alone, for the moment. Soon people would start filing in and this moment, this quiet, this peace would be lost to them. She thought, for a long time, that it was easier to deflect and hide. Ignore. But she was tired and she knew, above all, she deserved happiness. Light. Love.

She held her breath for a moment and let it out. "I asked you if you were had ever thought about trying a different tactic with me?"

"Look, Liv, if this is your way of telling me to drop the getting drinks thing then fine, I will. You just had to say so. I'm a big boy."

She nodded and started walking toward him. He shoved his hands in his pockets and just watched her move toward him, finally stopping when she could lean back against the corner of his desk. He got a whiff of whatever body spray or lotion she had used that morning and it almost knocked him over.

She closed her eyes for a moment and then looked at him, holding her breath as she watched his features soften, as he cocked his head to the side and smiled at her.

"What's up?" he asked quietly. She was scared, for just a second, knowing she was taking the line they refused to cross and setting it on fire. But that chance was now. She had to take it.

"Ask me out on a real date. Not drinks at the spur of the moment after a long day. Take me to dinner, some fancy place with a ridiculous wine list and low light. Let me show you I own something besides pant suits." She watched as his eyes widened, like he couldn't believe that she was actually saying these things. He was frozen. Stuck. But there was something there in his eyes – hope, desire, a need for him to be able to believe her. She decided to go all in, throw it all out there.

She grabbed his tie and pulled her into him, pressing her lips against his. He ripped his hands out of his pockets, grabbing her waist and pulling her flush against him, his lips demanding more. She swiped her tongue over his lips and they were soon dueling with each other, her hands in his hair, pulling him closer, his arms wrapped tightly around her, refusing to let her go. When her lungs couldn't handle any more, she pulled back, smiling as he chased her for one last kiss.

"I will take you anywhere you want as long as we get to do that again. Soon. Very soon." She ran her hand down his neck and pressed her fingers against his lips.

"You need to actually say the words, Rafael." And the smile that broke out on his face let her know that this was right, because this is where they belonged.

"Olivia, would you have dinner with me tonight?" She smiled just as brightly as he was and pulled him back down. He stopped, just a breath away from touching her lips with his.

"Words, Olivia. You need to use your words" he whispered against her.

"Yes" she replied, more as an exhale as he captured her lips again.


	6. Say

Sometimes you are minding your own business, making dinner while your playlist is on random on your computer. Then a song comes on and you literally stop what you are doing to knock out a one-shot. That's what happened to me this afternoon. Like right now, at 433PM. Enjoy.

* * *

_**Walking like a one man army** _   
_**Fighting with the shadows in your head** _   
_**Living out the same old moment** _   
_**Knowing you'd be better off instead,** _   
_**If you could only** _

_**-John Mayer (Say)** _

* * *

They glared at each other across her office, breathing heavily. He was sure they had the attention of the entire floor, as her door was open and they weren't trying to keep their voices down. This case, the witnesses, the flimsy… everything… was wearing on them. Till they broke, yelling at each other and saying things they wouldn't mean tomorrow.

"Is there anything else, Counselor?" she spit out at him, hands resting on her desk.

_"_ _Yes, Olivia. There's always something else. Isn't that our problem? Isn't that why we fight and scream and cause each other heartache? Because there is something else. Something here. Something we refuse to acknowledge. Something we pretend is just late hours or too many drinks or a heightened state of whatever because one of us is in peril. But I know you find, even in the peace, in the dark of your home, in the light of son, it's still there. It is still simmering in the back of your brain, like it is in mine. Wouldn't we just be happier if we would just say yes, there is something else and not only is that ok, but maybe it's the best thing that could happen to either one of us. That what I should do instead of yelling at you is to come over there and kiss you senseless and go home with you and never leave. That I should cook you and Noah breakfast and let my mother spoil that child rotten. That you and I should spend hours upon hours naked in bed. That I should get to see just how tan you can get in the Caribbean. That I should put a ring on your finger and make you mine forever. Is that the something else you mean?"_

"Barba!" She was still angry, but it seemed to be waning some.

He just shook his head, grabbing his briefcase off the floor where he had thrown it down with some force.

"No Lieutenant. There's nothing else." Because he chickened out and told himself that now was not the time. It never was.


	7. Say pt 2

Guys, I even hated myself a little bit yesterday for that chapter. No clue where it came from, but when I got up this morning I knew I had to follow it up.

* * *

_**Even if your hands are shaking** _   
_**And your faith is broken** _   
_**Even as the eyes are closing** _   
_**Do it with a heart wide open** _

_**-John Mayer (Say)** _

* * *

She clenched her hands together several times, willing them to stop shaking. The fight, the things she had said… it was exhaustion and frustration and a little bit of deflection. But he had paused. She had asked him if there was anything else and he had paused. There had been thoughts running through his head. She could see it on his face. But, in the end, he just left. He called her Lieutenant and just left. It had been eating at her. She ignored it as best she could, but an hour after she left, she grabbed her things and went find him. A call to Carmen let her know he went home instead of back to work. Like he couldn't face it. She had to know what he wanted to say.

She took a deep breath and closed her eyes, knocking on his door. Her faith in all of this was in tatters. Why wouldn't it be? After Cassidy and Tucker, she wasn't sure that this… romance, affection, love… was something she could actually believe in. But Barba stayed with her. By her side. In her life. Even when she pushed and annoyed and asked things of him that she shouldn't be asking, he stayed. She knew of the other offers. People liked to tell her things. The amount of times she had heard he had been offered a run for office or a partnership in a private law firm, and yet, he didn't leave them. Leave her. She had to know what he wanted to say.

She heard the door open and could feel him standing there, staring at her. "Liv?" he asked quietly.

Her head shot up and her eyes opened wide, like she could feel her heart doing in that moment. "You wanted to say something else. I need you to tell me what it was."

She watched him clench his jaw and grip the door harder. The sweats and t-shirt were distracting her from the issue at hand. The way his green eyes were at war with his mouth didn't help her either.

"It was nothing."

She pushed past him and into the apartment. She heard him close the door. She turned back and he was looking down. "Your hands are shaking" he whispered.

She laughed nervously. "Yeah."

"Why?" he asked, finally meeting her eyes.

"Please. Please tell me what you really wanted to say in my office." The battle was back in his eyes. He ran his hand through his hair, looking around her but not at her.

"Why are your hands shaking?" he asked.

"Nerves."

He finally met her eyes. "About what?"

"What you really wanted to say to me in my office."

"You need to make your hands stop shaking."

"Can't. Tried the whole way over here. No luck." He stepped toward her, grabbing her hands with his, trying to still them. They were so close, yet still so far. He was staring at their hands.

"Please. I need to hear it. I have to hear what you really wanted to say." But he continued to stare at their hands. She felt his grip tighten some, like he was trying to physically take the nerves out of her and into him. She swayed into him slightly. "Rafael" she whispered and the next thing she knew, her back slammed into the wall, his lips moving harshly, but oh so deliciously against hers. She moaned and ran her hands up into his hair, pulling him closer. He ripped his lips off of hers and ran a hot trail down her neck as he ran his hand down from her hips, pulling her leg up and around him, pushing against her. She gasped loudly as he shifted against her, running his tongue up and down her neck. All she could do was hang on for dear life. With one last rough kiss, he pulled back, eyes dark and face flushed.

"That. That is what I wanted to tell you in your office." She was sure there was more, but she found she couldn't bring herself to care at this point, as he dragged her over to his couch, pulling her down on top of him, helping her heal her faith and her heart and her fear.


	8. American Boy

After the last two chapters, I decided to do something mindless, short and fun.

* * *

_**Dressed smart like a London Bloke** _   
_**Before he speak his suit bespoke** _   
_**And you thought he was cute before** _

_**-Estelle Ft. Kanye West (American Boy)** _

* * *

She's blaming the suit. That's what she will tell him and anyone who dares question her about it. The suit.

They were waiting on him in his office when he blew in, already asking questions and barking orders to Carmen. But the suit took her breath away. She wasn't ashamed to admit, only to herself of course, that she kept stock of his suits. This one was new. Brand new.

Thank God, she just needed to be there and didn't need to speak because she wasn't sure she could. The cut was perfect. The jacket framed him perfectly. Of course, he slipped it off and the vest accentuated everything that she found physically attractive about him. And the dark green color made his eyes pop and she found that distracting. Enchanting. Irresistible. She would never understand how he found the perfect tie for each suit, but he always did. A perfect Windsor knot right at his Adam's apple, that bobbed up and down as he talked and moved around and asked questions. The cuff links, those she knew. Sophisticated. Elegant. They glinted off the sun coming in the window as he took notes and waved his hands around. He turned toward the window, composing a plan in his head. He shoved his hands in his pockets and the pants pulled across his ass and she thought she might just pass out. The cut of the pant was perfect. So perfect. Head to toe, it was all Rafael Barba.

She heard him give marching orders and her detectives looked at her. She nodded, not being real sure what he said at all. They left, pulling out their phones. She pushed herself out of the chair and looked at him. The suit. Plus the smirk he was wearing on his face did her in. She crossed in fewer steps than she thought possible and grabbed his face, kissing him roughly. He rested his hand on her hips, giving as good as he got.

She pulled back when the need to breathe became too great.

"New suit."

"What? This old thing?"

"Stuff it, Barba. I know your suits. This one is new."

"Ok, remind me to circle back to that knowing my suits thing because that is intriguing and needs to be explored further but yes, dear, new suit."

"You really need to warn me the next time you wear a new suit."

"I knew you had a suit kink!"

"Only when you are in them, Raf" she replied, kissing him roughly again. They had agreed to keep personal out of the office, off during work hours. But it was the suit. She couldn't be held responsible.


	9. Edge of Desire

This one goes out to Rolivianna. Thanks for the song suggestion. I don't know this song myself, but the lyrics are amazing, so I'm going to need to go find it. Like ASAP.

* * *

_**Don't say a word, just come over and lie here with me** _   
_**'Cause I'm just about to set fire to everything I see** _   
_**I want you so bad I'll go back on the things I believe** _

_**-John Mayer (Edge of Desire)** _

* * *

She slammed the door of the bunk room, being glad no one was in here trying to sleep. She had gotten sucked in by a weepy victim who seemed to have had an air tight story. She cajoled Barba into taking this case. She can admit that to herself. He didn't want to. He hesitated at every turn but she kept pressing. Kept pushing. Until he did. And now she was here, refusing to participate in the lineup and starting to change her story. She all but outright said Olivia put words in her mouth during the initial interview and that was partly her fault for conducting the interview alone, for not recording it, for not calling anyone else in to verify the story. So now Buchanon was on the war path, threatening a harassment suit against the NYPD and herself. Dodds had to be called in to defuse the situation and she had been sent packing.

She collapsed on one of the beds, head in her hands. She was on edge. She had been for a while. They were still understaffed and the cases seemed to be getting harder and harder to deal with. Plus, this growing… whatever… for Barba. The longer eye contact, the drinks and dinners that were happening more and more. Him keeping her favorite coffee creamer in his office, when she knew he preferred his coffee black. On top of that, Ed had called. Saying he just wanted to check in, to see how she was doing after the Samra case. She met him once and as soon as she did, she knew it was a mistake. He had a look like he hoped something had changed in her. And it had. She knew that. But not towards him. So, on top of it all, she had to keep putting him off and ignoring calls and texts. Noah had been struggling at the new daycare and Lucy had already mentioned in passing about graduation and finding a job and how much notice was Olivia going to need, because the last thing she wanted was to leave her or Noah hanging. It all felt like it was starting to crush her mind, her heart and her spirit.

She heard the door creak open and close just as quickly. She thought maybe the person who had opened it had thought better about entering until she felt the bed shift next to her. She knew only one person was brave (or suicidal) enough to come sit next to her.

"Buchanon is gone."

"Perfect."

He clasped his hands in front of him, but he didn't move. He didn't leave. He didn't say a word. It was like he just knew. She thought she wanted to be alone. But what she realized was that she just wanted to be with someone without having to open her mouth and speak. Sometimes she was so tired of talking.

"I'm so tired" she whispered, head still buried in her hands.

"I know exactly how you feel" he replied. And of course, he did. She ripped her head out of her hands and looked at him. He was just staring at her.

"I can't go back out there right now."

"You don't have to. Dodds and Fin have it all under control. We are going to have to drop this case, Liv."

"I know and I can't even bring myself to care. I'm sorry I wasted your time with this. You tried to wave me off. One of these times, I swear I'm going to listen." He laughed. "That will be the day" he replied, smiling slightly, bringing a hint of a smile to her face. She just nodded.

"What do you want to do?" he asked.

"Stay in here for a little bit longer."

He nodded and started to push himself off the bed when he felt her rest her hand on his arm.

"Will you stay with me?" The look on her face, she's sure, was utterly pathetic. She couldn't have him walk away from her right now. She would lose it if he did. But if he would stay. If he would find a way to give her some strength back, she knew she would be ok.

"OK" he said, standing up to take off his jacket. She watched as he laid it across another bunk. He sat back down and just stared at her. She had to move. He wasn't a mind reader. She leaned her head against his shoulder and he wrapped his arm around her shoulders. She wrapped an arm around his waist and tugged gently. He laid back on the bed and she pressed herself into his side, head resting on his shoulder. She could hear his heart beat and it calmed her. He adjusted his arm, tightening his hold on her just slightly and threw his arm under his head, propping them up slightly. She could feel the calm and the peace starting to make its way back in.

"Thank you for staying."

"Liv, all you ever have to do is ask."

And that's when she knew. She knew that, when they left this room, she would ask him to dinner. To walk her home. She would kiss him goodnight and make plans for a second date. She would give herself completely to this man. Because he always gave her what she needed and that was the very minimum of what he deserved from her.


	10. These Are Days

This takes place right smack in the middle of December Solstice. That scene with Liv, Rafael and Lucia. Some lovely soul on Twitter posted it in its entirety and if you watch Liv in the back ground, there is something more there. It's been rattling around in my head since I saw it over the weekend. Start to finish, December Solstice is like the greatest Barson episode ever.

I was also slightly obsessed with this song my senior year in high school. Like a crazy amount.

* * *

_**These are the days you might fill with laughter until you break.** _   
_**These days you might feel a shaft of light make its way across your face.** _   
_**And when you do you'll know how it was meant to be.** _   
_**See the signs and know their meaning.** _   
_**It's true, you'll know how it was meant to be.** _

_**-Ten Thousand Maniacs (These Are Days)** _

* * *

_"Benson! He talks about you. You drive him a little crazy."_

_"Just doing my job."_

She pulled out her phone as he walked his mother away, talking to her about family business. She watched him retreating from her a few steps and smiled. He talked about her? To his mother? Enough for Lucia to know she drives him crazy? Olivia glanced back up at Barba and his mother from her phone, watching the way they interact. It was obvious that, while they disagree, they love each other.

She knew they had limited time together. She knew a little bit about Lucia Barba and how hard she worked to keep her school going. How much time she spent taking care of her mother. Olivia knew his grandmother was struggling. Something about a nursing home had been mentioned in passing. To see this family that, in the midst of craziness with running a school and trying to protect this elderly man from the three women trying to take advantage of him, they still found the time to look out for each other.

She tried to give them their privacy, as much as they could have in this busy hallway. She responded to a few texts quickly as they continued talking. She paused, wondering how it felt to have a mother that cared so much about family that she would take the time to come all the way down here for a conversation that wouldn't be able to last for more than a few minutes. She often wished she had someone to bounce things like the thoughts she beat down off of. Someone who could really tell her if what she thought she felt for him was just an offshoot of the job and the situations they found themselves in or if they were real. If this was real.

"Bye mom" she heard him say. She watched him as he watched his mom walk away, taking in a deep breath and letting it go. To see a side of him she rarely got to see – a soft side, the side of him that showed he had a heart and feelings and wanted to protect those he cared about. Her squad sometimes wondered about that, but she never did. She never doubted that he had a huge heart for those that he loved.

"Everything ok?" she asked as he walked back over to her.

"The nursing home" he said, waving her off. She just nodded and knew to drop it. He would talk about it when he wanted to. She knew him well enough to know the Rafael Barba sign for 'later'. They walked next to each other in silence, like they tended to do from time to time. They got to the end of the hall and turned to look at each other. She knew she needed to head back to the precinct, to continue working to help this family and work the case. But she was intrigued. Just 30 seconds with Barba and his mother and she knew she needed more. She needed to know more.

"So…"

"Don't start" he warned, giving her the same look he had given her just a few minutes ago as he walked his mother away from her.

"I drive you crazy?"

"How is that news?"

"It's not. Except I know that you two don't get to spend a lot of time together and…"

She watched him look down to his briefcase and fiddle with the handle. "She asks me about work. You come up." He looked back up at her and there was something in his eyes. Something else. She took a slight step toward him and he didn't move away.

"How often do I come up?"

"Enough. More than you probably should." He gave her a slight smile and she felt her heart jump just a bit. This was something that she wanted to explore. Needed to explore. With him. It felt like that moment was meant to be. The universe showing her a way through the muddle thoughts in her head. She almost didn't come out of that courtroom. She was about to just go to his office, but in the moment, she decided to go seek him out. Like the universe knew she needed to meet his mother today. _You drive him a little crazy._ Those words were going to ring in her head for a long time to come.

She was about to open her mouth and see what would tumble out when both of their phones started to buzz. One look at the each of their phones and back at each other knew that they needed to move, to head back into this case. She smiled at him and started to head down the elevator.

"Liv?" She turned back to see him still standing there, watching her the way she watched him just a few minutes ago.

"Yeah."

"Talk later?"

"Yeah". He nodded and smiled, turning on his heel, heading away from her. She watched his retreating form, with a growing sense of happiness blooming in her heart.


	11. Love Walks In

80's hair bands are kind of my weakness and this is my favorite song from that particular genre.

* * *

_**Contact is all it takes** _   
_**To change your life to lose your place in time** _   
_**Contact, asleep or awake** _   
_**Coming around you may wake up to find** _   
_**Questions deep within your eyes** _   
_**Now more than ever you realize** _

_**-Van Halen (Love Walks In)** _

* * *

She hated these things. With a passion. She understood that the police needed to fundraise and to keep those in the city with the money to help on their good side. Why that had to include her, she would never understand, no matter how many time Dodds explained it to her.

She smoothed her skirt down, drinking her wine and looked around. The other problem is, in these situations, she was very much alone. Sure, there were people to make small talk with. But after that was over they would move on to significant others, or groups of friends. Adding Ed Tucker to the mix didn't help things either. The man still had friends within the department and who enjoyed coming to these things. So, there he stood, across the room, barely acknowledging her existence. She had tried to say hi and he basically looked through her and walked away.

She went to the bathroom to just escape for a few minutes, but that didn't help either when she overheard two women talking about her.

"I can't believe she left Ed. That man is a catch. Who would do that?"

"I hear she's a workaholic bitch and I think he's better off."

They were laughing as they rounded the corner, running right into her. They blew past her, quiet but laughter in their eyes. She looked at herself in the mirror and decided she was done. These things were a waste of her time and she would quit before Dodds would drag her to another one of these god-awful functions.

She couldn't shake their words as she tried to make her escape. But they were getting to her. Creeping in to her head, following her around. She could feel the emotion and tears start to burn at her eyes and she knew she needed to get out of here, get home to her comfy clothes and safe apartment.

But a hand stopped her, grabbing her arm lightly.

"Liv?" Barba asked. "You ok? I wondered where you had gone. You leaving?"

But she couldn't say anything. Those women were back with their group, looking over their shoulders at her. All of them were. Including the man himself. He smirked at her and seemed to agree with whatever the group was saying. About her. She just knew it. She had to get out of here.

Barba looked at her and then turned slightly to see the group she was staring at. Something had happened.

"Liv" he whispered.

She looked at him, tears in her eyes. She couldn't respond or she would lose it. He nodded slightly and slid his hand down her arm, lightly grasping her hand in his. He pulled gently and lead her out to the floor. She couldn't resist. He pulled her flush against him, one hand resting on her hip, the other bringing her hand wrapped in his to rest on his chest. And then he started to slowly move them around. She rested her cheek against his, letting the contact with him bring her back from the edge.

"I hate people like that. People who think they own whatever place they are because they happen to have some money. Those people were the bane of my existence in law school." Just his voice was calming her some. She felt like the rest of the world was melting away as he spoke to her quietly, swaying her back and forth to the music. She squeezed his shoulder where her hand rested, letting him know that he was helping. So, he just kept talking. It was nothing of importance but it was exactly what she needed to center herself.

"You are a very good dancer" she finally whispered. She felt him smile against her cheek. "Mom will be glad to know those dance lessons weren't a waste of money then. Plus, it has the added bonus of pissing Tucker off." With that he spun them around so she could see the group and there he stood, glaring at the two of them. She gave a small laugh and he spun them back to their original position.

She finally pulled back so she could look at him. And she let herself really look at him. Those powerful green eyes and laugh lines around his eyes. The short brown hair with just a smattering of gray to make him look distinguished and crazy handsome. But it was the look in those green eyes that made her forget the rest of the world. There was emotion there. And it was being directed at her. Yeah, sure. She had seen it before but not this open and brazen, here, surrounded by hundreds of people. Not that she even noticed them anymore. To her, the world was this tiny part of the floor that contained him and her.

"I didn't know you were going to be here tonight" she said quietly. She bit her lip as he tightened his arm around her waist.

She felt him shrug. "I wasn't going to. The invite had been sitting on my desk for a couple of weeks, but I don't know… I picked it up this afternoon and told Carmen to call and RSVP for me."

She moved her fingers, playing with the hair at the nape of his neck scratching on of her nails right above the collar of his shirt. She watched his eyes darken.

"I'm thinking about something" she said, staring into his eyes.

"What's that?"

"Kissing you." His eyes widened and she smiled, giving him a slight wink.

"While I would never tell a lady such as yourself to ever go against her instincts, this current position may not be the most ideal place for that. Want to get out of here?"

"So very much" she said. He let go of her, but immediately offered her his arm. They walked right past Ed Tucker and the rest of the group. She didn't even see him watch her walk away.

They hit the street and she looked around, pulling him away from the door and out of the light. And there, she let her fear and anxiety go as she grabbed his tie and pulled him in, her lips pressing against his, as she realized that what he thought was really the only opinioned that mattered to her on this night.


	12. Slow Dancing in a Burning Room

**_Can't seem to hold you like I want to_ **   
**_So I can feel you in my arms_ **   
**_Nobody's gonna come and save you_ **   
**_We pulled too many false alarms_ **

**_-John Mayer (Slow Dancing in a Burning Room)_ **

* * *

It was like getting out of the city just made all the tension worse, at least for her. This case had taken them upstate. What was supposed to be a quick up and back turned into having to stay overnight because they needed to track down a witness who was proving hard to find. Without talking to this person, the case would fall apart. The local cops were all out looking for him, but so far nothing. Dodds and Cutter had all but ordered them to stay put until the cops found him. So, that's how she found herself in this hotel room with him. And it felt like the walls were closing in.

Ever since that night in her office, where she had been accused of being disenchanted, she was finding it harder and harder to maintain a line of any kind of decorum with him. It was the first time he had called her on whatever this was between them. She found she was fine as long as they ignored it. But he had decided to stop ignoring it that night in her office. He basically called her on the carpet and she had no clue what to do at this point.

She could fight it on her turf. In her office. In his office. In the courthouse and even just on the streets of Manhattan. There was always something else to concentrate on, focus on, to distract her. A call or the noise from the city or some other pressing matter. But here, out of the chaos and din of the city, there was nothing but him, her and this tiny hotel room. When she looked out the window, all she saw was dark and quiet. Plus, the reflection of him sitting on the bed, jacket and vest off, sleeves rolled up made her brain stop working. She was really going to have to stop looking out the window. She willed her email to ding or her phone to ring, but nothing. Noah was fast asleep. All of the squad were in a holding pattern until this witness crawled out of whatever hole he was hiding in.

She rolled her head around, willing to the tension to disappear. She walked over and looked at their bags next to each other on the floor, like they were on a getaway together or something. They had both been burned enough to keep a 'go' bag in their offices. Thank God. Not that it was helping her frame of mind right now. She found herself wondering what was in that bag. She groaned loudly in her head and grabbed her bag. She had to do something. "I'm going to grab a shower" she said, refusing to look at him. But that damn reflection in the window. She watched him drop the pen and legal pad on the bed and nod.

"Sure. How about I try to figure out food?" She just nodded and almost ran into the bathroom, locking the door quickly. She leaned her forehead against the closed door, wondering how the hell she was going to survive the night.

* * *

A long, hot shower did very little to settle her mind and nerves. She wasted as much time as she could in the bathroom before she knew she had to go back out there. She looked at herself in the mirror, yoga pants and tank top, wishing simultaneously that she had either something that completely covered her up or the black negligee in the back of her drawer that she had never used. She finally took a deep breath and turned off the light to the bathroom, taking a step out into the main room.

"I found a place that sells burgers and fries down the street. Hope that's ok" he said, but she barely heard him. She was pretty sure she had stopped breathing as he stood there in sweatpants and a t-shirt, barefoot, mussed hair. The way the t-shirt stretched across his back had her thinking about what it would be like to scratch her nails across his back. She was going to need another shower. A cold one.

"Liv" he said and she looked up, face immediately flushing. That damn dark window and the reflection. He had seen her reaction to him. He turned slowly, a slight smirk on his face. "Need something?"

It was the way his voice that gravely growl thing that broke her. She threw the towel in her hand down on the floor, crossing the room to him. She knew she caught him off guard as she wrapped her arms around his shoulders, kissing him roughly. But, being as smooth and quick on his feet as he always was, he caught on and was very soon reciprocating in time and then some.

She placed her hands on his chest and pushed him back onto one of the beds. He leaned back on his hands and smiled up at her as she moved to stand between his legs. "The food?" he asked.

"Later" she replied, straddling him as she sat down on his lap.

* * *

She bit her lip as she watched him retrieve the probably cold burgers and fries. He smiled at her as he pulled his boxers up and crawled back into bed with her, spreading the food out between them.

She smiled back at him as she popped a cold fry in her mouth. He stared at her, hard.

"So that was…"

"Inevitable and amazing" she replied, scooting toward him slightly. Now that she had touched him, kissed him, gotten to fulfill the fantasy of scratching her nails over his very muscular back, she wasn't sure she would be able to stay out of his personal space.

"And a one-time thing?" he asked, seemingly nervous as he did. She leaned in and kissed him gently and tenderly, trying to convey what she was thinking through that kiss.

"No. I'm not sure I could ever unring that bell."

He smiled widely and brightly, leaning back against the headboard, pulling her into his side, dropping a kiss on the top of her head. "Me neither".


	13. We Found Love

_**Yellow diamonds in the light** _   
_**And we're standing side by side** _   
_**As your shadow crosses mine** _   
_**What it takes to come alive** _

_**-Rihanna (We Found Love)** _

* * *

She could only stand there and stare at the scene unfolding in front of her. It felt like the whole world was converging right there, on the steps of the courthouse.

The case had gotten so much press. It was all anyone wanted to talk about. High profile was an understatement. And it didn't matter the outcome. The city was prepared for chaos no matter guilty or not guilty. Not everyone would be happy. They all knew it the moment the facts became clear.

There she stood, watching supporters on both sides hurl insults and slurs and just horrible things at each other. Yelling horrible things at the police that were just trying to keep the peace. Horrible things at Barba and herself as they walked in and out of the courthouse during the duration of the trial, and now at her, as she stood there, being unsure what to do. A guilty verdict didn't mean anything in a case like this. Hate and discontent reigned supreme. It made her lose faith in humanity. In the judicial system. In herself, a little bit.

She felt his presence before she saw him. It had been like that recently. Things had started to change between them. Since then, she could just feel his presence when he was in her general vicinity. Like a calm shadow coming over her. She heard someone from the crowd hurl awful slurs in his direction – slurs that, he had assured her, he had heard before and that didn't really bother him anymore.

But they bothered her. Greatly. She felt herself tense up and start to grab for her gun when suddenly, he was next to her, grabbing her hand and lacing their fingers together.

"Not worth it, Olivia."

"A little bit worth it, Barba."

He smiled. "Thank you. But it's really not." He squeezed her hand and started to pull her away from the crowd, toward the back steps of the courthouse. "I'm starving" he said as they walked away from the screams and the chants.

"Really? You are thinking about food right now? With everything that is going on?" He turned toward her.

"Liv, we did our jobs. We knew this was going to happen. And, the truth is, I don't care what they say to me. You know what I care about?" She had a good idea, but did she love when he said it, so she shook her head no.

"This is fishing, my dear, but I'll continue anyway. I care what you think. I care that you stand by me. I care that I can go home with you and tell Noah about what we did here today and know that we can tell him that with our heads held high. I care about this" he said, waving their linked hands between their bodies. "I care that for the first time in a long damn time, I feel like I'm finally living. With you and Noah. That's what matters. Little minded people don't. They have to go home and be themselves. I get to go home and be me who cares about you and that little boy and lazy Sundays and Friday night breakfast for dinner. So, can we please go there and forget about all of this?"

She sighed and kissed him lightly. "You have a mighty way with words, Counselor."

"That's why they pay me the big bucks, Lieutenant" he said, winking at her and dragging her down the steps, away from the chaos and into the light and love of what they were building together.


	14. Life After You

This comes from (a) my favorite Daughtry song and (b) the hilarious Texts from Last Night meme over on Tumblr that involved Liv asking Barba what is wrong with him and he says "chronologically or alphabetically". I've been wanting to write something based on that for a month now and finally found some inspiration. To me it feels like a legitimate conversation they would have after a long case where they fought all the time over drinks at Forlini's. So that's kind of what this is, with a bit of a twist. Enjoy.

* * *

_**You and I, right or wrong** _   
_**There's no other one** _   
_**After this time spent alone** _   
_**It's hard to believe** _   
_**That a man with sight could be so blind** _   
_**Thinking about the better times** _   
_**Must've been out of my mind** _

_**-Daughtry (Life After You)** _

* * *

He was three drinks in when she finally found him sitting at the bar. Anthony just shrugged at her and moved to the other end of the bar, trying to give them some privacy. It was a slow night here, so there weren't a lot of people around. She sat down next to him and sighed, resting her head on her hand, just looking at him.

"Go away" he growled at her.

"Mature."

"I know."

"What is wrong with you?"

"Would you like the list chronologically or alphabetically?"

"Stop it."

"What are you doing here, Liv?"

"Just wondering how much longer you planned to camp out in your office instead of…"

He whipped his head around to look at her, tears forming in his eyes. "Going home?" She just nodded her response.

"No. Really. Why are you here? Why do you continue to be here? I'm an asshole. I say horrible things in the heat of the moment. I have a terrible temper and I always think I'm the smartest person in the room. I may have a drinking problem that I'm choosing to ignore. I'm a workaholic. I'm a terrible role model and…"

"Oh, will you please shut up!" He just looked at her, pressing his lips together. She rested her hand on his arm, taking a deep breath and exhaling.

"Hey. Remember this" she said, shaking her left hand at him, the wedding ring and band shining in the light of the bar. She pointed to his left hand and the band there as well. "Remember that little ceremony a month ago. I was the one in the cream dress, you were the one in tux. We stood there in front of all of our friends and family and exchanged vows. I don't know if you remember that whole for better or worse thing, but I kind of meant it. Did you?"

"Yeah, Liv, you know I did, but…"

She shook her head at him. "Ok then. That's it. That's all I need. This is me and you. After all the time we spent not being together, I can't believe you let one fight drive you out of our home and living in your office for two days!"

"Liv, I was such an…"

"Asshole. Dick. Idiot. Moron. Agreed."

"Those came out a little quick."

She winked at him. "I know. But, Raf, we are going to fight. It is going to happen. It's me and you. If we didn't fight, people would start to wonder. You can't let every little fight we have drive you to the brink of whatever. OK?"

He nodded at her. "Yeah. I know. Liv, I'm so sorry."

She squeezed his arm. "I know you are. And so am I. How about we agree that we were both right and both wrong and move on. Please come home. I'm tired of sleeping alone and Noah needs help with his language arts homework and if we don't get home soon he's going to do his entire science presentation in Spanish, thanks to Lucia."

"Mom?"

"Yeah. I figure I don't have to light you up. She'll take care of that for me when we get back." He groaned and drained his drink. "You aren't making this going home thing sound better."

"Tough. You will take your lashing from your mother and you will like it."

"I'd rather have a lashing from you, dear" he replied, smirking at her.

"There he is! There's the innuendo laden man I married. Can we please go now?" He pushed himself off the bar stool, lacing his fingers through hers. She waved a goodbye to Anthony and they walked toward the door.

As they hit the street, he stopped and took a deep breath of the air. He pulled his wife into him, kissing her softly and tenderly.

"I love you, Olivia."

"And I love you too, Rafael."

"I am deeply sorry about the fight."

"You can make it up to me with dinner and a foot rub and some amazing make up sex after Noah goes to bed, ok?"

He smiled brightly at her. How could he have been so blind and so dumb to think that one fight would make her walk away from him? He didn't know why he was the lucky man she chose but he would make sure to show how grateful he was that she did for the rest of their lives.

"Deal" he replied, squeezing her hand and walking with her back to his life and family.


	15. Someone Else's Star

I've got Twenty Five Acts on the brain apparently. This falls between Harris and his big brass ego comment and when they meet in the courtroom. Based on Olivia's clothes, it's the same day. Yes, I looked. It's called research people! So that's what I'm going with.

* * *

_**You'd think that I could find** _   
_**A true love of my own** _   
_**It happens all the time to people that I know** _   
_**Their wishes all come true** _   
_**So I've got to believe** _   
_**That there's still someone out there who** _   
_**Is meant for only me** _

_**-Bryan White (Someone Else's Star)** _

* * *

She sat down on a bench in front of the courthouse, sipping her coffee and just people watching. She needed a moment for herself. She felt like her life was starting to slip away. After all of the Cragen mess and now this Cain accusation, it felt like she was a hamster in a wheel, running as fast as she can but getting nowhere at all.

She watched a family walk toward her – mother, father, son with dark brown hair, swinging in his arms between his parents. She smiled slightly as they walked past her, just jabbering away while his parents nodded along like he was saying the greatest things they have ever heard. She felt a twinge in her stomach looking at the little boy. She had never really thought about kids before, but recently she had found herself thinking about family, kids – but only at night or when she was alone. She never verbalized it. Brian would run for the hills.

She sighed, taking a sip of her coffee. Maybe that was OK. Was there really a future with Brian Cassidy? He was the job. More than she was the job. He always had been. He could see no further than the next case, the next bust, the next guilty verdict. She knew this when she started dating him, but was that her anymore? She wasn't sure. Maybe it was time to really think about her life and what she wanted. Moving up the ranks? That was starting to sound more and more like a good idea. A family? She looked up at the sky, at the clouds and the blue. Was there someone that might want that with her? Because Brian didn't. She didn't even have to ask him to know his answer. Elliot had moved on, fairly easily it had seemed. Maybe the life she knew wasn't going to be that hard to walk away from, to try to change. She needed to grow. The hamster on the wheel was an amazing analogy. Spinning and spinning and never getting anywhere. It was starting to make her feel old. She closed her eyes for a moment, sending up a wish, a thought… whatever she believed in at this point. She needed a sign or something. How to move forward and when – she didn't have those answers. She hoped she would get them. Soon. She thought if she wasted any more time, she might just come out of her skin. She needed to start moving forward. She wanted that. It was like that idea just bubbled up from deep in her soul and now it was stuck in her brain. Why shouldn't she be able to find that for herself? People found their lives every day. Maybe today would be her day.

"Liv" she heard. She opened her eyes and saw Amanda standing in front of her. "Harris is inside. He said this ADA has a couple more pre-trial hearings and then we can go talk to him."

Olivia nodded and pushed herself off the bench, tossing her coffee in the trash can nearby, adjusting her jacket.

"What's this guy's name again?"

"Barba."

"Sounds like a smug son of a bitch." Amanda choked a laugh out, nodding along with Olivia.

Soon they found themselves standing off to the side of the courtroom, watching the ADA take case after case and knock them down, right in a row. Each one gave him more pomp, more swagger, more confidence. Olivia rolled his eyes as she watched him pat the defense on the arm, like he was a child who needed to be redirected. She watched him catch Harris' eye and make his way over to them.

"I lied and told them you know your way around a courtroom" she heard Harris say as he took her hand. They met eyes for a long moment and suddenly, Olivia felt like that future she thought was fictional might not just be out of the realm of the possibility after all.


	16. Passionate Kisses

Fun, flirty, wicked Barson for those who enjoy that kind of thing. And I may be channeling through Olivia a little bit... just a touch...

* * *

_**Do I want too much?** _   
_**Am I going overboard to want that touch?** _   
_**I shout it out to the night** _   
_**Give me what I deserve 'cause it's my right** _   
_**Shouldn't I have this? (shouldn't I?)** _

_**-Mary Chapin Carpenter (Passionate Kisses)** _

* * *

She collapsed on the bed, sighing loudly. He smiled over at her, shutting the door and dropping their bags near it. He collapsed right next to her and she rolled over, propping her head up on her hand, looking at him.

"Well?" he asked, eyes closed but a slight smile on his face.

"I am impressed, Barba."

"I've been known to do my homework, Benson" he replied, opening his eyes, smirking at her. She looked around the room… well, suite, to be honest. They had been officially a thing for 9 weeks. It had been brewing since well before they finally succumbed in the midst of the end of a tough case, a couple of drinks and neither wanting to be alone that night. Or the night after. But they knew they needed time away from being Benson and Barba. They needed to be Olivia and Rafael, even if it was just for a couple of days. He sprung this 48-hour reprieve from life on her yesterday morning and just knew it was what she needed. What he needed. What they both needed. Not just to individually recharge but for them to be together. They had left their work phones behind and the only person who knew where they were was Lucia. Like they could keep anything from her. They knew better at this point. Not that Olivia would ever want to. Lucia loved her son and she took a shine to Noah and there was no one, outside of Lucy, Olivia trusted more with her son.

She rolled back onto her back, closing her eyes and sighing loudly. "I deserve this."

"Deserve what?" he asked.

She waved her hand around over her. "This! Not only is this place bigger than my apartment, but you know what it doesn't have?"

"Toys strewn across the floor?"

"That too. I was thinking crayon on the wall."

"Nope. This place does not have that."

"I also deserve this bed. I was due for a new mattress about 5 years ago. A toddler who can't sleep in one position doesn't help either."

"Let's see if we can stick the mattress in our bags when we leave." She laughed and opened her eyes as he rolled over on top of her, resting on his arms, brushing her hair out of her face.

"I also need a new robe."

"You do, Liv. So badly. I know for a fact they have those big fluffy ones here. I'll get the mattress in my bag. You handle the robes."

She laughed a full laugh she didn't do much of anymore. This playful, funny, crazy side of him was something she had not expected from him, but it made him more complex and deep to her and it made her fall that much harder than she thinks she would have normally fallen.

"Think I'm asking for too much, Raf?"

"Never. You should ask for more. You deserve it."

"What?"

"Whatever. All of it."

She cocked an eyebrow up at him. "So, if I told you I really deserved one of your slow, methodical kisses like that first night outside Forlini's…" She couldn't finish the sentence before his lips were slowly moving against hers, tongue exploring every crevice of her mouth. She sank further into the amazing bed, fully relaxing against him, pulling him closer.

"Like that?" He asked, voice gravely. If she had been standing, she would have needed to grab something because of what that aspect of his voice did to her.

"Exactly like that."

"Anything else?" he asked her again, lips lightly pressing kisses against her neck.

She ran her fingers through his hair. "How about dinner someplace without a kids' menu."

"Done. I specifically chose this place for their 'no kids' policy."

"You are one hell of a man, Rafael Barba."

"So I've been told" he replied, pushing himself off the bed, grabbing her hand and dragging her up. She wrapped her arms around his shoulders as he flashed her his signature smile that made her heart melt.

"How about you go put on something that you don't have to worry about getting sauce or macaroni and cheese on and we will go eat a meal that involves vegetables and fish and get drunk and we come back up here and we see who can make the other scream their name first?"

"Oh, we both totally deserve that" she said, kissing him soundly.


	17. My Life Would Suck Without You

Some of us over on Tumblr have head canon that Barba took the Manhattan job as a stepping stone to political office but met Olivia and... well, his plans then changed. That's where this piece comes from.

* * *

_**'Cause we belong together now, yeah yeah** _   
_**Forever united here somehow, yeah** _   
_**You got a piece of me** _   
_**And honestly** _   
_**My life (my life) would suck (would suck) without you** _

_**-Kelly Clarkson (My Life Would Suck Without You)** _

* * *

The first thing he noticed was her, sitting on one of his guest chairs, leg bouncing up and down. He knew she only did that when she was really nervous or really mad. And based on the look on her face, it wasn't that she was nervous.

"Morning Liv. What's going on?"

She looked at him, glaring. A nasty glare. A glare he had seen her give others but that he, himself, had never been on the receiving end of. Sure. She had been really mad at him from time to time, but never this mad. Not once. It put him off kilter for a moment.

"When were you going to tell me?" she spit out.

"Tell you what?" he asked, leaning against this desk.

She pushed herself out of the chair, anger radiating off of her. It was like waves he could physically feel between them. It unnerved him.

"Don't bullshit me Barba. You know what I'm talking about."

"Liv, I really don't. We were fine when we talked last night, so…"

"Exactly. Fine. Can't we be honest with each other? Don't we owe that to each other? Don't you owe me that much, after all this time?"

He shook his head. "Liv, I swear, I have no idea…"

"WHEN WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME?" she screamed at him, shaking as she did. He froze, eyes wide, thanking God it was still early and there weren't very many people here yet.

"I mean, damn Rafael…" his name… he held his breath for a moment, being able to count on one hand the number of times she had used his first name. "We have each other's backs!" She started pacing. "Isn't it me and you against… well, basically the world? What am I supposed to do if you..." She barked out an angry laugh. "And then Carisi sends me this link last night as I'm trying to fall asleep. I read it and then… well, no sleep for Liv at that point. What am I supposed to do without you here?"

"Liv, I'm not going anywhere."

"That's not what the political writer for the Post says!" She pulled out her phone and clicked on something, handing it to him. He took it from her and started reading. There he saw a story about him and how this writer has it on good authority, from several reputable sources, that the up and coming ADA Rafael Barba is eyeing the New York AG job in the special election coming up. Quotes from undisclosed sources close to the DA's office says he's just been 'biding his time' working sex crimes until he had his chance and now that he did…

He closed his eyes, sighing. He opened them up to see her standing there, still glaring at him. He took a couple of steps toward her, handing her the phone back. She yanked it out of his hand. He could feel her shaking as her fingers brushed his hand.

"Liv…"

"Holy shit, it's true."

"Not exactly."

"Forget it. I thought after all this time you would… forget it." She turned on her heel to leave, but he grabbed her arm, pulling her back around.

"No. You need to hear me. I'm not leaving."

"But the Post…"

"That's higher ups in the DNC trying to force my hand. They have been calling me for weeks since this special election was announced. They've been on my return call sheet for months, even years probably. Carmen continues to blow them off for me. Cahill and Smith, the heads of the state DNC, were waiting for me outside when I left last night. They basically followed me home, talking the whole time. I kept telling them no. Every way I know how to say no, I told them. They did this. They are trying to make it so I have to run. But I'm not. I don't want that job." They were standing close. He didn't realize he had pulled her so close, but there they stood, close. He could feel her breathing heavily and the pulse racing under his fingers when his hand had slipped down to her wrist. He glanced down at his hand and then back up at her, seeing something in her eyes.

He cocked his head at her slightly. "Why are you so upset about this? You've lost ADA's in the past in been just fine."

"You aren't just any ADA" she whispered, stepping closer to him.

"Sure I am."

"No, Rafael, you aren't." She quickly closed the distance between them, wrapping her arms around his shoulders, pressing her lips to his. He froze in the moment, wondering if this is when he was going to wake up. But when he didn't, he responded in kind. For a moment, the world melted away. It was just him and her, standing there, making out like teenagers in his office. But he knew there was something else. He gave her one last light kiss and pulled back, resting his hands lightly on her hips.

"Liv" he said quietly. She swallowed the lump that had formed in her throat and looked at him. "What was that about?"

Her eyes widened. "Look, sorry about the kiss, I guess. If you don't…"

He squeezed her hips with his hands. "Will you please, for the love of God, stop putting words in my mouth?!" She snapped her lips shut, nodding her head.

"Thank you. You come in here, angrier than I have ever seen you at me, throwing a fake story in my face and then you kiss me. And while that kiss is something I plan to revisit, I need you to tell me where that came from."

She looked off to the side. He could see the war waging on her face and in her eyes. Would she run or would she…"

"I was scared" she whispered, not quite looking at him. She stared at her hand on his shoulder. "I read that story and all I could see is you were leaving. You were leaving me. And I just…" She finally met his eyes. And the war was over. "I'm not sure I could do this job anymore if you weren't here. My heart hurt as I read that story last night. Every time I closed my eyes, all I could see is coming in here to talk to you and finding an empty office. It would suck if you weren't here anymore."

"So, this is just about my amazing capabilities as an attorney?"

"No" she replied, looking at him hard. "It's about the realization that my life would suck if you weren't a part of it anymore. If you left this job, the city… and I never got to tell you…" She swallowed hard and he smiled, tucking a piece of hair behind her ear.

"You know, Olivia, there are people every day, across this whole country, who manage to not work together and still have healthy, successful lives and relationships."

"I know" she said, sheepishly. "I do know that. But you and I… this work… it is part of our DNA. It's what brought us together. Your passion for this is what made me fall for you."

"So that wasn't just a heat of the moment make out session, then?" She shook her head no, wrapping her arms back around his shoulders, stepping in till they were pressed together.

"I'm not leaving you" he whispered, placing a light kiss on her cheek before wrapping her up in a hug. He felt her nod. "You believe me?"

"Yes" she breathed out against his cheek.

"Good. So, here's what is going to happen" he said as he stepped back, finally releasing his hold on her. She smiled, crossing her arms, watching him move back around his desk, shifting back into ADA Barba mode.

"First, I'm going to call Cahill and rip him a new one. Then, I'm going to call the DNC and do the same. After that, the Post for publishing this without getting a quote from me. Then, you and I are going to work today and at 6:30, I'm going to come pick you up for dinner so we can talk about all of this. That work for you?"

"You're hot when you are bossy."

"Then you must find me incredibly attractive a majority of the time."

"You have no idea." She smirked at him, letting out a sigh and rolling her head around, releasing the tension she had been holding in her shoulders since the night before. "Ok. You have fun destroying the DNC. And I'll see you at 6:30." She turned on her heel to leave.

"Liv?" She glanced back to him, behind his desk, phone in his hand.

"Life would pretty much suck without you too." She smiled widely and waved goodbye, knowing that what she was afraid she had lost for good was just starting to finally come together.


	18. Misery

This chapter and the next one will go together. 

* * *

**_It's not that I didn't care_ **   
**_It's that I didn't know_ **   
**_It's not what I didn't feel,_ **   
**_It's what I didn't show_ **

**_-Maroon 5 (Misery)_ **

* * *

He glanced at his watch and back at her, scribbling at her desk. He took a deep breath and let it out, starting to gather his things.

"You done?" she asked

"Yeah" he nodded, not looking up at her. He didn't really like to think about why he couldn't look at her in this moment.

"Seems early for you. Plans?"

"Actually, yeah. A new teacher at mom's school. We've talked a couple of times and she called the other day asking if I wanted to grab dinner, so…" he trailed off, pressing his lips together, finally working up the nerve to look up at her. Her eyes were wide. Mouth hanging open slightly. They just stared at each other. He finally cleared his throat.

"So, I'm going to head. Have a good night Liv."

She could only watch him leave. Make his way through the squad room and in the elevator. She was frozen. Stuck. Crushed. It had hit her like a ton of bricks. A date. Of course he had a date. He was smart, handsome, successful, talented, funny, sexy as hell… she was pretty sure handsome had covered that but for some reason her brain circled back to that. It felt like the walls were closing in. And it was miserable.

"Barba's done early tonight" Carisi remarked from the door.

"He's got a date" she replied, barely able to get it out without gagging on the words. Carisi looked at her. "Lieu, you ok?"

She finally moved her eyes from the last place he had stood and looked at her detective. "I have no idea." Carisi just smiled and motioned at one of her guest chairs. She nodded and he sat down.

"That a problem?" he asked, resting his elbows on his knees.

"What? No. No of course not. He's free to… I mean it's not like we… but I thought…" She dropped her glasses, rubbing her fingers over her eyes.

"Lieu, can I speak freely for a moment?" She nodded, still not looking at him.

"The thing is Amanda is jaded between her sister and Declan and Fin likes to just mind his own, you know? But me, well I've kind of always had this romantic heart. I like to root for people who I think should be together for the long run." She finally looked at him and the look on her face made him wonder for a second if he had sprouted a third eye ball in the middle of his forehead.

He nodded. "Ok, let me try this another way. Subtle isn't going to work here. You seem jealous that Barba has a date tonight."

"No" she said, shaking her head vehemently. He just stared at her, eyes wide. "Carisi, no. I'm not. He's free to date whomever he wants. It's not like we ever… I mean, yeah, we spend a lot of time together and we're close. Sure. But I'm not jealous." He just continued to stare at her.

"Carisi, I'm not! I swear! Sure, there's an attraction there. We've admitted that to each other, but he's an attractive man. I'm not blind. But to think that I could… or that we could…" she trailed off, staring over his head at the wall.

"Lieu" he said softly. He could see it slowly work its way over her face. The realization of what she had been ignoring.

"Shit" she said quietly. Carisi smiled and nodded slightly.

Her eyes locked on his. "Oh God… I think I want… and he's out…" He could see the fear start to work its way in. "I'm too late, I guess. He's… he's trying to find someone. Why not a teacher at his mom's school? She's probably smart and funny and not a workaholic. She can bring him a normal life that he deserves. That's what he's looking for. He deserves to be happy."

"He told you all that? I mean, you all have discussed it at length."

She shook her head at him. "Well, then, Lieu, it sounds to me like you are making excuses for why you shouldn't jump out of that chair and show him that there's an alternative to teacher of the year."

"Carisi…"

"Liv…" She froze. He never used her name. Ever. "Yeah. I know. I had to get your attention. Lieu, here's the thing. Barba's a different guy. We've spent some time together and I pay attention. There's a reason he has stayed in this job. The challenge. Normal is boring to him. If it wasn't, he would have taken one of those partner jobs he's been offered from every firm in town over the last five years. That's not what he wants."

"You don't know that."

"See, Lieu, unlike you, I know this because he's mentioned it. He like a challenge. The idea of working hard for something is what gets him going. It's why he throws everything has into all of our cases. Trust me, he doesn't do a third of the work for others that he does for us, I promise. Normal, to him, is just plain. He wants a unique existence that means something."

Olivia took a deep breath. "Lieu, you need to let go of the fear. Will it be hard? Sure. Will it be scary? As hell. Will it be wrong? From my point of view, no. Never." She exhaled slowly.

"What do you want to do?"

"Drag him away from teacher of the year."

Carisi laughed. "Well, maybe not so drastic. But I do think you should think about talking to him."

"Yeah" she breathed out. "Ok. I'll think about it." He smiled and stood up, holding up his hands. "That's all I'm asking." He turned to leave when she said his name. She nodded her thanks at him. He replied with a nod of his own and left. She watched him gather up his things, smiling as he answered his phone. The illusive girlfriend, she assumed.

* * *

She dropped her phone and her keys on the table, looking around her quiet apartment. Tonight was Noah's monthly overnight with Nick's mom so she had the night wide open. She had expected to work late with Barba, maybe grabbing drinks and a quick bite to eat. Maybe a night cap here. She had bought his favorite scotch the last time she went to the store, trying to ignore what it meant. Couldn't do that anymore. Not since Carisi dropped his truth bomb. She looked around, sighing. She knew she should just stay here and clean or do some much-needed laundry or catch up on some TV or read or just get some damn sleep. Noah wouldn't be back until tomorrow afternoon when Lucy picked him up from school and brought him home. She went in to the bathroom to wash her face but all she could was stare at herself in the mirror. The look of misery that was on her face was a surprise to her. Like she didn't recognize herself. And there was only one way to solve it. She walked into her closet, grabbing some clothes and making a decision. It was time.


	19. Breathe

This follows up the last chapter (Misery)

* * *

_**Let go of the fear** _   
_**Let go of the doubt** _   
_**Let go of the ones** _   
_**Who to try to put you down** _   
_**You're gonna be fine** _   
_**Don't hold it inside** _   
_**If you hurt right now** _   
_**Then let it all come out** _

_**-Ryan Star (Breathe)** _

* * *

She let go of the breath she had been holding, trying to push the fear and doubt out of her mind as she pulled open the doors to his building. She smiled at the doorman as she walked in.

"Evening, Lieutenant Benson. I'm sorry but I haven't seen Mr. Barba come in yet." She looked at her watch. It had been three hours since he walked out of her office for his date. She felt her stomach turn a bit. Three hours. That means the date… she pressed her lips together. Oh God.

She looked at him, trying to keep her face neutral. "Is it ok if I just wait over there?" she asked, pointing at the bench in the small alcove in the lobby.

"Of course. Did you want me to try to call him?" She shook her head quickly. She just held up her hand and walked over to the bench, trying her best not to collapse on to it. She dropped her head into her hands, closing her eyes. But all she could see was him. And his date. Three hours. Laughing. Sitting close together, sharing drinks and stories. Kissing. Oh Lord, the idea of that made her want to throw up. She was going to kill Carisi tomorrow. She was fine. Denial was her best friend. But then he made her start to think… things. He was totally going to dumpster dive on the next case they had. She would make sure of it. She shook her head in her hands, glancing at her watch quickly. 5 more minutes. She wasn't going to be pathetic. She would only wait 5 more minutes and then she was leaving and forgetting all of this. Lord knows she did not want to be sitting here if…

"Liv?" She stopped breathing, afraid to look up, afraid of what she would see if she did. "Liv" he said again. "You ok?" She finally exhaled, looking up at him. She glanced around quickly.

"You're alone" she stated.

"Yeah? Liv, what are you doing here?" She stood up, finding them closer together than they normally stood. She could see the 5 o'clock shadow on his face and the flecks of gold in his green eyes. She had to do this.

"Can we go upstairs?" she asked quietly. He nodded and motioned for her to head for the elevator. The doorman nodded at the two of them and they entered the elevator, Olivia thanking God they were alone. The doors closed and she felt his eyes on her. He didn't say anything, but he watched her the entire way up to his floor. It felt like an eternity before the elevator dinged on his floor. She followed him down the hall and into his apartment. She paced around, wringing her hands together, not being real sure where to start.

"Ok. You look like you need a minute. I'm going to go change. You know where the drinks are." She found herself alone, surrounded by him. His style, his possessions, his life. She looked hard as she slowly walked to the kitchen, grabbing two glasses like it was second nature. She stopped, staring at the glasses in her hands. She had been so foolish. Too guarded. What was she doing here? She should let him be happy.

"I can tell you where I got those if you like them so much" he said, standing near her. She looked up from her staring contest with the glasses to see him in a t-shirt and track pants. That sight of him so casual nearly undid her.

He took the glasses out of her hands and put them down. "Liv, you are starting to freak me out a little. What's going on?" She watched as he pulled the scotch down form the shelf and poured two glasses. She grabbed her glass, taking a long drink before heading back out to the living room, pacing again. She heard him sigh and sit down on the couch, sipping his drink and just staring at her.

"Can you please stop staring at me?" she finally growled out. He sighed again, placing his glass on the table and leaning back, resting on arm across the back of his couch.

"And what should I be doing instead?" She turned on her heel and stared at him. She wanted to throw her glass at him. Here she was, a ball of stress and fear and he was sitting there, relaxed. Of course he was. He had a date tonight.

"How was your date?" she asked.

"Fine, I guess."

"Was she nice?"

"Sure."

"Smart? Funny? Young?"

"Somewhat. Not really. And I didn't check her ID." She narrowed her eyes at him as he gave her one of his signature half smiles. "Liv, what's going on? What are you doing here?" She set her glass down, grasping her hands together again.

"Truth?"

"That would be my preference, yes."

"The truth is I'm not sure. Carisi came in to my office after you left and… he just started talking and I told him he was way off base but he just kept insisting and just staring at me in that way that he has and I kept telling him no and that he was wrong but…"

"Wrong about what?"

She shook her head. "I shouldn't be here. You deserve nice dates with beautiful women who make you happy. You should be happy. I shouldn't…"

"Will you please stop!?"

She met his eyes. She wanted to look away, but she couldn't. They were locked in, the two of them. "Liv. Answer the question. What did you think Carisi was wrong about?"

"He asked me if I was jealous." She watched him freeze for a second, processing what she had just said.

"Of what?" he said quietly.

"Your date. You. Having a date. With this young, beautiful, successful teacher of the year. And he was right. I was. I am. Jealous. I guess. Of her." She snapped her lips shut as that all fell out of her mouth. They just stared at each other. Neither able to move. She could see him processing all of that as quickly as he could.

"So… jealous?" She could only nod her head. "Of my date." She nodded again. He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. "Come sit by me please" he said. She slowly walked over, sitting on the edge of the couch next to him, feeling like she was ready to bolt in a moment's notice. And he could tell.

"Liv, I need you to relax. Breathe please." She exhaled and fell back against the couch, looking at him. She watched him close his eyes and lean back, mimicking her position. He rolled his head over to look at her and she did the same.

"First, let me do this. My date was fine. It was nice to be out and not talk about work, but I was bored about a half hour in. She was sweet, pretty, mostly intelligent. But nothing about her struck me in anyway. We ate dinner, had a drink and then I bid her goodnight."

"Three hours."

"What?" he asked, scrunching his eyes together in confusion.

"You let my office three hours before you walked in here."

He smiled. "I actually went back to find you. Went to see if you were still working. But the desk clerk in the lobby said you had left, so I went to the office to grab a few files and came here. I was going to change and then call you to see what you were doing. Cause the thing about the date… I found myself wondering what you were doing while she was talking to me. I didn't want to be there."

"Where did you want to be?"

"Right here. With you." She felt the stupid smile work its way across her face and she didn't even care.

"Oh" is all she could say. With the way he was running his eyes over her face, the power of speech had escaped her.

He shifted closer. "Here's the thing. I think I'm going to kiss you now. If you don't want…" But he didn't get to finish that statement. She wrapped her hand around the back of his neck and yanked him to her, pressing her lips to his. From there, they threw caution to the wind. Before she knew it, she was lying on top of him, his hands running over her lower back, his lips working his way up and down her neck to her lips and down again. She pushed herself up, straddling his lap, feeling the effect she was having on him. She may have rolled her hips a bit, just to get a reaction and when he moaned loudly, she knew she was done. He pushed himself up, pulling her flush to his chest.

"Stay" he whispered in her ear.

"Rafael, I may never leave."

"Fine by me" he replied, pushing her off his lap, standing up and dragging her into his bedroom.


	20. Honey I'm Good

 

* * *

**_Hold up now, you look good, I will not lie_ **   
**_But if you ask where I'm staying tonight I gotta be like_ **   
**_Oh baby, no baby, you got me all wrong baby_ **   
**_My baby's already got all my love_ **   
**_-Andy Grammer (Honey, I'm Good)_ **

* * *

"This seat taken?"

Barba glanced up at the tall, leggy blonde giving him a look he had gotten on more than one occasion, he could admit to himself. He shook his head no, turning back to his work and his drink, but still feeling her eyes on him.

"Seems like an odd place to try to do work" she said, turning toward him slightly, legs crossed. He looked over at her and shrugged. "What can I say? The noise actually helps me think." She extended her hand.

"Madeline."

"Rafael" he replied, quickly shaking her hand before he turned back to his legal pad, jotting a few more thoughts down.

"Unusual name. I like it" he heard her say.

"Well, my mother is an unusual woman. Plus, it's a family name." He watched her run her tongue over her lips slightly. He nodded at Anthony behind the bar and he filled up his glass again.

"Seems like this is a regular spot for you, Rafael."

"It is. I work around the corner."

"Banker?"

"Lawyer."

"That was going to be my next guess. You work for a firm I have heard of?"

"I actually work for the Manhattan District Attorney's office."

Her eyes got wide in that moment. "Oh. I knew you looked familiar. You work a lot of high profile cases."

He shrugged. "What can I say? The DA trusts me. I can get the job done."

"I would say so" she replied, leaning in to him a little bit. Anthony pressed his lips together to keep from laughing as his eyes met Barba's over the blonde's head. He felt her rest her hand on his forearm and he sighed, looking back at her.

"I bet you have some great stories. How about we go someplace a little quieter and you can tell me some?" He smiled at her and waved Anthony over.

"Drop her drink on my tab, please, Anthony." He nodded and Barba started to gather up his things. He saw her reach for her purse and he stopped her.

"It was nice to talk to you, Madeline, and there are probably dozens of men in here tonight who would love to take you some place a little quieter." He glanced over his shoulder toward the entrance and smiled. "But I am not one of them. Have a good night." He missed her eyes widen as he grabbed his jacket off the back of his chair and headed toward her, standing in the entry.

She narrowed her eyes at the blonde, who's eyes had followed him across Forlini's to her. He pressed a kiss to her cheek and grabbed her hand. "You're late" he said, lacing their fingers together.

"I swear, I'm like 30 seconds late to meet you and some woman is throwing herself at you. Again!" Liv gave one last glance to the blonde, who had already moved on to the man that had taken over his seat at the bar.

"Maybe you should stop being late."

She rolled her eyes at him as they walked out onto the street. "Or how about we take lunch tomorrow to run down and buy you a new wedding band since the other one has seemed to have vanished into thin air."

He stopped and pulled her into him, wrapping his arm around her waist, cocking his head to the side and giving her a slight smile. "Olivia Benson, jealous. Who knew?" He kissed her quickly on the lips before letting her go.

She looped her arm through his. "Maybe. But these women need to know that you have someone to go home to at night. You're taken. It's either a new ring or I tattoo it on your forehead."

"New ring it is, dear. I'll have Carmen clear my lunch hour tomorrow."


	21. Alone Together

So while on my trip I watched some old eps, namely all the Barba eps from season 14 before Raul was a series regular. Which lead me to Lessons Learned (14x8). This is the ep that takes place at Manor Hill where it comes out that there was a long history of abuse by teachers against the boys. Elliot Gould and Anthony Rapp are in that episode. To me, it's an amazing Barson ep before Barson had really become a thing. I think it's the first time we really got to see Liv and Barba butt heads about how to proceed. He doesn't want anything to do with it because he doesn't think it's a real case. Liv pushes him and then the school pisses him off and we get to see Barba be Barba by going after them hard till they finally own up to what happened. Plus, Barba and Rita face off for what may have been the first time. And then at the end when he walks in and says something to the effect of "the point was never to take this to court anyway" while him and Olivia share a look. It's been a week since I watched it and if I could have gotten this out of my head while on the trip, I would have. I encourage all my Barson-istas to go back and take a second look at this ep. It's cracked my top Barson eps.

* * *

**_'Cause I don't know where you're going,_ **   
**_But do you got room for one more troubled soul_ **   
**_I don't know where I'm going, but I don't think I'm coming home_ **

**_-Fall Out Boy (Alone Together)_ **

* * *

She stayed to the back of the room, just watching these men who had been suffering for years and years in silence and alone finally start to heal, to get some closure, to get some acknowledgment that what had happened to them was wrong.

"So, is this where you tell me that it really is about the people and not the court room wins?" She smiled slightly. He had only been working with them for a few weeks, but there was already something about him. She slid her eyes over to him as he stood next to her, hands in his pockets, looking at the same scene she was.

"Come on, Barba. Surely you knew that in Brooklyn?"

He shrugged. "Not really. The Brooklyn DA wanted the win or he didn't want us wasting our time on it."

"It can't be that different over here in Manhattan?"

"Sure it is. It's different because you are here and not there." She whipped her head around to him, but his eyes stayed on the group, watching them all move around and be there for each other.

"Why, Counselor, that almost felt like a compliment!" He glanced over at her and smiled.

"I guess it kind of was, Detective. Your reputation proceeds you. I guess I should have believed all the naysayers when I agreed to take the transfer."

She turned toward him, leaning back against the wall, crossing her arms over her chest. "And what were all these so-called naysayers telling you?"

He turned toward her, mimicking her position. He took a step closer and she could see the 5 o'clock shadow on his face and got her first good look at his unique green eyes. She felt a lump form in her throat, and for a second, held her breathe.

"That Olivia Benson would change the way I did my job. I would adjust to her, not the other way around. And they were right. I would have never pursued this in Brooklyn. This one is all you. I'm standing here, watching the right thing happen, because you pushed me."

"So, should I say you're welcome or apologize?"

He smiled, cocking his head to one side, like she had quickly discovered he had a habit of doing. "I'm not sure yet. Can I get back to you on that?" She laughed and nodded.

They both turned to look at the men who were finally able to be there for each other, to share what they had experienced and find a way to heal together.

"We did a good thing here" he said, mostly as a statement, not a question.

"Guess you are a little bit more than a prosecutor, huh?" He rolled his eyes at her. "Hush, Detective" he replied. They looked around and found they were some of the last people standing the room. She nodded at him and they both headed out of Manor Hill. They got to the steps and stopped.

"Plans tonight, Detective?"

She shook her head at him. "Can we stop with the Detective and Counselor thing? Please feel free to call me Liv." He nodded. "Ok, then, Liv. Where are you off to?"

"I guess I'll grab some food and head home. Catch up on some TV. You?"

"Same, except reading for TV." He looked her up and down for a moment. "Care to be alone together and grab some dinner? I know a great sushi place not too far from here." She laughed, shaking her head. "Of course you do."

"What does that mean?" he asked, leading them off in the direction of the restaurant.

"You have a reputation too, Barba. I do believe 'food snob' is the phrase that gets thrown around."

"If that's all you know about me, I'm doing ok."

She laughed. "Oh, we can get to the rest of it later. Let's go get sushi." He smiled at her, motioning her to follow him. And she had a feeling this wouldn't be the last time she followed they followed each other's lead.


	22. Never Gonna Let You Go

_**Everything has changed for me** _   
_**With all the bright lights in the city at night** _   
_**It's still too dark to see** _   
_**And if you take me by the hand with the whole world watching** _

_**-Tony Lucca (Never Gonna Let You Go)** _

* * *

Chaos. Everywhere she looked was chaos. It was supposed to be routine hearing. That turned into a mess when the girlfriend of the accused and her band of crazy girlfriends stormed in, guns blazing, making over the top demands. Or so she had heard. She stepped out to take a call and all hell had broken loose and she was stuck on the outside, literally, while Fin and Rollins and Barba were trapped in that courtroom.

The sun had set quite some time ago when the women had finally been disarmed and restrained. She was about to come out of her skin at that point. Fin had managed to get her one text, saying he and Rollins were good, but Barba was at the center of the fray, since he was the one the crazy girlfriend had deemed judge, jury and executioner. She rubbed her hand over her face, unable to shake the memory of two weeks ago.

_She smiled as she sat her glass down, next to his on her table. The work had been done for hours, but they still sat here, together. She could tell he didn't want to walk away from her and if he had tried, she would have pulled him back, physically. She slid her eyes over to him to find him staring at her, hard._

_He smiled slightly. "I should go" he whispered._

_"Probably" she replied, yet neither one of them moved away from each. In fact, he seemed to shift closer to her. She sighed and rested her head on her closed fist, facing him._

_"I thought you were leaving."_

_"I said I should go, not that I was." She bit her lip as his eyes darted to her lips and back to her gaze._

_"What are we doing?" she asked._

_"I don't know, but if you want me to stop, Liv, you better say so right now." But the only words that came to her mind as he wound his hand into her hair, pulling her lips toward his, were 'why did we wait so long?'_

And now she couldn't lay eyes on him. Fin had lost sight of him in the chaos of the take down. And there were so many people and the darkness didn't help either. She couldn't make out faces. She knew part of it was her fear. The fear that after this morning, she wouldn't get the chance to make things right.

_She could feel the smile break out on her face as she saw him coming toward her. Every time she saw him, the memory of his lips on hers, his hands on her hips, the feel of his back under her hands, how it felt waking up wrapped around him, she felt the happiness take over. But it was so new. He came toward her, that look on his face and she froze, looking around. He stopped short, the happiness wiped off his face, being replaced with annoyance and anger._

_"Hi" she said, gripping her coffee hard. He nodded and shoved his free hand in his pocket, glaring at her. She knew what was wrong. It was a discussion they had had several times already._

_"Raf…"_

_"Liv, no. I told you. All in. I'm all in. You are the one dragging her feet. I would have been in Cutter's office last week, disclosing everything and signing whatever he wanted. I'm too old to play this game. I'm not sure I can. I want you. In every way possible, I want you. But you need to decide what you want. If you want to play games, maybe this" he said, waving between the two of them "isn't meant to be."_

She could kick herself for making him think she was anything less than all in. Noah hadn't been able to stop talking about his latest obsession, Rafael Barba, and Liv just let him. When Barba wasn't around, Noah just chattered away and Liv loved hearing her son talk about this man who had become so ingrained in their lives. She needed to find him.

She felt a hand on her arm. She turned to see Fin, pointing toward an ambulance at the bottom of the steps.

"He's down there getting checked out."

She was off before he finished the sentence. She skidded to a stop around the back of the ambulance to see him sitting there, jacket off, tie loosened, vest hanging open. The EMT was looking at his hand as he opened and closed it.

"Mr. Barba, I think your hand is fine."

"I told you it was. Go check on someone who is actually hurt!" She had to stifle a laugh as the EMT sighed and grabbed his bag, rolling his eyes at the ADA as he walked away. He finally met her gaze.

"I'm fine, Liv. They were just checking to make sure my hand wasn't fractured or anything."

"Why would they think it was?"

"Well, I may have broken that son of a bitch's nose when he took a run at me." And she started to laugh. Of course, the mouth of Jerome Street laid out a defendant. He probably didn't think twice about it.

"Well, at least you didn't give him your home address. That's an improvement." He nodded, pressing his lips together, staring at her. She felt the tears in her eyes. Eyes were on them but in that moment, she didn't care. She squared her shoulders and stepped toward him. He was frozen, watching her move, and that was on her. She grabbed his face, pressing her lips to his, saying 'to hell with everyone else'. She felt his arm wrap around her waist and she let the rest of her fear fly away with the wind.

After a moment, he pulled back, looking up at her, a look of love and happiness on his face. She rested her hand on his cheek, running her thumb over his cheekbone, wondering how she would ever keep her hands to herself again.

"Can you leave?"

"Are you asking me to go home with you, Lieutenant?" he asked, waggling his eyebrows at her.

"You bet your sweet Cuban ass." He laughed and stood up, arm wrapped around her waist tightly as they turned to see they had an audience. Rollins smiled at them brightly, nodding her approval. Olivia looked over to find her boss, Chief Dodds, staring at them. He pressed his lips together and waved them off. "Take tomorrow, Olivia. It's been a big night." And he walked away. She looked over at Rafael and he shrugged.

"You heard the man. We owe Noah a zoo day. Let's all play hookey tomorrow." He pressed a kiss to her cheek and lead her off into the night, toward home.


	23. In Your Eyes

This comes from Tumblr. Over there, some lovely soul has done some research and found Raul Esparza has a different cologne for each of the characters he has played. The Barba one is top secret, but this lovely soul found a sample and says it smells like a sexy lumberjack. I've spent two weeks trying to figure out a story about that. It finally hit me last night.

* * *

**_All my instincts, they return_ **   
**_And the grand facade, so soon will burn_ **   
**_Without a noise, without my pride_ **   
**_I reach out from the inside_ **

**_-Peter Gabriel (In Your Eyes)_ **

* * *

She blew into his office, ready to get her week started, only to find it empty. She glanced around, looking to see if he had even arrived yet. She saw his suit jacket hanging on the coat rack, meaning he had been here for some time, working hard first thing on a Monday morning.

She didn't really need to be here. It had been a slow weekend, for once. She had needed the rest, the time with Noah, but she had also realized Sunday afternoon, she hadn't spoken to him since Friday night, hadn't seen him since that morning. And that realization made her heart hurt a little bit. She leaned against the wall of his office, sighing. She had been having more of those moments recently. Moments when he wasn't there but she found herself wishing that he was. Like when she would be standing at her sink washing dishes or walking through the park with Noah.

She inhaled deeply, trying to get her mind right when it hit her. A scent. She realized it was coming from his suit jacket. Something that was appealing to her. She looked at his jacket, just hanging there innocently, but at the same time, provocatively. She leaned in slightly, inhaling again. What was that? She found herself being drawn closer to his jacket, starting to reach her hand up to grab it when…

"Liv?" She stood straight up, finding him standing there, staring at her, coffee in one hand, file in the other. She ran her hand through her hair, glancing harshly at his jacket one last time.

"Nothing. I just… what?" She shook her head, meeting his confused gaze. "Sorry, Barba. I think I just need another cup of coffee." _'And to take a moment to regain my sanity'_ she thought to herself, walking around the corner to grab a cup from the outer office. By the time she got back in there, he was sitting at his desk, writing away. "What's going on?" he asked as she took a wide berth around his coat rack.

* * *

The slowness continued, for the moment. It gave them all a chance to breath, to get caught up on paperwork and to take advantage of some of the overtime they had all amassed. She looked at the clock just after 5, finding she was done for the day. She started to gather her things when her phone buzzed on her desk. She grabbed it, finding a message from him – the first one today. Her heart beat double time for a second and she smiled widely.

_It would seem my work is done for the day. Come back and have a drink with me._

Not a question. A demand of sorts. She found it attractive. And so him. Whatever this was she felt for him made her hesitate. And for a while, he hesitated too. But not recently. Recently he had stopped asking and started telling and she found that sexy. She quickly typed out her reply and headed back to his office.

By the time she got there, the noise had quieted and the offices had mostly emptied. Carmen had even left for the day, so she just walked right in. She glanced over at his jacket, still hanging on the coat rack. Again, with the wide berth and she heard him chuckle from behind her. She turned to find him sitting on his couch, two drinks on the table in front of him, legal pad on his lap.

"Why are you acting like my jacket is going to jump off of that and strangle you?"

"I'm not" she said, trying to act confident when she was anything less than that as she sat down next to him. He laughed quietly as he set the legal pad down, pushing her glass toward her. She grabbed her glass off the table, taking a long sip as she glanced at him, leaned back against the corner of the couch, arm stretched over the top. She leaned back and she could feel the heat of his hand against the back of her head. There went her heart beat again. She turned her head to say… something, anything… and that scent hit her again, but stronger and harder than this morning. She couldn't help herself. She leaned in slightly, inhaling longer, placing her glass on the table.

She watched his eyes widen and darken a bit and she was sure her cheeks flushed at that. "What is that?" she whispered.

"What?"

"That… scent. I've never… and this morning it was on your jacket and now…" She swallowed the lump in her throat, wondering when she had stopped talking in complete sentences around him.

He shifted slightly and she felt his fingers sweep against her hair. It took all of her willpower not to lean in to his touch. And that was all the willpower she had left, she was sure of that.

He shrugged his shoulders slightly, dropping his glass on the end table next to him. "Oh. That. I was wandering through some store in Midtown on Sunday and this aggressive sales associate kind of cornered me with this cologne. I can't remember the name of it, but she said it reminded her of a sexy lumberjack, so I couldn't resist. You like it?" That look in his eyes as he asked her that took the last remaining shreds of her willpower and shoved it right out his window. She slid closer to him and she gave in to the want of leaning into his hand when he ran his fingers through her hair.

She inhaled deeply again, turning to lean her shoulder against him. "Yes. Yes I do. I like it a lot. I missed you over the weekend." That last thought fell out of her mouth before she could stop it. Apparently, her filter had followed her willpower right out the window. He smiled, leaning his head to one side.

"Missed me?"

She nodded. "I realized on Sunday that we hadn't spoken since Friday and I can't remember when the last time was that had happened." He nodded.

"You could have called me" he replied, dropping his hand to her shoulder, pulling her closer.

"I didn't need anything. I didn't want to bother you."

"You don't bother me, Liv. You can call me whenever you want."

"What would we talk about?"

He smirked at her. "The weather. Noah. How I could have come over for dinner and helped you put Noah in bed and then kissed you senseless against your front door as I went to leave." That last statement paused her breathing. "I may have missed you too this weekend" he whispered, dropping his gaze to her lips. She grabbed him by the tie, pulling his lips to hers, winding her free hand into his hair as he pulled her flush to his body, kissing her senseless on his couch. She pulled back when the need to breath trumped her need to kiss him. He opened his eyes and the dark green made her blood boil.

"So, the new cologne did the trick then, huh?" he asked, rubbing his hand up and down her arm.

"I may have to ban you from wearing that at work. I may not be able to stay away." He yanked her across his lap, resting her back against the arm of his couch.

"Well, Liv, I guess that's a risk I'm willing to take" he replied, assaulting her lips again.


	24. Odds Are

Sometimes you go weeks wanting to write something, but can't find the inspiration. And then it strikes you twice in less than 24 hours. Plus, BNL is my absolute favorite and I think it's a minor crime I haven't used one of their songs yet. This is my first stab at writing Amaro. I honestly can't remember much about his outside life other than his daughter and ex-wife. I hope I got his voice right in this. I'm watching some old eps and I kind of miss Nick. Maybe someday they can find a way to bring back Danny Pino for a few eps.

* * *

_**But it's a twenty-three four-to-one** _   
_**That you can fall in love by the end of this song** _   
_**So get up, get up** _   
_**Tell the bookie put a bet on "not a damn thing will go wrong"** _

_**-Barenaked Ladies (Odds Are)** _

* * *

"Liv!" She turned to see her old friend, Nick, walking toward her. It had been years since they had seen each other. Some emails and texts but life goes on. When he sent her a message saying he was in town today, she knew she had to carve out some time to see him. She gave him a big hug and they sat down in the booth, quickly ordering lunch.

"Just one day?" she asked.

"Yeah. Mom needed some help emptying out the house."

"I can't believe you all finally talked her into moving out west." He nodded. He ran his fingers around the rim of his cup. "How are Amanda and Jesse?"

"Doing well. How's Zara?"

"Amazing. And Noah?"

Liv smiled brightly. "Perfect. He's in kindergarten all day now, so it's been an adjustment." Nick stared at her, hard. "And what about you, Liv? It's been a rough couple of years. I heard about Tucker and the Chief's son…" Liv just nodded.

"Are you taking care of you?"

"I'm trying." She replied. Her phone buzzed and she quickly read the text, smiling brightly. She typed out a reply and set her phone back down.

"Now, there's a smile I haven't seen in years. That someone helping you take care of you?" Liv pressed her lips together, shrugging. Nick narrowed his eyes at her. "Barba finally happened, didn't it?"

Her eyes went wide and her mouth dropped open. She started to talk and he held up his hand. "Liv, please. Barba and I made our peace years ago. And you two… well, there was always something more there. We all knew it. Those three still do, but they will never say a word about it. Ever." He watched her grip her coffee cup till her knuckles turned white.

"It's new" she whispered.

"How new?"

"A couple of weeks. We had this bad case and my testimony was rough and the cross was brutal and it about broke me one night until…" Nick held up his hand. "I get it, Liv. I do. But… it's Barba. You two… it's not going to be easy. The odds are one of you… I would bet on him… will have to leave or will do something and you all will have to make hard choices. This could change your life. Are you ready for that?" Liv just stared at him as the waitress dropped their food in front of them. The rest of the lunch was cordial and soon, they were bidding each other goodbye on the street.

He squeezed her arm as his cab pulled up. "Be careful, Liv. And be happy too." She nodded as he got into the cab and rode away.

"So how was Amaro?" she heard from behind her. She turned to see him, sunglasses on, briefcase in hand, walking toward her.

"Good. He guessed that we had finally happened" she said as she wrapped her arm around his, joining him walking down the street. He watched her bite her lip, worrying about something. He stopped and pulled her around so he could look at her, pulling his glasses off his face.

"What did he say?"

She sighed. "Look, I know you and him never really…"

"Liv, that was years ago. Amaro isn't even a blip on my radar anymore. What did he say to you? He's in your head about something."

She nodded. "Look, he just… he said you and me… it was going to be hard and that one of us might have to make a hard choice down the road and…"

"And, what? That might end us?"

"He's right. It could. He said the odds are hard decisions are coming and this could absolutely change our lives."

He smiled, dropping a light kiss on her lips. "Damn, Liv, I certainly hope so. I'm kind of counting on it."


	25. Heart on Fire

The inspiration for this story comes from two places. (1) a lovely guest reviewer here names CouplesForever for suggesting this song. I don't know it but the lyrics are beautiful. And then (2) xphile101 over on Tumblr for asking me to follow up on what kind of broken Olivia brought her and Barba together from the previous chapter Odds Are.

* * *

_**Let me walk through life with you.** _   
_**Everybody dreams of having what we do.** _   
_**Like we're rolling thunder,** _   
_**You pull me out from under.** _

_**-Jonathan Clay (Heart on Fire)** _

* * *

"Wouldn't you say, Lieutenant, that you have a reputation for getting witnesses and suspects to say what you want in order to 'get the guy' you decide from the get go has committed this crime, whether they actually have or not?"

"Objection, your honor!"

"Overruled, Mr. Barba. Lieutenant Benson opened that door during your questioning, so I have to allow it."

She knew he was going to kill her for that offhand comment that she knew would come back to bite her in the ass the moment it flew out of her mouth. Barba had tried to walk it back, but she knew it was too late. The look on that defense attorney's face when she said it had all but sealed that deal.

This case had been the bane of her existence from the get-go. Sketchy evidence, a really smart and knowledgeable suspect and witnesses who kept waffling on their stories. They would agree, they would disagree, one would change a detail and the other would scream about how that was wrong. Olivia just knew this guy was good for it. But there was so much confusion and dirt, that she wasn't sure anyone would ever see it. And now that she had to answer this damaging line of questioning about her character and her methods, she knew this case was over.

"… we find the defendant not guilty…"

That's all she heard. She dropped her head into her hands, having prepped herself for this moment. The girls were terrible on the stand. They blamed each other more than they blamed this guy that had caused so much pain in their lives. She glanced up to see him just staring ahead, not even bothering to turn to look at her in this moment, like he usually did. She could feel the tears forming, knowing he was angry and disappointed and that it was all her fault. She waited for the courtroom to empty out before she finally pushed herself off the bench and out the door.

"What the hell?!" they screamed at her the moment she pushed open the doors. The girls were coming toward her, hell on heels.

"You swore, YOU SWORE, that if we did this, he would go to jail. That this was a slam dunk!"

"I never said those words…"

"Bitch, please. You had us convinced that if we did this we would be doing the right thing!"

"You two did, but…"

"But nothing. He got to walk out of here and we are laughing stocks and can probably never show our faces at school again. Why the hell do you even do this job if you are, like, the worst at it? I mean, aren't you supposed to be a professional, but you couldn't even handle yourself on the stand!"

She had no words. Her brain was fried and her confidence was shot. She didn't even hear the words Carisi said as he put himself between her and the two standing in front of her, berating her like she kind of deserved. Through the haze of her unshed tears, she saw him ushering them toward the elevator, but not before they shot back comments and cuss words in her direction.

"Liv" she heard Amanda whisper in her ear. "Liv, let's get out of here."

She pushed away from her team. "I'll take the stairs" she choked out, needing to get out of this building.

They watched her go, unsure of what to do.

"Should someone…" Carisi started when they heard Barba clear his throat from behind them.

"I'll go" he said, already heading in the direction she had gone.

* * *

He found her around the corner, on a bench in the small park near the courthouse. He stopped short, looking at her, arms wrapped around her waist, looking small and so unlike Olivia Benson. He made his heart hurt and for a moment, he wanted to lay waste to those three awful people for coming into their lives.

He approached her slowly, being unsure if she even heard him coming or not. He sat down, resting his elbows on his knees.

"Go away" she choked out and he looked over to see her wipe a tear off her face.

"Liv…"

"Why are you even here? You couldn't even look at me after I screwed up on the stand. I figured you would be in Cutter's office, laying the blame for this right at my feet, which is exactly where it belongs."

"Liv, I wouldn't do that to. You know me better than that."

She shrugged and turned her head, shaking with anger and sadness. This had broken her.

"Liv, what they said after court was totally uncalled for."

She turned toward him, ripping her sunglasses off her face and he want to end those three people and take her in his arms and protect her from the rest of the world, based on the tear stained eyes and utter dejection on her face.

"No, Barba, it wasn't. It was exactly right. I was terrible today. It's my fault. This whole thing, from the beginning, is my fault. Maybe Tucker was right. I should just get out before I cause more damage."

"Don't ever say that again.

"What?"

"That Tucker is right about shit."

"Barba, I let this happen. If I can't do this job properly then maybe it is time for me to…"

He grabbed her hands, turning her toward him, their knees bumping against each other. He squeezed her hands tightly, trying to shake her out of this crazy funk she had forced herself into.

"Olivia Benson, you need to hear me and you need to do it right now. You had a bad day. It happens. Sure. It happened at a really bad time. It probably caused this case to go the way it did. I won't lie about that. Am I going to hear about this? Yes. I am. Carmen is probably already avoiding calls on my behalf. But don't let this one case, this one dog shit of a case, get in your head. You are Olivia Benson. You have single handedly changed how sex crimes are dealt with all across the city. If you leave, I don't know what happens to the people who need you here. I don't know what happens to me…" He trailed off, looking down at his hands wrapped around hers. He could feel her pulse racing under his fingertips. He knew his was doing the same. He looked up to see the utter fear and dejection on her face. It killed him.

"Barba, you don't have to… you don't have to say something you don't really mean to try to make me feel better. Please don't."

He pulled her closer, running his hands up her arms to her elbows.

"Olivia, you know me better than that. When do I ever say something I don't mean?" She looked away, tilting her head to one side, avoiding him.

"Please look at me, Liv" he whispered. She looked back, the sad dark brown eyes ending him. Everything he felt and had spent years avoiding was suddenly there on the surface and he wasn't sure he could beat it back into submission again. He wasn't sure he wanted to.

"You make me a better man. These last 5 years… I'm not the same person who came over from Brooklyn looking for a step up. You've made me care. You've caused me to see the people we fight for as a person, not a number. You have made me see that there is a chance of a life outside of this world we live in day in and day out, with Noah. Your heart is amazing and the care and passion you have for what we do amazes me every day. There is no one in the world like you, Liv. Trust me, I've looked. There is only one you and you are needed here. That team needs you. The victims need you. I need you." He pressed his lips together, sucking in air because of how fast those words had fallen out of his mouth.

He watched some of the fear and sadness in her eyes disappearing, being replaced by something new. Something hopeful.

"You've looked?" she whispered, flipping her hands over, gripping his arms.

"Everywhere" he replied, laying his heart and soul right there on the ground for her to see.

"Why?"

"Because I realized a long time ago, I need you. But I didn't think there was any way to have you, so I tried to find a version of you. It didn't work and I was miserable doing it."

"Why do you think you can't have me?"

His heart stopped for a moment. So did his breathing. "Rafael" she whispered and he knew he was done. He pulled his hand off her arm, threading her fingers through her hair, smiling as she leaned her face against his palm. "Liv…"

"You need to kiss me now, Raf. Right now. Please." There was no denying her in this moment, or probably anymore. He pulled her into him, placing his lips lightly on hers. Showing her that never giving up is a hell of an option. And then all thought flew out of his head when she threaded her fingers into his hair, swiping her tongue across his lips.

* * *

He smiled up at her as she pulled the phone out of his hand, sitting down next to him on her couch, enjoying the silence now that Noah had finally fallen asleep after the excitement of dinner with Rafael and ice cream a little too late in the day.

He slid his arm around her shoulder and she cuddled into his side, wrapping her arm lightly around his waist, burying her face into his neck. Normally, sitting so still cause him to break out into hives. But here, like this, with Olivia, it felt like the most perfect thing he could be doing.

"Thanks for coming after to me today, Raf" she mumbled into his neck, dropping a light kiss below his ear as the exclamation point to the sentence.

"I'll always come after you, Olivia. Always."


	26. The Story of Us

So this behemoth of a story comes from Ms. Swift's oldie "The Story of Us" and me prepping for two things - the arrival of Peter Stone and what that means for Barba and the possibility of Raul leaving, even if for a short time, due to his comments about going back to Broadway sooner than people think. Those things paired with this song turned into this crazy long one shot.

* * *

_**This is looking like a contest** _   
_**Of who can act like they care less** _   
_**But I liked it better when you were on my side** _   
_**The battle's in your hands now** _   
_**But I would lay my armor down** _   
_**If you'd say you'd rather love than fight** _   
_**So many things that you wish I knew** _

_**-Taylor Swift (The Story of Us)** _

* * *

She sat on her bed, listening to Lucy and Noah in the living room getting ready for their big night together. A lot had changed in the last 6 months. With Noah being in school more, Lucy had moved on to other families, so it had been a few weeks since she had been over to see them both. She looked down at her clasped hands. 6 months. Because of her ego and pride and basic need for convincing others she could go it all alone, it had been 6 months.

_She found him staring out his window. She set the cups of coffee on his desk and walked up to him, standing shoulder to shoulder with him._

_"Barba."_

_He sighed, never breaking his gaze from the street in front of them. "Peter Stone is coming to town. Cutter told me this morning."_

_"Stone?"_

_"Ben Stone's son. Remember him?" Olivia just nodded. "He's moving from Chicago. Cutter gave him the executive job." Olivia closed her eyes for a moment. The executive ADA job was something they had all kind of counted on him getting. "I'm sorry."_

_He nodded, finally looking at her. "This is as far as I go in Manhattan. Cutter laid it all out for me. I can appreciate him at least having that much respect for me and my service. But after Ashtonja and the suspension, I'm slightly damaged goods. This office… this is as far as I go."_

_She was about to reply, but his body language and the look on his face told her there was more._

_"I didn't want to tell you like this" he said, turning toward her fully. "There's an offer out of Albany. A statewide task force. They finally got it all funded and set up and they want me to come up there and help run it. Between my knowledge of law and my time here working with SVU… I can make a real difference up there. Help pass meaningful laws that you all can use here to help the victims we see every day."_

_She felt like she had been punched. Leaving. He was leaving. All she could hear in her head was that he was walking away… from her… just like everyone else._

_"I can't believe you are letting Peter Stone run you out of Manhattan. I can't believe you are just going to leave… us… high and dry" she spit out, stumbling over us when she really wanted to say 'me'. Her brain was in flight mode. She couldn't even stop herself._

_"Olivia, you know it's not like that. But I'm done here. I'm stuck."_

_"Well, I'm sorry that my team and I are so awful to work with that we make you feel stuck. I apologize for that."_

_"Stop it, Liv. You know that's not what I meant."_

_"Go to Albany. Good luck. Let me know if this one manages to get off the ground. All the rest of these so-called task forces flamed out in weeks."_

_"Those task forces didn't have me, Liv."_

_"Like you make a difference."_

_His eyes flared wide and she knew she had crossed a line. Not just crossed it. Sprinted across it, leaving it in her dust._

_"You should go, Olivia, before we both say something we don't mean."_

_"Since when do either one of us say things we don't mean."_

_"Get the hell out of my office, Lieutenant."_

_"With pleasure, Counselor." She turned on her heel, walking as fast as she could to the elevator. It wasn't until she was inside, doors closing, that the weight of her words and what she had actually said to him hit her, crushing her like a ton of bricks, unable to stop the tears from rolling down her face._

She stared at the dress she was supposed to wear tonight. She wanted nothing more than to avoid this evening. She retreated into herself after her meltdown in his office. Which was now empty, waiting on Stone to assign a new ADA to it. He left. She couldn't even bring herself to go to his going away party. It hurt too much, knowing that he was leaving and she struggled to reconcile that in her brain. She had beat the back the feelings for him for so long that she couldn't let them out. She couldn't let him know. And then he was gone. And now it was 6 months later and he would be there. Tonight. A night that the governor and the mayor wanted to celebrate the success of the task force. He had been right – he was making a difference. They were using everything he gave them and it was making a difference in court and in pleas, across the board.

* * *

He adjusted his bowtie in the mirror, wondering how tonight would play out. The dreams he had been having over the last two weeks were driving him crazy.

_"Carmen, do you have the final list for the dinner in Manhattan in two weeks?"_

_"I do, Mr. Barba. Looking forward to getting back down there?" He shrugged, trying not to think about why he had been avoiding the place over the last 6 months, only going when forced and then never staying more than a night. His mother never let him hear the end of it, but she had calmed some when he said he would be staying for three nights and that he would absolutely meet her for church and brunch on the weekend._

_Carmen rolled her eyes at her boss, placing the list down in front of him. She had heard the whole fight. She had been there, pleading with him to go talk to her before he left. But it all fell on deaf ears. So, she quit trying. Until now. She waited, watching his eyes skim the list, seeing who he needed to make sure he talked to and who he wanted to avoid, until he hit her name._

_"Olivia" he breathed out. He shot his eyes up to Carmen. "When…"_

_"Yesterday. Chief Dodds RSVP'ed on her behalf, as she has been, apparently, avoiding the invitation that had been sitting on her desk for a month. Wonder why?"_

_"Don't start."_

_"You are ridiculous and I hope your mother rips you a new one tonight."_

_"Thanks for your unwavering support, Carmen."_

_"My pleasure, Mr. Barba."_

Since seeing her name on that list, she was all he had been able to think about. And he didn't know what to do. They hadn't spoken in 6 months. His ego and pride had kept him from picking up the phone. He wasn't wrong. He made the right move. This dinner, this night of celebration and recognition had proven that to everyone, but he still felt hesitation at even being here, in Manhattan. Like he was treading some place he didn't belong anymore.

* * *

She smoothed down her dress, standing at the bottom of the steps, bending the seating card in her hand, being unsure what to do. Grab a drink? Find her table? Run home and deal with the wrath of Dodds on Monday? The latter was starting to sound better and better.

"That's a hell of dress" she heard from behind her. She turned and smiled. "Carmen."

"Seriously, Lieutenant. You have that just lying around?"

Olivia looked down at her dark green dress, hanging just below her knees. "A sales lady cornered me at a low moment last week and somehow convinced me that I needed this."

Carmen smiled. "Well, you look amazing and the color…" she trailed off, smiling wryly at Olivia, staring at her. Olivia felt her face flush slightly and she looked away. "I think… I'm going to try to find my table."

"What number are you at?"

Olivia looked at the crumpled card in her hand. "6" she replied. Carmen just nodded, pressing her lips together. "Well, then. Have a good time. Maybe I will see you later."

Olivia watched the younger woman walk away and she headed off to find her table. She stood there, staring at her table, trying to really decide if she was going to sit down or run when

"Looks like we are table mates for the night". She froze. His voice. 6 months of radio silence and there it was. Smooth and warm, like home. She turned and met the green eyes she hadn't realized she had missed so much till this moment. And there he stood, looking handsome as ever, in his tux and bowtie. The way his eyes crinkled as he gave her a genuine smile made her heart beat double time.

"Hi" she breathed out.

"Hi" he replied, taking a step toward her. Her mouth froze. She had no clue what to say. What to do. All she could do was stare at him, try to memorize his face. 6 months. It felt like yesterday and forever all at the same time.

He reached around her and pulled out a chair. "I think this shindig is getting ready to start" he said, motioning her to take the chair. She sat down and looked up at him. "Care if I take this one?" he asked, cautiously, motioning to the chair next to her.

"Please" she exhaled. He sat down and she could feel the warmth coming off his body and the scent of his aftershave invading her senses. She wondered if she would ever be able to smell anything else again. Dinner was served and the program was presented, but she doesn't remember a moment of it. She remembered the way his fingers lightly gripped the glass of scotch he was drinking. She remembered the way he gracefully waved to the room when he was recognized as spearheading several of the new bills that would change the way victims were treated during the course of investigations and trials throughout the state. She remembered his smile as he laughed at some silly joke someone else at the table told. Soon, everyone started to get up to mingle again. He turned toward her, leaning on his elbow, invading her personal space.

"How's Noah?" he asked. All this time. Misunderstandings and anger and hidden feelings and he asked about her son. How could she have ever doubted him?

"Great. He loves school and he's started playing baseball with a few friends. He's a pretty good catcher."

"Maybe I'll try to catch a game some time."

"He would love that. You have no idea."

He cleared his throat, staring at her as he grabbed his drink, taking a sip. That look in his eyes… it had been so long and she didn't realize how much she missed it. How much she missed him. This moment. Right now. The fight needed to be over. She opened her mouth to say something… literally anything but before she could…

"Barba!" They both looked over to see Peter Stone waving at them, motioning for him to join the group he was talking to. Barba looked back at her. She was wondering how much trouble she would get in for shooting the exec ADA at a charity function. He smiled slightly at the table, dropping his drink down. "Duty calls" he said, pushing out of his chair. He took a step and turned back to her. "Liv, it was really great to see you. Like really great. You don't…" he trailed off, running his eyes over her. "Just… it was great spending this hour with you. And that dress looks amazing on you." And with that, he was gone, crossing the room to hobnob with everyone who wanted a moment with the man of the hour. Olivia just spent minutes watching him criss cross the room, shaking hands and taking his victory lap. She turned and stared at her wine glass, running her finger tips along the top. She finally lost sight of him and figured that was for the best. She started to gather her things when she felt a hand on her arm.

"You need to go talk to him" Rita said, coming into her line of view. Olivia opened her mouth but Rita held her hand up. "No, seriously, Olivia. You need to go talk to him. You two… I don't even know. He's been a surly son of a bitch the last 6 months but tonight he's all smiles and Mr. Personality. And trust me, it's not because he's the man of the hour. He got a new tux because he saw you would be here tonight. And that dress is no laughing matter." Rita patted her on the arm and was gone just as quickly as she had arrived. Olivia scanned the room but there was no sign of him. So, to her, that was a sign. She gathered her things and left before anyone noticed.

She found him standing at the window on the landing, looking out on the city like he had 6 months ago when her life seemed to fall apart. She froze. He turned and met her eyes.

"Leaving?" he asked as she slowly approached him.

"Yeah, I thought I would just go ahead and go since…" but she lost the words. He stepped into her and that scent was overpowering. The battle she had been waging for 6 months… hell, for almost 6 years, just fell apart in her head.

"Since what, Liv?"

"Since I couldn't find you."

"I'm right here" he said, pushing further into her personal space.

"I'm sorry" she breathed out, tears springing to her eyes. She felt him grab her hand, squeezing it tightly.

"No, Liv. I'm sorry. I should have…" She just shook her head. "No, it was me. I refused to acknowledge or… I refused to come out the night you left because I was mad and angry and refusing to see that…"

"I know" he whispered. She could feel his breath on her face. "I didn't want to see it either, Liv. But then you are here and you are in that dress and you… you are all I can see." And it was done – the fighting, the pretending, the deflecting… it was over. She finished it by weaving her fingers into his hair, pulling his lips into hers. He wrapped his arms tightly around her waist, pouring everything he had thought and felt since left 6 months ago into that kiss. He ripped his lips off of hers, pressing kisses up and down her neck as she held on to him for dear life. Because he was her life. She could see that now. He was always going to break down her walls. It wasn't a matter of if, it was a matter of when.

He finally pulled back just enough to look at her. She smiled and wiped her finger across his mouth. "I think that color looks better on me than you." He waggled his eyebrows at her. "Probably, but you better believe I'm glad to be the reason you have to reapply your lipstick." She smiled widely at him.

"When do you have to go back to Albany?"

"I don't. I can have an office in Manhattan, now that the task force is up and running. I just… well, I've just been avoiding coming here."

"I'm sorry that…" but he quieted her with a light press of his lips to hers. "No. We are done apologizing, Liv. Done. I was an ass and you were a hot head and we know that about each other. Stubborn should be our middle names." She laughed. "Agreed." She raked her nails over the nape of his neck. "Come back, Rafael. Please. I miss you so much."

He glanced over his shoulder, spying a darkened corner. "Liv, you are going to get so sick of me with as much as I'm going to be around" he said, slowly walking her back to the wall.

"I doubt that is possible" she replied, pulling him flush against her body, moaning quietly into his mouth as he assaulted her lips once more.


	27. Straight Tequila Night

OK. CUtopia and I have been messaging on Tumblr about some things. Including freaking Cassidy. I decided to lean into it. If they are shoving him back at us, I'm going to make Brian Cassidy work for me and for Barson. This is Barson without the physical Barba. Enjoy. 

* * *

_**But don't ask her on a straight tequila night** _   
_**She'll start thinking about him, then she's ready to fight** _   
_**Blames her broken heart on every man in sight** _

_**-John Anderson (Straight Tequila Night)** _

* * *

Fin sighed, looking down into the mostly empty glass of beer. "Hell of a week" he muttered, seeing his drinking companion just nod from across the table. He was about to signal for another round when his phone started to vibrate on the table next to him. He was glad he had programmed that number into his phone so he knew to answer it.

"Yeah" he said, staring straight at his table mate for the moment. "Ok. Thanks for calling. I'm coming." He ended the call, standing up and dropping the phone into his pocket. "I've got to go. Liv is…"

"Let's go" he heard from across the table. They both dropped some cash and headed out the door.

* * *

"At least she comes some place she's known" Fin muttered, pulling open the door to Forlini's. He saw her, sitting across the room the end of the bar, staring at a small shot glass. Fin glanced over to see Anthony standing at the other end of the bar, closest to the door, waiting for him. He walked over.

"So, I guess my prayers of just a few glasses of wine tonight didn't get answered?"

Anthony shook his head. "Nope. She came in and demanded tequila. Straight." Fin groaned. "Thanks, Anthony. I got this." Fin started to take a step in her direction when he felt a hand on his shoulder. "Let me".

* * *

The tequila didn't do much to beat back her anger. She knew it wouldn't. She wanted to stay angry. And very drunk. And very angry. Nothing better for her than tequila to make that happen.

She knew Anthony was ignoring her. Something about needing to slow down. The glass of water sat untouched in front of her, the empty shot glass taunting her. She slid her eyes over to see where he was when her view was obstructed. She glanced up, rage washing over her.

"Get. Away. From. Me." She growled out as Cassidy sat down on the stool next to her.

"Anthony called."

"He sure as hell didn't call you!"

"He called Fin. I was with him."

"And you thought what?" she asked, running her finger over the top of the shot glass.

"Thought maybe you could use a friend."

She barked out a laugh. "And you think that's you?"

"I think maybe we could be. We were once upon a time, Liv." She just shook her head.

"What's going on, Liv?"

"Peter. Fucking. Stone. That ass… just cause his last name is Stone, I'm supposed to kiss the ring or whatever! And then he has the NERVE to…" Cassidy just sat there, staring at her. He knew she needed to say whatever was rattling around in her head. Regardless of his reputation, he was a good cop. Good at reading people. He had an inkling of what was simmering below the surface with her, what had been there for a very long time. He was wondering if she was finally drunk enough to say it.

"What, Liv? What did Stone say to you?"

"He said that he knew that me and…" she gulped, freezing for a moment… "Barba… that we did things a certain way and that he wasn't going to be my 'new' Barba or whatever bullshit that even means. That man. He could never be… he's half the man that… and for him to think that he could ever be…" If he hadn't been paying attention, he would have missed her wiping the lone tear off her face that had managed to fall.

She had been a ticking time bomb since he left for Albany a month ago. Cassidy didn't know exactly what had happened. No one did. What they all knew is that she shut down. She did her job, but the friendliness was waning. She was reverting into herself. He knew they had grown close. That they spent a lot of time together. That they were more than just colleagues. Stone arrived, Barba left and Liv was a ghost of herself. It didn't take a rocket scientist to put it all together.

"Have you talked to him?" Cassidy asked.

"Stone? Every damn day, even when I don't want to."

Cassidy shook his head. Apparently, Liv was still living in denial. "Liv. No. Barba. Have you talked to Barba?"

She finally met his eyes and he could see there. He could see it all. Fear. Exhaustion. Loss. Betrayal. Anger. And behind it all, love.

"He left. He just left. We fought and he left and why the hell would I bother talking to him?"

"Liv. Stop. Aren't you exhausted?"

"I don't know what the hell you are talking about, Cassidy, but I'm fine and…" He grabbed her arm, stilling her. "Stop it, Liv. Stop it. You know what I'm talking about. You know EXACTLY what I'm talking about. Do me a favor, ok? I'm not a moron and I know you. Just stop!"

He watched as the fight left her body. She turned back to her shot glass, yanking her arm out from under his hand. "He's gone. What does it matter now?" Cassidy just shook his head. Her walls were so high and so thick, it was going to take more than one drunken tequila night to make her see the light.

He stood up, resting his hand on the back of her stool. "Come on, Liv. Let me and Fin get you home. Where's Noah?"

"Spending the night with a friend. Even my baby doesn't need me anymore. No one does. Is it really that easy to just walk away from me, Brian?" She looked at him with fear and sadness written all over her face. He helped her up, shaking his head. "No, Liv. It's not. I promise you that." She just nodded, heading toward Fin at the door. The cab was waiting for them when they walked outside.

"I'm going to make sure she gets inside in one piece" Fin said, closing the door after she got into the cab. Cassidy nodded. "Yeah. This Barba thing really has messed her up, huh?"

"Not just her. I just got a call from Carmen. I guess she's in the process of pulling Barba out of a bottle of tequila too up there in Albany."

"These two" Cassidy said, looking at his old friend. Fin just nodded, walking around the cab and getting in on the other side.


	28. Love is the Right Place

Post ep to Contrapasso. I'm sorry, but if I'm supposed to buy that Barba has no idea what is going on with the whole Liv/Noah situation - well, lets just say I'm not. This is me, making that little point right. Plus I'm addressing the Rafa thing cause DAAAAAAMMMMMMNNNNN that was amazing on a whole different level. Like "squabbling with you" amazing.

* * *

_**Love breathes when your out of breath** _   
_**Love sits by the bedside when you're near to death** _   
_**Love still fells you when the feeling's gone** _

_**-Bryan White (Love Is The Right Place)** _

* * *

The quiet knock on his door broke him out of his work zone. His eyes were starting to swim from the words and motions and question trees, he was almost glad for the distraction. But all of those thoughts went out the window when he opened the door to Olivia and Noah, him looking confused in his PJs clutching his stuffed animal, her looking scared and on the verge of tears, a large duffel bag hanging off her shoulder.

He just watched her walk in and look around, clutching Noah to her. "I'm sorry. I didn't know where else… and I just couldn't stay in my apartment after… I should have called first but…" He held up his hands. "Liv, stop. Slow down." He watched her take in a deep breath. She dropped the bag off her shoulder. "Is there some place I can lay Noah down?" she asked. He nodded, directing them to his office/guest room. No bed, but Noah was more than happy to sleep on the large couch. He watched as Olivia pulled out books and a night light and went through the routine here in his home like she did it every night. Whatever had happened must have been stressful because the boy was out before she got through the first book.

He just trailed behind her, still not being real sure what she was doing here. She collapsed on his couch, dropping her head back against the back of his couch, closing her eyes.

"Wine or coffee?" She just shook her head. He sat down next to her. "Ok, now I'm officially worried. You need to start talking to me now, Liv."

"Trevor came to my office today."

"About Noah's investigation? That seems a little much."

She shook her head. "I wish. Now I wish that so much. No. Ellie lied to me all those years ago. Her mother is alive." He just sat there, staring at her. "She lives in New Hampshire and she hired a PI who found out about Noah. She's… she's petitioning to vacate the adoption and I just… then she showed up at my door tonight and I slammed the door in her face and just grabbed Noah and ran… here."

He breathed out hard, sitting up and resting his hand on her shoulder. "First, I'm going to your building tomorrow to shove my foot in your landlord's ass till he fixes the damn buzzer system." She smiled slightly at that. "Then I'm going to have a long talk with Langan about what his job actually is."

"Already done."

"Still, I feel like it needs to be reiterated. A lot. How in the hell did he miss this?" She just shook her head, tears falling down her face and he knew this wasn't the time. He knew she was scared and hurt and railing about Langan and her landlord wasn't what she needed now.

So, he wrapped his arm around her, pulling her into his chest, trying to take the weight off of her, even if just for a moment. He felt her relax into his side, burying her head into his shoulder.

"I should have called" she mumbled into his shirt.

"Never. If you need to be here, then you just be here."

"Thanks, Rafa."

"You slipped in front of the squad the other day" he said. She looked up at him, smiling slightly. "Think they noticed?"

He shrugged. "No clue, but you're lucky I'm a controlled man because they almost got a show." She pulled him down for a quick but bruising kiss. "I'll be more careful."

"That's becoming harder and harder to do, Liv. At least for me it is."

"Me too" she whispered, raking her fingers through his hair.

"So, maybe it's time to admit that this thing that's been going on since May is more than just a casual whatever?"

"Maybe you're right" she replied, throwing her legs over his lap. She smiled as he ran his hand up from her knee to her hip.

"Then maybe we can talk about you and Noah just being here, then. Cause I'm unlisted and I've got a guard dog of a door man."

"That sounds like heaven after Cassidy and then Ellie's mom just being at my front door." He smiled and kissed her lightly. He pulled back to look at her, squeezing her hip. "Liv, it will be over my cold dead body that anyone takes that boy away from you. Ever. If Langan can't hack it, then we will get Rita or someone else. That's your son." She wrapped her arms around his shoulders, pulling him in for a long, tight, needed hug.

"I'm exhausted" she whispered. He knew she was talking about more than just this one night, but he knew neither one of them were ready for a long talk or any big decisions. She just needed to feel safe and secure and his heart swelled knowing that she knew that place was here with him.

"So, sleep, breakfast and then we face tomorrow, whatever it brings." He stood up and offered her his hand. She grabbed it and let him pull her up off the couch and back toward his bedroom.

As he wrapped his arm around her waist after crawling into bed, she knew that whatever got thrown at her tomorrow, as long as she had him in her corner, she would always come out the winner.


	29. I Believe in a Thing Called Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Full Disclosure: this was written before the writers decided that Sheila needed to be a crazy bad guy. I prefer my Sheila. No reason Olivia and Sheila couldn't have peacefully co-existed. All they had to do was send her home, not to jail. That's all. Whatever. That storyline left a bad taste in my mouth for a number of reasons.

This is me, using Sheila Porter to my advantage. I choose to believe that they will make the relationship with Olivia and Sheila real and believable - not best friends, but not mortal enemies. Two women making the best of a screwed up situation to do what is in Noah's best interest. Plus, she totally ships Barson. Or she will. Plus times getting ready to change and we didn't have new ep this week (thanks baseball) and I needed some Barson in my life.

* * *

_**Just listen to the rhythm of my hart** _   
_**There's a chance we could make it now** _   
_**We'll be rocking 'til the sun goes down** _

_**-The Darkness (I Believe in a Thing Called Love)** _

* * *

She stood there, watching Olivia and the well-dressed, handsome man interact. The way they smiled at each other and seemed to be able to communicate without any words at all. The way his eyes seemed to soften as he looked at her when she wasn't looking. The way she ran her eyes all over his face when he wasn't looking at her. It warmed her heart, made her happy.

Finally, Olivia seemed to finish up and looked up at her, smiling slightly and giving her a wave over. He was packing up files when he looked at her.

"Sorry you had to come all the way down here. I can't believe I forgot to send that paperwork to school with Noah this morning."

"It's fine Olivia. It really was no problem." They had moved from enemies to being civil to each other. She smiled at the man as Olivia handed her the paperwork she needed for that day.

"Sorry, busy day. Sheila Porter, this is Rafael Barba." She shook his hand but she could tell he was immediately put on guard with her, assessing her. She appreciated that.

"Nice to meet you, Mr. Barba." He just nodded, looking at Liv. Without saying anything to her, he bid Olivia goodbye and was gone. Sheila couldn't help but watch him go.

She followed Olivia into her office. "Sorry about him. He can get…"

"Protective. I get it. My husband was the same way. It was one of the things that made me fall in love with him. His want to make just make sure nothing upset me. I can't blame him for being wary of me, Olivia. Really. It's fine. I'm glad you and Noah have someone like that, who wants to protect and care for you all. I'm happy that you have that, given your job and what you do every day." Sheila smiled at her, but the look on her face was one of shock and confusion.

"Wait. I'm sorry. Are you and Mr. Barba not…"

Olivia cleared her throat, looking down at her desk. "He's our ADA. We've worked together for almost 6 years now."

"Oh, gosh, Olivia. I'm sorry. Just the way you two are together and the way he looks at you and you look at him…"

Olivia pressed her lips together. "We get that a lot" she said quietly. "He's been there… for it all. He helped me with Johnny D and Noah. He got justice for Ellie. He's a great man and…" Olivia trailed off.

Sheila smiled. "Well, maybe that's something to consider then. I like to believe in love and I like seeing others happy. You deserve it, Olivia." Olivia just looked at the other woman, smiling at her. Sheila had to suppress the laughter of the flabbergasted woman in front of her at a loss for words.

"Well, I'm going to go. Let you get back to work." She wondered how long Olivia would stand there, frozen, after she left.

* * *

The early night was setting in as Olivia finished up her paperwork. A light tap on her doorframe let her know who was there before she even saw him. She looked up at him, standing there, leaning against the door. Sheila's words had been ringing through her head all day. He wanted to protect her. He looked at her in a way that made her feel cared for. Possibly loved. How she deserves happiness.

"So that was Sheila Porter? Did I miss the horns and pitchfork?"

Olivia laughed, pushing herself out the chair. "I may have been slightly dramatic in my initial description of her. We've established a civil existence for the time being. Tonight is the first night her and Noah are spending alone."

His eyebrows raised up. "And that makes you feel…

She leaned against the wall, facing him. Really looking at him. He was asking because he wanted her to be alright. He wanted her safe. He wanted her happy.

She smiled. "A little nervous. But we have rules and she has always respected them. He's been asking to spend some alone time with her. I have to trust that it will all be ok." He just nodded at her.

"Well, good then. I just wanted to check in before I…"

"Have dinner with me." It was more of a demand than a question and it had just fallen out of her mouth before she had a chance to really think about it. He looked at her with wide eyes and open mouth, looking shocked. She liked that she could surprise him but was a little hurt he seemed to taken aback by the request.

She took a step forward, resting her hands lightly on his shoulders. "She said some things to me earlier…" She immediately felt him tense up and she knew, in that moment, that Sheila was right. It gave her the confidence to keep going. "Relax, Rafael. She said that I deserve happiness."

"You do" he whispered.

"She said she could see that you want to protect me and to make that happen for me. That looking at us together, even just working alongside each other, makes her believe in love."

"That was nice of her to say."

"Is it true?" she asked, gripping his shoulders a little tighter. He wasn't looking at her. She had no idea what he was thinking.

"Yes. Every day. It's true every day." And then he finally met her eyes and she saw it all there. Everything that Sheila and Amanda and Melinda and even the couriers who went back and forth from her office to his probably saw on a daily basis.

She kissed him hard and fast. She started to pull back but he held on to her tightly, walking her till her back hit the wall and he trapped her there. Everything about kissing him felt right and true and she wanted to kick herself for waiting for so long to do it. They finally broke when the need to breathe became necessary. And they smiled at each other. Real, true, loving smiles.

He cleared his throat. "So… dinner?" She just nodded, feeling happy and free in that moment, wondering if Sheila's belief in love had finally pushed her here.


	30. Better Days

Post ep _Something Happened_. I mused on Tumblr earlier today that I feel like there is more to Benson and Barba after that ep. Not sure if it is intentional on the part of Mariska and Raul or if it just an organic thing because of their friendship, but the way Fin deferred to him to stop the interview and he said no, trusting her implicitly and making sure he was the last one she talked to before she went back in to the interrogation room just felt like there is more. This story is born of that head canon. Enjoy.

* * *

**_I wish everyone was loved tonight_ **   
**_And somehow stop this endless fight_ **   
**_Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days_ **

**_-Goo Goo Dolls (Better Days)_ **

* * *

"I'm taking you home." She glanced over her shoulder to see him, standing there, no tie, holding her coat and bag. She looked around the interrogation room, a place she had been a million times over the years, but it looked different to her in this moment. She pushed herself out of the chair, walking past him and everyone in the room who was left at that hour. She didn't look at anyone, just walked ahead, lost in her thoughts and in her own world.

He nodded to Fin and followed her, keeping a distance and not speaking. He watched her, tried his best to read her, just to make sure she was still in there after all of that. After Laurel had pushed every button and brought Olivia almost to her knees. They remained that way in the car to her apartment, in the elevator and through the front door. He knew she was moving on auto pilot.

"I need a shower" she said, to no one in particular. He stood there, watching her walk down the short hall. She glanced quickly at Noah's closed door but sighed, walking into the bedroom and closing the door. He sighed, hanging her bag and coat on the rack before walking over, collapsing on the couch next to his mother.

He rolled his head over to Lucia. "Thanks for stepping in, mom." Lucy had to leave early and he thought they would be home. He knew once we saw what was happening that he couldn't leave her. His mother was more than happy to spend the evening with Noah and he would be forever grateful for that.

She patted his knee, closing her book. "Raf, any time, you know that. Bad night?" He just nodded. "Maybe one of the worst. This one got under her skin."

"You were there?" He nodded. He wasn't sure he should or could give his mother any more details and, God bless her, she seemed to understand. She just nodded and pushed herself off the couch. He watched her gather her things.

Lucia smiled down at her son. "She feels so deeply, Rafael. You can just tell. You both want to save the world. Just make sure you two don't lose yourselves in the process." She leaned down, dropping a kiss on top of her son's head. "Noah went to bed a little late, but he went right to sleep. You need me tomorrow?" He just shook his head. "No, I'll handle it." She just nodded, moving toward the door. "Call me if you do. Love you, mijo." He could only watch her leave. He sat for a moment, in the silence of the apartment, listening to the water run as she showered. He pulled out his phone, tapping out an email to Dodds and McCoy. He was sure this would piss her off, but it needed to be done.

He pushed himself off the couch as he heard the water stop. He turned off the lights and slowly made his way to the bedroom. He opened to door to see her sitting on the bed, looking out the window, wrapped in her towel.

"I told Dodds and McCoy we weren't coming in tomorrow."

"Stop handling me" she threw over her shoulder. He sighed, rubbing his hand over his face.

"You want to be pissed at me, go ahead. I don't actually care. I let you do your job, over my burning need to pull you out of that interrogation room and the precinct. I trusted you tonight, Liv, and yeah – you got the job done. But you need a day. We both do after tonight."

"I'm fine" she growled at him, finally meeting his eyes. "And I need to be there for Laurel's arraignment. I have to…"

"No, you aren't and no you don't." Her eyes flared, but he didn't care. "I would be an awful partner if I just shrugged my shoulders and said ok to that. And so help me, Olivia Benson – if you ever shut us out of an interrogation again, I will have your ass. I told Fin to leave that little bit out of the report to Dodds and I will too, but you had no business doing that. Anything could have happened to you in there. Anything." She turned away from him, back to the window.

"And because of what time it was Laurel won't even be arraigned till the day after tomorrow. She will plead guilty and we will ask for the bare minimum time to run concurrent with mental health treatment. My intern can do that. I don't think you should be there, but I know I can't talk you out of it if you have already made up your mind." She didn't respond. She just stared out the window. He wasn't sure if she had even heard him.

He shook his head and moved around the room, grabbing his stuff for a shower. She was still sitting there, wrapped in a towel as he exited the bathroom. He grabbed her favorite shirt to sleep in and laid it next to her on the bed. He pressed a light kiss to her temple. "Try to get some sleep, ok?"

He started to move toward the door, but she grabbed his hand. Stopping him. She looked up at him, eyes bright with tears. "Where are you going?" she whispered.

"I was just going to sleep on the couch. Give you some space."

She shook her head. "Please. Don't. Please don't leave me alone." He rested his hand against her cheek and exhaled a sigh of relief as she leaned into his touch, closing her eyes.

"Never, Liv. Never. I just don't want to crowd you."

"I need you to stay" she replied, eyes still closed, tears falling into his palm.

He nodded. "Then I need you to get dressed" he replied, nodding at the t shirt.

"I thought your preference was me with no clothes" she said, smiling through her tears. The tightness that had been in his chest since he walked into the precinct loosened at her joke. Regardless of what she had been through tonight, his Olivia was still in there. He pulled her off the bed, taking her towel as she slipped on the shirt and then crawled into bed. He turned off the lights and climbed in next to her, relaxing for the first time in hours as she curled into him, resting her head on his chest and promptly falling asleep. He just laid there, running his fingers through her hair, feeling her even breathing against his chest.

* * *

He wasn't even sure what time it was when he awoke to her crawling on top of him, kissing her way up and down his neck. She breathed a long, slow _please_ into his ear and he knew that she needed his love and comfort. He had promised himself, right before he fell asleep, that he would give her as many good days as he could. She deserved that much. She deserved to be loved, to feel loved, to matter and he had known for years that she mattered to him in a way he never thought he would find. He gave her control, let her take the lead, gave her what she needed from him. He knew, in that moment, he always would, for the rest of his life.

* * *

He slipped out of bed as she slept, getting Noah out and to school. He stopped for breakfast on his way back. He set the bags down on the table and was making coffee when she came into the kitchen, hair still mussed from sleeping and the other activities of the night before, wearing the shirt he had on the day before and a pair of black leggings.

"Hi" she said quietly, biting her lip.

He motioned behind him as he filled the basin on the coffee pot. "I got food on my way back from dropping Noah at school." He felt her next to him and he turned as she wrapped her arms around his shoulders. Without her trademark heels on, she was able to rest her chin on his shoulder, one of her favorite things to do, he discovered soon after they crossed the line they had avoided for so long.

He held her close, enjoying the feel of her against him. "Thank you for last night" she whispered. He pulled back, tucking her hair behind her ear.

"Olivia, I am wildly, madly, stupidly in love with you. I will always be here for you. You never have to thank me for that. I should be thanking you for letting me be here with you and with Noah. You two have become my world."

"I don't deserve you, Rafa."

"You deserve whatever you want, Liv. I'm just glad one of those things you want is me." She pressed a kiss to his lips before moving to the bag of food. They ate in a comfortable silence.

"I'm not sure I have ever had a day off in the middle of the week when either me or Noah weren't sick. I have no idea what to do" she said, looking at him. He nodded, starting to gather up the food.

"Well, I say we get dressed and spend the day out. Let's get some Christmas shopping done. Let's go eat lunch at a tourist trap. Let's pick Noah up from school and skate at Rockefeller Plaza with the rest of the mob." As he talked, her smile grew wider and the sadness in her eyes started to disappear.

"That sounds like a much better day than anything I could come up with."

"Then hop to it, Lieutenant. We've got some presents to buy and lines to stand in." She quickly got dressed. He smirked as she came out ready for the day, still wearing his shirt. She just shrugged her shoulders, not giving him an explanation, not that he needed one. As they exited the building, she laced her fingers through his. Today would be a much better day. He mentally promised himself they all would be, if he had his way.


	31. O Holy Night

This idea has been knocking around in my head for a few weeks. Didn't know what to do with it and then we went to church yesterday and the worship band played my favorite Christmas song, O Holy Night, and it clicked. It also has the added bonus of being sung by Raul in 2015 I think at a Christmas Eve mass. I found the video on YouTube this morning.

* * *

_**A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices** _   
_**For yonder breaks a new glorious morn** _   
_**Fall on your knees** _   
_**O hear the angels' voices** _   
_**O night divine** _

_**-O Holy Night** _

* * *

She quietly closed the door to her apartment, the only light emanating from the small tree in the corner. It was late. Later than she planned, but then when had anything over the two months gone as planned. Not Cassidy and the investigation, not Sheila appearing out of thin air, not Noah being taken and returned a day later, having no idea why or who had taken him. She knew she would have to tell him one day, but now was not the time.

She looked at her small tree, the gifts underneath. She touched them lightly, wondering for a moment who had done this for her. They had been sitting in her closet for a month. No time to wrap, not when the world kept throwing curve balls at her. Christmas was in a week and she had planned to just shove all of Noah's stuff in gift bags. The lazy way out. She would have to thank Lucy later. But then she remembered…

_"_ _You need to stay here till this is done, Liv. Let me go." She looked over at him, sitting on her couch. Lucy had the flu. A pretty awful version of it that kept her from getting out of bed. Olivia had just hung up the phone, trying to figure out what to do, how to get Noah from school when she had to stay here in the office._

_"_ _Barba, I can't…"_

_He held up his hand. "You aren't asking. I'm offering. You have to stay here and I'm spinning my wheels till Fin gets that guy to break. Let me go get him. Unless you don't trust…" She shook her head. Vehemently. Since Noah had come back, she had been hard to trust anyone to be alone with him. No one blamed her. It was just the nature of the situation. It took a week before Lucy basically pushed her out the door one morning so she could take Noah to school instead. There was this nagging fear in the back of her mind. It would probably be there forever. If she didn't have her eyes on him, he would disappear again. It was silly and she tried to beat it back, but it was there._

_She pushed her glasses up into her hair. "Of course, I trust you." He smiled at her, nodding, standing up and putting on his suit jacket and overcoat. "Good, because I'm bored. Call the school and let them know I'm coming." She just nodded picking up her phone. It occurred to her after he left that she had never told him what school. But he knew. There was a picture about an hour later of the two of them in his favorite coffee shop, whipped cream on Noah's nose from a hot chocolate._

Lucy hadn't been here today and those weren't wrapped when they left this morning. She stood in the middle of her living room, just being. Normally there was noise from Noah or the television or her neighbors, but tonight, at this hour, there was quiet.

She slowly made her way through her home, looking into Noah's room and not seeing anyone there. She saw a dim light from her room and pushed it open, and the sight about took her knees out from underneath her.

There, under her covers, was Noah. But on top of the covers, in just his dress pants and shirt, was Rafael Barba. Both, asleep. Only the light from the lamp on her dresser lighting the room. She stared at them, at him with her son, and the images she started seeing in her mind were fast and furious and more intense than she had ever experienced. Seeing him, there, asleep under the covers, with no shirt on, her pressed up against him. His clothes hanging next to hers in the closet. The three of them making breakfast together. The two of them wrapping future Christmas gifts together in the quiet of the apartment, letting one thing lead to another until they were wrapped up together on the couch, gifts forgotten in their wake.

She watched his eyes slowly open as she continued to stare at him. He smiled and she wanted to cry at the slow and easy way he made his way off her bed, as not to wake up Noah. She was frozen in her doorway, unsure what to do with the thoughts and the feelings and the images that were engulfing her mind. He tiptoed his way across her small bedroom, pausing in front of her, leaning his head to one side and giving her a slight smile. She stepped back, pulling her door shut.

"Sorry about that, Liv. Noah convinced me that…" He trailed off as she ran her hand down his arm, lacing their fingers together. She pulled slightly and he followed her out to the living room. She stopped, turning toward the tree.

"You wrapped the gifts?" she asked quietly.

She felt him squeeze her hand. "Yeah, I saw the bag and the wrapping paper and I just knew you had been so overwhelmed that I wanted to…" What he wanted to tell her after that didn't matter as she swung back around, lacing her free hand into his hair and yanking his lips to hers. He ripped his hand out of hers, wrapping his arms around her waist as she held on to him like he was the only thing holding her to the ground. Tongues dueling, fingers grasping at shirt material, soft moans coming from both of them. When the need for air finally became a necessity, she pulled back, resting her forehead against his.

"Thank you" she sighed out, closing her eyes as he pulled her tighter against his body.

"I like the way you say thank you" he replied, eliciting a small laugh from her.

"And I like the sight of you in my bed. Maybe next time we could try it with me instead of Noah and less clothing." She pulled back to look at him, biting her lip as she watched his eyes darken with desire.

They stood there, together, in the silence, for a moment. He pressed a light kiss to her cheek. "I should go." She nodded, knowing she didn't want to let him leave but that he probably should. She watched him slip on his jacket and shoes.

"Wait" she said, moving toward him. He immediately opened his arms to her as she pressed his lips to his again. He slowly ended the kiss, tucking her hair behind her ear.

"I want to take you and Noah to dinner on Christmas Eve."

She nodded. "We would love that, Rafa." With one last bruising kiss, he bid her goodnight and she shut the door as she left, resting her forehead against it, being grateful for this holy night she had been blessed with after all the crap she and Noah had been through.


	32. Fine By Me

Post Ep Gone Baby Gone. Cause that final scene with him at the door. Actually every time they interacted. I may HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE how it all ended with Sheila (and I hate it. A lot. If you are curious about my thoughts, I'm khughes830 on Tumblr. An anon asked me about it and I wrote a short novel about it all), but all the Barson interactions throughout were amazing.

* * *

_**And it seems that every time** _   
_**We're eye to eye** _   
_**I can find another piece of you** _   
_**That I don't wanna lose** _   
_**And I'm staring at you now** _   
_**There's no one else around** _   
_**I'm thinking you're the girl I need** _   
_**I'm just saying it's fine by me** _   
_**If you never leave** _   
_**-Andy Grammer (Fine By Me)** _

* * *

She closed the door, leaning her forehead against it, breathing in and out. She was glad they had all come over. She needed that. She needed to know there were people in her corner. She even found herself honestly laughing when Fin told her about Dodds visit to the office and him calling Dodds a dick under his breath. Noah and Jesse had sacked out hard and the sight of Barba carrying her son into his room took her breath away.

She rolled her head around, looking at his coat still hanging by her door. She listened for a moment, wondering if he too was going to leave. But he wasn't there. She could hear water running and she pushed off the door, moving around into the living room to see him standing at her sink, doing dishes.

"Why does Carisi have to use more than one cup? He was here, what… two hours?" She smiled at his form, running her eyes over him as he scrubbed and rinsed her glasses and plates and utensils.

"You don't have to do that" she said, leaning her arms on the counter, just being in the moment, loving the sight of him, sleeves pushed up, suds on his hands.

"It's fine, Liv. I really don't mind. But you are making me feel like a piece of meat, just standing there, staring at me." She laughed and shrugged. "That sounds like a you problem, Rafa." He glanced at her over his shoulder, smiling and nodding.

He quickly finished, drying his hands on her towel, turning around and leaning back against the sink. He crossed his arms, leaning his head to the side. "Should I go?" he asked quietly. She shook her head no. She didn't want to be alone. She was tired of feeling alone. She thought for a while that her and Sheila could find a peaceful existence. Being alone right now would cause her brain to work overtime and she was not in the mood for that. But more importantly, she quickly realized, was that she didn't want HIM to leave.

"Can I make us some coffee?" She wasn't sure why that was her breaking point, but the memory of him in her office a little over a day ago, offering her coffee when he didn't know what else to do made her laugh. Hysterically. Till she had to rest her head on the counter because laughing was all she could do in that moment. She finally was able to calm herself, wiping the tears off her face, pushing herself up to gather her breathe. He stood there, unmoved, glaring at her.

"It was the thought that counts" she said, finally pulling a smile onto his face. "And yes, coffee would be amazing." But her laughter quickly died as she watched him move around her kitchen like it was second nature. She didn't have to direct him at all. He just knew. Sure. This wasn't the first time she had willed him to knock on her door and have it happen. But she was just now realizing that he was there. Always there. She COULD have a family, like he had said in her office. He had dropped everything the moment he heard. He didn't leave.

She watched him with wide eyes, making her coffee exactly how she liked it, in her favorite mug and walking it over to her, leaning his hip against the bar. His presence right there suddenly had a very different effect on her. One that made her sway into him slightly. Without her shoes on, he had a slight height advantage on her. He smiled, taking a sip of his coffee and placing it on the counter, next to her untouched cup.

"Noah is going to be fine" he said.

"I know" she replied.

"You are going to be fine. You just need to grant yourself some time, Liv. Time to breathe and get back to normal. Soon you won't scary nice women at the fruit stand for thinking your kid is cute."

"Thank you for being here."

"There is nowhere else I could have imagined being tonight, Liv. None."

She ran her eyes over his face. His handsome, honest, amazing face. That face that she knew she could always trust and always count on. She found herself basically throwing herself into him, wrapping her arms tightly around his shoulders, burying her head in his shoulder as he wrapped his arms around her waist. She breathed him in and felt her center start to form again. It had disappeared the moment she answered that call from Sheila.

"I can't prosecute the case, Liv, as much as I want to. But I promise you that I will stay on top of it." She pulled back slightly, just enough to look at him. She bit her lip, tightening her arms around him just a hair. Enough for him to notice as he did the same to her.

"I never doubted you for a second, Rafa." They both stood there, frozen, staring at each other. "Liv" he whispered, not being able to utter any other words. She watched his eyes dart from her eyes to her lips and then right back again and she was done. She ran her hand up into his hair and yanked him forward, unceremoniously smashing her lips to his.

He didn't miss a beat, though. Why she thought he would, she would never be able to answer. He quickly turned her, pressing her between the counter and his body, toe to lips. The feel of him against her, mouth moving deliciously over hers, hands holding her gently, but firmly – she knew in that moment that he would never leave. She wouldn't let him.

He finally broke from her, just slightly, resting his forehead against hers. He opened his mouth to speak and she pinched him slightly.

"I swear, if you are about to apologize I may have to pistol whip you." The rumble of his laugh against her chest felt like home.

He pulled back a little further, tucking her hair behind her ear. "Well, I definitely don't want that."

She nodded resolutely. "Good. Cause that was the first of what I'm hoping are many, many, many kisses. Like millions of kisses that we will share. Got it?" He nodded, smirking at her. "Got it" he growled out, pressing a bruising kiss to her lips.

"Now what?" he asked.

"Stay."

"Yeah. For how long?"

"Not sure. You ok with that?"

"Absolutely."

It was the next morning before he left. They talked and kissed and talked and eventually fell asleep on her couch, wrapped up in each other, her head resting on his shoulder, his arm wrapped around her waist, soft hand resting on the small of her back under her shirt. He stayed through her panic attack about whether or not to send Noah to school. He promised to return as soon as he could after work, telling her to take the day with her son, to try to find her footing again. And he was back that night, just him, with homemade lasagna, courtesy of Lucia and a very lengthy promise from her that if Olivia ever needed some help, she would gladly submit to a background check and lie detector test to ease Olivia's mind. He stayed that night, in her bed with her instead of the couch. And the next night. And the night after that. Until they all agreed, as a family, with a ring in a box and legal papers on the table, that none of them should ever leave. And that was fine by her.


	33. Break On Me

A bit of a post-ep drabble to Pathological, courtesy of my Tumblr friend motherbearof3 with her HEY HERE'S AN AMAZING KEITH URBAN SONG YOU NEED TO TURN INTO A BARSON STORY! Or something like that.

* * *

_**Shatter like glass** _   
_**Come apart in my hands** _   
_**Take as long as it takes** _

_**-Keith Urban (Break On Me)** _

* * *

"I don't know". He shook his head, looking away from her, dropping his head down. She lost her words. All she could do was stare at him. This man who had been there for her the last few weeks. This man who had dropped everything that day and stayed with her, even though there was nothing he could do. But he stayed. When she broke, he was there to catch her in his hands.

And there he sat, not five feet away from her, in danger of breaking himself. It had been a long time since she had watched a case take a toll on him like this one had. There were no winners. Everyone was a loser here. Regardless of the outcome, no one would feel vindicated. She knew that much. But this was one weighing him down. It was causing his heart pain. She hated that. She wanted to take it away, like he had tried to do for her just a short few weeks ago.

She walked up behind him, wrapping her arms around his shoulders, pressing her cheek against his temple, trying to physically take the hurt away from him. To help him not to break in this moment.

"Liv…" he whispered, leaning back into her as much as he could still sitting there.

"Rafa, no. Just…. Shhhh… it's ok." She felt him start to relax. To start to let go just a little bit.

He rested his hands on her forearms, squeezing them gently, pulling her around him as he swiveled in the chair. He grasped her hands lightly as she moved to stand between his legs. He smiled slightly as he stood up, turning to rest his back against the counter, pulling her back into him. She wrapped her arms around his shoulders again and felt him sigh as he looped his arms around her waist, pressing their cheeks together. She lost track of how long they stood there, wrapped up in each other, helping each other to put themselves together again. Soon they were exhausted, but neither wanted to leave each other. Which how they found themselves waking up on the couch, still wrapped up in each other, as the sun started to rise the next day. The smiles they shared with each other in the early morning told them that they had helped each other heal, even just a little bit, and for now, that's what they needed.


	34. And Oh I Love You so

OK. So those who aren't familiar - I pulled this one out of a book I got my little ones for Christmas by Sandra Boynton called Hog Wild. It's original music and lyrics sung by the likes of Kristen Bell and Patrick Wilson and Samuel L. Jackson. This one is sung by our main man, Raul Esparza and Madelene Lodge. The album is available in Prime Music if you have little ones too. Or just want to listen to Raul sing. Plus, the snow is driving me crazy. Thank goodness my older kids finally went back to school today after 5 long days. It has finally stopped snowing for the moment. Thanks for reading.

* * *

_**I don't care about any old weather** _   
_**As long as we spend** _   
_**Some time together** _   
_**It's the way you think** _   
_**And the way you are** _   
_**-Sandra Boynton (And Oh I Love You So)** _

* * *

Winter had taken its grip on the city. The snow had started to fall, just like the temperatures, and it wasn't planning to stop any time soon. Everyone was trying to keep themselves entertained, from going stir crazy trapped inside.

He could see it happening in front of his eyes. In the weeks since the Sheila debacle, he found himself drawn here, to their home. What had started as a couple of work-ish related visits had turned into every night after work and usually on the weekends too. One night he didn't come over, thinking maybe they were tired of him, but that lead to a very irate Noah Benson on his mother's phone yelling at him for not visiting him that day. He swore he would never make that mistake again.

It was cold and snowy and dark, but he could tell they were tiring of this apartment. He leaned his head on his fist, watching Olivia negotiate with Noah about toys to play with or books to read. He wanted none of it.

"Noah, we haven't played Candy Land in a few days. How about we do that?"

"I'm BOOOOOOORRRRRREEEEEEDDDDDDDDD!" He bit his lip, trying to keep from laughing at the way the boy took dramatic to a whole new level. Rafael just watched him walk over to the window and roll his eyes at the falling snow.

"I want to go to school tomorrow!" Noah yelled at the window.

"You and me both" Olivia mumbled under her breath, looking at her phone. Noah started marching in circles around the couch as he watched Olivia try to ignore noise, scrolling on her phone.

"THANK THE BABY JESUS!" she yelled, raising her phone in the air. "Go brush your teeth, Noah. You have school tomorrow!" Rafael just laughed as the boy, who normally fought bed time tooth and nail, ran off excitedly.

He pushed himself off the couch, grabbing some of the toys that were at his feet.

"Happy?"

"You have no idea, Rafa. If the heat wasn't fixed tomorrow, I was going to buy every space heater I could find in the five boroughs and donate them to the school." He nodded, returning her smile as they cleaned up.

She stopped for a moment. "That doesn't make me a bad mom, does it?"

He laughed, shaking his head. "I think it makes you an honest mom who desperately needs her kid to get the hell out of the house."

Noah flew back into the living room, dressed in PJ's. "Rafa, you're sitting in my bed tonight, right?" He just nodded. "Of course." They quickly went through the bed time routine and soon, Noah was asleep and they could take a moment to enjoy the silence.

Olivia walked back out to the living room, looking around. "I have too many toys."

He laughed, grabbing his phone off the counter. "Pack some up. I'll take them to my place."

She whipped around, staring at him. "What?"

He glanced up at her, shrugging. "Why not? Give you all a change of scenery if you want." He noticed an all office email from McCoy and he started skimming it, not seeing at her staring at him, with wide eyes.

"Seriously? You would be ok with unleashing Hurricane Noah in your pristine apartment?"

He smiled, still skimming the email, starting to formulate a response in his head. "Sure" he said, only half paying attention to her now facing him, arms crossed.

"Why?"

"I love you both, so what's the big deal?" he replied off handed, wondering just how big of a moron Harrison was and if he could get away with…

Suddenly, he froze, his brain connecting with the words that had just fallen out of his mouth. Holy crap. He just stared at his phone, praying that maybe there was a chance he had just thought those words and not actually said them out loud.

"Rafa?" she said quietly, suddenly much closer to him than she had been. He slowly rolled his eyes up to see her standing right in front of him, eyes wide, arms hanging at her side.

"What did you just say?" she asked.

"I'm sorry" he quickly replied. She took half a step back, like she was steeling herself for something terrible.

"NO" he said loudly, throwing his phone on the couch. "No, Liv… I didn't…"

"You didn't mean…."

He held up his hand. "Just. OK. Just wait. Hold on just one second." She stopped. He ran his hands over his face, taking a deep breath. He let it out slowly, looking at her. Shock on face, mixed with… a maybe? A hopefully? He took that as a good sign.

"I didn't mean to say it… like that. Like it was an afterthought. Like it didn't matter. Cause it does?"

"How did you mean to say it then?" she asked quietly, dropping the toys she held in her hands. He squared his shoulders, taking a few steps toward her. He cradled her face in his hands, kissing her thoroughly. He let go of the little bit of fear left when she wrapped her arms around his waist, pulling him flush against her. After a few moments, he pulled back, resting his forehead against hers, eyes closed.

"Like that" he whispered. She leaned back, looking at him, her eyes twinkling and a large smile on her face.

"That's a really good way."

He returned her smile. "How about we take this party to my place tomorrow night, then?"

"Sounds good to me. I think we all need a break from this apartment." He nodded. "Oh, and Rafa? Just know. We love you too." And she pulled him back in for another kiss, leaving the cold and the snow and the dark outside.


	35. No Surprise

You all, this one about made me cry. I've never actually mourned the loss of a character before and I haven't even watched it as of the publishing of this chapter. I might be a hot mess when I get to it this afternoon. So for me, Barba totally took precautions in case he was found guilty. This and then listening to this song while I drove around yesterday. The line " _ **you and I will be a tough act to follow**_ " to me screams Barson like nobody's business. I've legit got three different documents going right now. Keep Barson alive friends. I have faith we will get a second act to them.

* * *

_**It's no surprise I won't be here tomorrow** _   
_**I can't believe that I stayed till today** _   
_**Yeah you and I will be a tough act to follow** _   
_**But I know in time we'll find this was no surprise** _

_**-Daughtry (No Surprise)** _

* * *

She just stared at Hogan Place from the sidewalk. It was freezing. She was getting dirty looks and under breath remarks from people who had to walk around her. She didn't care. She wanted to scream at them – did they not understand that walking into that building this morning felt like an ultimate betrayal of him? That she should be sitting out here in protest, railing to McCoy and Stone and any ADA that walked out of the building that they forced out the greatest man that would ever work in that building?

"Liv" Fin said quietly beside her. "Liv, I can do this one by myself if you want."

She had avoided the place as best she could for almost two weeks. Those steps where so many things had transpired between them. The first place she saw him do his Barba thing after saving Jocelyn and the last place she saw him as tears ran down his face as he walked away from this life. She couldn't stomach the place. She had managed to send Fin and Carisi and Rollins and even once Carmen brought her the paperwork she needed. They had shared a commiserating look and some tears that day. But Dodds had all but commanded her to go there today and deal with Peter Stone face to face. She bit her tongue to keep from telling him to shove it up his ass. The retirement papers had been sitting in her desk for a week and she almost dropped them off this morning in lieu of facing Peter Stone.

She squared her shoulders. This was probably a giant mistake. "It's OK, Fin. Let's go."

* * *

It wasn't a giant mistake. It was a mistake of colossal proportions. He hadn't even moved the desk. Walking in to that office, seeing it all set up like normal but instead of Barba's compassionate, humorous green eyes, she was stuck with the judgmental hazel eyes of Peter Stone. She couldn't breathe.

"Lieutenant Benson, I know you are used to having things done a certain way and I'm just trying to catch up here, but you need to understand that…"

"I don't understand shit" she whispered under her breath. She felt Fin grab her arm. "Go get some air, Liv. I'll handle this." She just nodded.

"You can't keep avoiding me, Lieutenant. We've got to work together!" Stone yelled after her as she walked out of the office. She threw the door closed and collapsed into one of the visitors' chairs in front of Carmen's empty desk.

"I struggle to go in there to. I keep asking him if he wants me to get janitorial up here to move stuff around but he keeps telling me there's more important things to do than redecorate his office right now" Carmen said from behind her. Liv turned and watched the younger woman walked around to behind her desk.

"If I knew where he was, I would have followed him" Carmen said, shaking her head.

"Me too" Liv whispered, leaning back and closing her eyes. She heard Carmen rooting around in her desk. "I found this when I was cleaning up some stuff last week. It was buried in the bottom of this drawer I never get in." Olivia opened her eyes to see her holding out an envelope to her. She grabbed it and stopped breathing when she saw her name written in his handwriting.

Olivia ripped it open, being hopeful and scared all at the same time.

_Liv,_

_The truth is I never intended to be here that long. This was a stopping point. A favor to Steve Harris. A rung in my ladder. But then there was you. I hope I managed to find some beautiful, graceful words. You deserve that much if we managed to say goodbye without me in handcuffs behind bars. The fact that I managed the last 5 years here is a testament to you – to your faith and your belief and your beautiful mind. If I managed to get out of this, then know me leaving has everything to do with me and nothing to do with you. You are the greatest surprise of my life. I will never find anyone like you again in my life – professionally or personally. I'm not sure when I will be back. I've got some work to do on me. But once I am who I want to be, I will do my best to get back to you. And if you are still there, then know that will mean the world to me. But live your life. Be the greatest mom in the world. Be the most amazing officer NYPD will ever see. Be someone Peter Stone is afraid to screw with. Be you._

_Yours forever,_

_Rafa_

She didn't care about the tears running down her face.

"Yeah" Carmen muttered, tears in her eyes too. "He left me one too. Basically, begging me not to leave so that I'm here for you all for a while. I'm going to assume yours was a little more personal than that." Olivia could only nod, words eluding her.

"Lieutenant Benson, for what it's worth, that man loves you something fierce. He has for a long time. Maybe I should have said something weeks ago. Maybe this could have been avoided if I had. But whatever he wrote you he meant."

Olivia nodded, staring at the letter in her hands, knowing that it would be no surprise that this was something she would treasure while he was gone and something she would respond to the moment he allowed her. There would be a second act for them. She knew this wasn't the end.


	36. Every Little Kiss

This song is probably one of my favorites ever. I've been sitting on it, waiting for a great Barson moment to use it for. Now I'm like WTF was I even waiting for? There are no more Barson moments for the foreseeable future and I'm incredibly sad about that. Like more sad than I have ever been over a TV show. I hope Raul understands just how loved Barba (and he) are by the SVU fans.

* * *

_**Well what would I do without the nights** _   
_**And the phone** _   
_**And the chance just to talk to you** _   
_**A thousand miles away** _   
_**What I wouldn't give for only one night** _   
_**A little relief in sight** _   
_**Or someday when times weren't so tight** _

_**-Bruce Hornsby and the Range (Every Little Kiss)** _

* * *

The phone had rung a lot less in the last 6 weeks. She hadn't realized how much of her phone time was spent with Rafael Barba till it wasn't anymore. She had tried to call the number once, only to hear "this number has been disconnected". She's not proud of the ugly cry she had that night.

She also didn't answer numbers she didn't know. They could leave a message or not, but she wouldn't answer. That policy had paid off the night Peter Stone called her during dinner. She was glad for the time to compose herself lest she teach Noah a whole host of cuss words.

So why, when her phone rang as she crawled into bed from a number she didn't know, she answered it she would never know. She had every intention of hitting the decline button but instead she hit the answer button.

"Hello?" There was silence. She should have just hung up. Never say hello twice. "Hello?"

"Please don't hate me." That voice. It caused her breathing to stop. Rafael. It has been 6 weeks and he's worried that she hates.

"You hate me" he muttered on the other end of the phone.

"Never" she breathed out.

They sat there in silence. Both being unsure what to say.

"Where are you?" she asked.

"San Diego."

"Visiting Amaro?" And why that caused them both to laugh hysterically, they would never know. And they talked. About nothing of substance. Neither one of them wanted that. The call ended with a promise that this wasn't a one off. She would take what he could give right now.

* * *

He smiled, picking his phone up off the table, seeing her name. "Good evening."

"Peter Stone is a dick."

He laughed. "Had a good day, did you?"

"Peter Stone is a royal dick."

"Tell me."

And for the first time in almost 10 weeks, she bounced work off of him. And he talked he through some things. Tried to make her understand.

"I mean, I guess I kind of get it, Rafa. But Peter Stone is still a dick."

"Agreed."

"Where are you now?"

"Miami."

She collapsed into her bed, trying to let the day roll off her shoulders. "Tell me about Miami."

* * *

"Where are you?" she asked, settling in on the couch with her wine.

"Starbucks."

"You feeling ok?"

"Yeah. I needed really good Wi-Fi. But why do people stand in line for this stuff?"

"Focus, Rafa. Why did you need good Wi-Fi?"

"Dworkin called. Sent me an email. A publisher reached out to him. They want me to write a book."

"About what?"

"That hurts, Olivia. I have things to say. Lots of things to say."

"I remember."

"I'm taking that as a compliment and moving on."

"Probably a good idea. So, a book?"

"Yeah. I guess after… everything… there is interest in knowing more about me and the law and the decisions I made. What do you think?"

And for the next hour they talked through the pros and cons of writing a book, what it would be like, is that something he thought he could really do?

* * *

"Where are you?"

"Havana. You should see this place, Liv."

"Please tell me you got there legally. I know how breaking the law is your thing now." He was silent on the other end of the phone.

"Too soon?"

"Yeah, Liv. Too soon."

* * *

"I was just about to call you."

He paused, listening to the tussle on the other end of the line. "Wait… would you just wait… can you at least sit down and… DO NOT PULL THE PHONE OUT OF MY HAND YOUNG MAN!... Noah!..."

"Rafa?"

Hearing the boy's voice after all these months brought tears to his eyes. He missed his energy and spunk and mind.

"Hi Noah!"

"Rafa! I told mom I wanted to call you and she said you might be busy so I took her phone and found your number while she was in the bathroom and when are you coming home from your trip?"

"I'm not sure, buddy, but you shouldn't take your mom's phone without asking."

"I've missed you."

He bit his lip. "Buddy, I've missed you too."

"Swear?"

"Swear."

"Then come home. My baseball team starts playing soon and I want you to watch me. I'm playing second base. No. Mom. Wait… can I finish…" Barba heard another slight tussle and then Olivia was on the phone.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. I do miss him too Liv. I'm sorry you are having to make excuses for me."

"Rafa, it's fine. I told him you needed to take some time away. I thought he understood." Barba laughed, knowing she was glaring at the 5-year-old standing next to her. He could close his eyes and see the scene as if he was standing there.

"I'm going to send him something for his birthday. How do you feel about a giant bag of chocolate covered coffee beans for him?"

"Don't you dare."

* * *

Her phone had been ringing more and more over the months. A few times a month turned into a few times a week turned into at least once a day. Always calls. No texts. No pictures. Just his voice. She didn't care. If all he could give her moving forward was his voice, she would be ok with that. He had been gone for 8 months. Writing his book. Giving lectures around the country. Advising on legal cases when his friends needed him. Thank God for google alerts. The spring turned into summer turned into fall and the calls had been her lifeline some days. He was there as much as he could be. After everything, he deserved a life on his terms.

Her heart beat double time when she saw his name on her screen, like it always did when he called.

"Busy?" he asked.

"Extremely."

"Well, too bad."

"Where are you?"

"Elevator."

"That explains the echo. How's the book?"

"Done. Delivered this morning."

"Rafa, that's amazing. I can't wait to read it."

"Is Noah home?"

"No, there was a birthday party with the baseball team and a sleepover."

"And you let him go?"

"Yeah, I think I scare a lot of the parents with my badge. They all tend to take pretty good care of him."

"I'm proud of you, Liv."

"Thanks."

"So you want to read the book?"

"Yes I do. Email it to me."

"I'll do you one better" he replied as she heard a knock on her door echoed through the phone. She froze.

"Rafa" she whispered.

"Answer the door, Olivia." She flew off the couch and took a steadying breath as she grasped the door handle. There he stood, on the other side, phone still pressed to his ear. Jeans and a polo and unkempt hair and a slight beard, looking like heaven and home. He smiled at her.

"Hi" he said. She couldn't move. She was struggling to process all of this. She could only watch as he disconnected his phone, dropped it into his jeans pocket and reached over to grab hers that was still pressed to her ear. The contact of his fingers on her hand broke her out of her frozen state. She threw the phone behind her, not caring where it landed, and threw her arms around him, pulling him as tightly to her as she could.

"I've missed you" she whispered to him.

"I've missed you more than you could possibly comprehend, Liv."

She pulled back to look at his face. It was him, but a more relaxed version of him. He seemed at peace with himself. She couldn't remember when the last time she had seen him that way.

"Are you back?"

"Depends on how this next thing goes over." And with that, he pressed his lips to hers. She was done. She kicked the door closed, molding herself to him. Lips moving over each other, tongues dueling, hands moving in every direction. They broke for air, barely pulling apart.

"Stay" she said, running her fingers through his hair.

"I think I just might."


	37. Have a Little Faith in Me

This is in the same universe as the No Surprise chapter. Cause every song is hitting me in the Barson feels right now.

* * *

_**I've been loving you for such a long, long time** _   
_**Expecting nothing in return** _   
_**Just for you to have a little faith in me** _   
_**You see time, time is our friend** _   
_**'cause for us there is no end** _   
_**All you gotta do is have a little faith** _

_**-Mandy Moore (Have a Little Faith in Me)** _

* * *

He sat, looking out the window of the rented apartment, just staring. Thinking. What else did he have to do?

The first few weeks alone had been rough. Between the bouts of anger and sadness, he spent a lot of time drinking. The phone had rung for a few days but then people must have gotten the message.

But it became too much loneliness. He discovered that being alone with his thoughts was a really bad thing. So, he made one phone call.

He sighed as a hand ran across his shoulders and she sat down across from him. Those eyes that forgave him. Those eyes that always loved him.

"You want some coffee?" he asked.

"I'll get some in a minute, mijo" Lucia replied. She had been surprised to get the call. They had a bad fight when he told her what he had done. She felt guilty, now, that she stayed away from the trial. She cried for hours when she found out he had been found not guilty. She thanked God for not taking her son away from her. But then he fell off the planet. No calls. No texts. No emails. Until yesterday morning, when he called, asking her to come stay with him. She dropped everything and flew to him late last night.

He sighed, leaning back in his chair. "You sleep alright, mom?"

"It was quiet. Must take some getting used to." He just nodded, looking out the window. "But yeah, I slept fine. Are you hungry? I can make some food." In just eight weeks, she could see that her son had lost some weight. Tired eyes, a half smile, slumped shoulders. She can't remember a time when she had seen him like this. Like the world had beaten him.

"Maybe later. I hope me leaving didn't cause you too much problem, mom." The press coverage had been relentless. He knew leaving without telling anyone probably made life worse for his mother, Dworkin… and her. He knew the New York press. If they couldn't find him, they would find those who knew him.

"It's fine. I told you, a lovely officer came and helped me out one day and that was the end of that."

"I'm sorry mom."

"I know, Rafi. I know." She sighed, pushing herself out of the chair and walking over to where she had put her purse down last night. He watched her pull out a small white envelope. She walked back over to him and sat down, placing the envelope in front of him. He paused when he saw his name written in her handwriting.

"How…" he whispered.

Lucia sighed. "Look. It wasn't just some random officer. The press was sitting outside school the day after the verdict. You were gone and… I just didn't know what to do. I called the precinct and… Olivia came out. I thought she would just send someone. But she came herself. Threatened everyone and their mom about what would happen if they ever set foot on school property again. I thanked her with lunch. It has become a regular thing. Wednesday lunches with Olivia. Sunday brunch with Olivia and Noah."

He was frozen. Shocked. "How is she?"

Lucia shrugged, looking out the window. "She's ok. She's pouring herself into work and Noah. I asked her about a personal life and she shut me down." He felt happy and sad all at the same time.

"She misses you, Rafa." He opened his mouth but she held up her hand. "No. She hasn't said anything. I tried to talk about you once but she shut down. You are the elephant in the room we never speak of. But I know she misses you."

She motioned to the envelope. "I told her I was going to be seeing you a couple of weeks ago. She brought me this the last time we had lunch. She never asked me where you were. She just asked me to deliver this." She slid it closer to him. "I'm going to take a shower then you are eating something and we are getting out of this place today. Understood?" She didn't wait for his reply. She got out of her chair, leaving him alone with a piece of Olivia Benson.

He stared at it for a minute, so scared of what was in there, what she was thinking and feeling. When it became too much, he ripped the envelope open.

_Rafa,_

_I miss you._

_I wanted to get that out of the way. I miss you every day and in ways I couldn't even admit to myself till you were gone. I hope you are finding the peace and healing that you need. Carmen gave me your letter. You have always been the greatest man I have ever known. My faith in you is unwavering. I hope you can find your faith in yourself again. Because the truth is, you have to come back. Not to the job. I don't ever want you to do that again, honestly. You are so much more than the law now. You deserve to use your gifts and passion how you see fit, not how someone else tells you to use it. You have to come back to me. I won't write those words here. I want to say them to your face and watch your eyes as I do. This is just a break, I know that deep down in my heart. My faith in a lot of things has wavered over the years, but not in that fact – we get a second act. Me and you, on our terms. So, find your passion. Find you. And then you come back to me and to Noah. Sooner rather than later, but know, we will both be waiting. Never question that. I will be here when you come back._

_I mean it. Don't move on from me. Because I can't move on from you._

_Yours,_

_Liv_

And for the first time in eight weeks, he let the tears fall freely. He would carry those last seven words in his heart until he felt ready to go back to her. To be the man she needed him to be. To be the man he felt she deserved.

Lucia watched her son from the small kitchen, crying and feeling. Part of her wanted to go him, like she did when he was a kid and hurting, but she didn't. He needed to do this on his own. She knew that now. When he seemed to have calmed a bit, she finally spoke.

"Eggs and bacon?" she asked.

He shook his head. "Just eggs. But I think I'm going to go for a run first." She nodded. "OK. I can wait till you get back." She saw a resolve suddenly form in him. A resolve she feared was gone for good. He walked past her, giving her a quick hug. "And do me a favor? Dump the scotch." Lucia nodded at her son's retreating form. She smiled to herself, pouring a cup of coffee. Olivia would be the reason her son found his purpose. She knew it all those years ago when they met in the courthouse and that faith had never wavered.


	38. Wildest Dreams

Yeah. I'm sorry about this one. All the angst, none of the payoff.

* * *

_**You see me in hindsight** _   
_**Tangled up with you all night** _   
_**Burn it down** _   
_**Some day when you leave me** _   
_**I bet these memories follow you around** _

_**-Taylor Swift (Wildest Dreams)** _

* * *

_She looked up, sun shining on her face. Sometimes it was nice to be out in nature, in the quiet, with no one bothering her. She had no idea where her phone or badge or gun were and she found she didn't care. She continued to walk around the lake, taking in the scenery. What struck her were the colors. They were brighter than she was used to. Vibrant. Almost unreal. She saw the figure sitting on the bench. She was drawn there, even though she thought she wanted to be alone. To be left alone. To have no one bother her. No one except that figure sitting there. She made her way to him, sitting down right next to him. He didn't even look at her. He just reached over and grabbed her hand, lacing their fingers together._

_"These are the colors I was talking about. Aren't they amazing?"_

_"Yes" she sighed out, looking down at their joined hands. She could feel the heat coming off of him, through her hand and into her body._

_"You are the reason I'm seeing these. Always remember that."_

_"It gets harder every day to remember why." She squeezed his hand._

_"I know. But you have to. I need to know that you are."_

_"I'm trying."_

_He finally looked over at her, his green eyes shining brighter than she had ever seen them shine before._

_"That's all I can ask, Liv." He squeezed her hand one last time and pushed himself off the bench. The words she so desperately wanted to say to him were literally stuck in her throat. She started to panic as he slowly started to recede. She tried and tried to push them out. He looked over his shoulder at her, a sad smile on face. The tears rolled down her face, fighting with the words that refused to come out of her mouth. He was just a shadow now, the colors and light fading around him. She bolted off the bench, running around it, the words finally breaking loose._

_"I LOVE…"_

She shot up in bed. "YOU" she yelled out. She quickly looked around, rubbing her face. But all that was there was her darkened bedroom. The only light was the light she could see down the hallway from the one she always left on over the sink. She looked at the clock. 5:15 AM. She threw herself backwards on the bed, arms over her head.

"Rafa" she whispered out.

* * *

_He stared at the house, out here in the peace and quiet. The huge wrap around porch, the swing and the rocking chairs. It felt like home. The front door opened and she walked out, looking happy and breezy in her dress, no shoes, hair slightly windblown. He jogged up the few steps, stopping in front of her. Her brown eyes full of light and love, looking right at him. She was his for the taking if he were brave enough._

_"Isn't this place great?" she asked him. He looked around where they stood. "When I was little and mom was out of control, it was this place I would dream of getting to one day. The peace and quiet. The room to move around and just be. Some place to grow happy." He felt her rest her hands on his shoulders. The heat from her hands almost burning through his shirt and on to his skin._

_"This is the place." He wanted to ask why, but the words wouldn't come. "This is the place I imagine when I think about you and I, squabbling when we are 85. Side by side. Together." He felt her sigh deep in his bones and felt a chill when she removed her hands from his shoulders. She smiled sadly at him, turning on her heel and walking back through the door._

_He was frozen in his spot. He finally forced his foot to move and he grabbed the door, determined to follow her. To tell her that he wanted to be right here with her, squabbling. But the door wouldn't budge. He pulled and pulled and pulled but it refused to open. He could see her inside, wiping tears off her face, sadly moving around. He banged on the door, but there was no noise._

_He leaned against it, trying to yell her name. But she felt so far away._

_"Let me in!" he was finally able to get out. "Please let me come back…"_

He shot up in bed, wildly looking around the foreign bedroom he found himself in. "LIV!" he yelled to no one but himself. He glanced over at the clock. 5:15 AM. Another night. Another night of her, haunting his dreams. He pushed himself out of bed, heading to the bathroom to get himself ready for a long run. He needed to clear his head. And small part of him hoped for another dream about her tonight. It helped him feel close to her when they were so far apart.


	39. Home

I have made the executive decision that Olivia and Lucia will now bond over how much they both miss Rafael and will take solace in each other and she will be the grandmother to Noah that Sheila could have been but the writers decided to muck up.

* * *

_**Settle down, it'll all be clear** _   
_**Don't pay no mind to the demons** _   
_**They fill you with fear** _   
_**The trouble it might drag you down** _   
_**If you get lost, you can always be found** _

_**-Phillip Phillips (Home)** _

* * *

He just stared out the window as the plane began to make it's decent into New York city. He hadn't set eyes on the city in almost a year. He took a deep breath as the view of the skyline approached. The nerves and fear had settled in his stomach since he had gotten on his final flight in Atlanta. He sat at that gate, just staring at the sign reading his final destination. A few times he almost got up and walked away, but the wrath of his mother wasn't something he wanted to deal with. She had been so gracious. Angry, but understanding about why he had to go so suddenly. Why he had to stay away. Why he had to have limited contact. But when she finally insisted that she had to lay eyes on him, he knew he had to come home.

He ran his fingers through his hair as the pilot came on, saying they were in their final descent. He knew she was going to give him crap for how long and shaggy it was. The wheels hit the ground and he did his best to push the stress of the city out of his system. He had discovered a love/hate for New York City while he was gone. He always thought that he would never be able to walk away from this place. But he did. And he discovered more of who he really was outside of this place than he ever had while he had been in it.

He picked up his carry on from under his seat, thinking about how he always had been working toward something here. Getting out of the barrio. Getting into law school. Working his way up the ladder. Becoming a judge. Maybe run for office. Not that any of that was happening now.

"Welcome to New York" the flight attendant said as he walked past her. He gave her a quick nod, walking up the ramp into the airport. He stepped to the side when he got to the exit, watching the people. The din of the airport, the speed at which everyone was moving. It had been a long time since he had moved at that speed and been at that volume. He stayed to the sides as he walked through the airport toward luggage claim. He hoped to be just another face in the crowd. To get a little lost while he was here, however long that was going to be. He didn't have a return ticket to anywhere at this particular moment, but he could change that.

He rode the escalator up toward luggage claim and the exit, pulling his phone out of his pocket. His mother knew he was coming in today, but he never told her which airline or when. He preferred it that way. He would grab his luggage and an Uber and decide where to go from there. And he would do his best to not think about… her. Her apartment, her office, her favorite coffee cart. He could only pray that she was well. Thriving. Living her best life.

He stepped off the escalator and took two steps forward, looking for where his luggage would be when he stopped, realizing that not thinking about her was a thing of the past.

Because in this sea of strange faces and fast paced speed, he was met with warm brown eyes, shimmering with unshed tears.

"You're in the way!" someone yelled at him and he took a couple of steps to the side, unable to rip his gaze way from her. Thank God her brain seemed to be working as she moved toward him. She stopped just out of arms reach from him.

He just stared at her, standing there in leggings and a long sweater, tennis shoes, no makeup. He wasn't sure he had ever seen her look more beautiful.

She looked down at herself and then back at him. "It's the best I could do on short notice" she choked out. He barked out a laugh, still not being able to talk. She took a step forward.

"How…" he whispered.

"Lucia. She finally gave in last night when I started questioning her about why she was being so cagey."

"But I didn't tell her…"

Olivia nodded. "Yeah. I may have called in a few favors with security and TSA here to get someone to finally tell me what flight you were going to be on. I only got that information about 90 minutes ago."

"Cause you're a trained detective."

She shrugged. "Basically." He should have known he couldn't hide from her. Why he thought he could slink in and out of town without her finding out he would never know. And in this moment, he didn't care. He dropped his bag off his shoulder and grabbed her, pulling her flush to his body, holding her tight. He felt everything he had been fearing melt away the moment she wrapped her arms around his shoulders, holding on just as tightly as he was. He was worried his demons would come back when he set foot on the ground here, but she was here. His demons didn't stand a chance.

She pulled back just enough so she could look at him. Forearms resting on his shoulders. A smirk on her face.

"Nice hair."

"My mother is going to hate it."

"She really is."

He leaned his head to one side. "So, what? You two hang out now?"

A look of sadness slid over her face. "We do, Rafa. It just started as a coffee one day when I was leaving the office and she was there. Turned into a weekly thing. Coffee turned to lunch turned to Sunday dinner turned to holidays with Lucia Barba. If we can't have you…" She trailed off, swallowing hard. "Let's just say, it has helped, the two of us together."

"I thought you would hate me."

"Never, Rafa. Never. I was sad for a long time. Dealing with things that I had ignored for years. Kicking myself for putting you in that position. Hating McCoy and Stone for putting you through that. Having to now be nice to Dworkin. Any idea how hard that is?" He laughed.

"I have missed you, Liv. So damn much."

She sighed, leaning forward, resting her forehead against his. "Then tell me you are home. Tell me you aren't leaving again. Please." But before he could respond, she gave him the biggest reason of all to stay – she pressed her lips to his gently, lightly. It felt like the part of his heart that was hers had been walled off till this moment. The walls fell down the instant she pressed her lips to his.

She pulled back just a breath. Just enough so he could see her eyes. "Stay" she whispered.

"How about I just promise you that I have no return ticket to anywhere at this point in time and we go from there?"

She nodded. "I'll take it. Come on, let's get your bag. Once I told Lucia I had figured out when you would be here, I was given strict instructions to deliver you to her office."

He glanced at the time on his phone. "It's 10:30 on Wednesday, Liv. Don't you have to work?"

She shook her head. "No. Turns out I have all this leave that I never used while you were around. I've taken the rest of the week off so I have all the free time to convince you that you need to stay. For good."

He grinned at her, widely. "How exactly do you plan to do that, Olivia?" She tightened her hold on him, leaning in to line her mouth up with his ear. "Part will be the epic guilt trip placed on you by your mother and Rita. Some will be my adorable son begging you to be here for his soccer tournament next week. And some will be me and you, behind closed doors. Probably not a lot of actual talking happening during that time, but I can be convincing in other ways."

She took a step away, running her hand down his arm, linking their fingers together. He had absolutely zero words. She had possibly fried his brain. And she knew it, based on the look on his face.

"Can we please get out of this airport and go home?" He finally shook himself back into the moment.

"Please. If only to get to that last part you were talking about." She laughed, dragging him in the direction of his baggage claim.


	40. Escape

This song is sooooo my guilty pleasure. I won't pretend that it isn't. I heard it right after I watched In Loco Parentis and the scene with Stone and Benson in Forlini's (which punch me in the face SVU!). She totally hesitated at the end when she saw Stone's name on the door instead of Barba's. This is my head canon about what happened at Forlini's right after the camera cut away.

* * *

_**You should know** _   
_**It's hard to just forget the past** _   
_**So fast** _   
_**It was good** _   
_**It was bad,** _   
_**But it was real** _   
_**-Enrique Iglesias (Escape)** _

* * *

He watched her for a moment, shifting in her seat, glancing around this place. He grabbed his wine, taking a sip.

"Is that little speech how you won Barba over?" Stone asked her, seeming to catch her off guard with that name coming out of his mouth. She just stared at him.

"The less perfect they are, the harder we fight? Feels like maybe you have used that line before." She shrugged, not really meeting his eyes.

"Maybe once or twice" she sighed, looking back at him. "New ADA's always have the one case…" she trailed off, running her fingers over the stem of the wine glass. He noticed she hadn't taken a sip.

"What was Barba's?"

She smiled and he knew she was losing herself in the memory.

"There was this case right after he started. He's all gruff and grumpy and super caffeinated. These grown men started coming forward about stuff that had gone on when they had all gone to this prep school. It went on for years. The boys just suffered through. Until they all started talking. We went there, me and him. He gave me some line about how he was a prosecutor, not a healer. I told him he could be both. Then when it all came out and he came to that meeting… honestly, I was so surprised to see him there. He basically said that the point wasn't to ever take it to trial. He got it after that. Not that we didn't fight. Cause oh Lord did we fight. But that case made him see it's not just about winning or losing. It's about healing. Helping. Giving a voice to those who feel like they don't have one."

He just nodded. "And you miss him."

"So much" she whispered. He could tell she didn't mean to verbalize that thought because the look on her face when she realized what she had said told him as much. Her eyes were wide as she finally looked back at him.

Stone held up his hand. "I get it. I do. You worked with him for a long time. You two had a report. I've heard all about it. Your team is loyal to him. I can see it on their faces every time I walk in. I'm pretty sure Rollins wishes I would fall into a hole." Olivia smiled, not correcting him. "I do appreciate you sharing that story with me, though. Thank you."

She gave him a very slight smile, one that didn't quite reach her eyes as she went back to staring at her wine glass.

"You can have a sip of the wine, Olivia. You are off the clock."

She shook her head, glancing around. "I know this will sound weird, but I can't. Not this wine. Not here. Not with…"

It clicked. "Me." He finished the sentence for her. She motioned over her shoulder. "That was our unofficial booth back there. When we needed quiet to talk or think, that's where we went. I would order this wine, he would get some scotch…" she trailed off, not finishing whatever thought she was having. Not that he needed her to. That memory was hers. He didn't need to know about it.

"Have you heard from him?"

She shook her head. "No. No one has. Which is fine. He needs time. I get that."

"Doesn't make it any easier, does it?" She just shook her head. "Have you?" She asked, meeting his eyes with a look of hope and dread.

He laughed. "No. I can't imagine I'm at the top of his list of people he would like to talk to. Ever."

"You were doing your job."

"And you were right. He is a good man. I may not agree with what he did, but he is a good man." She quickly looked away, but not before he caught tears in her eyes. She glanced at her phone.

"I have to go. My nanny has already stayed late enough this week so…" Stone nodded, starting to get up with her. She waved him off. "Stay for dinner. The food is pretty good here. Tell Anthony I told you to order the filet. He will make sure you are taken care of." She smiled at him and took a few steps toward the door.

"Olivia?" She turned back to look at him. "Do you want me to ask around? See if anyone…" She shook her head.

"No. Stone, it's ok. I appreciate the offer, but… he will reach out. I know it."

"I'm sure he will." And with that, she gave him one last wave and left.


	41. After All

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I think this is new Michael Buble. I didn't know it until a few weeks ago. Something about the line about being back where we started and 'take your daughters to work day' hit me. Enjoy.

_**After all I'm excited** _   
_**That you're in my life again** _   
_**After all I'm delighted** _   
_**To be back where we began** _   
_**I believe that you can** _   
_**Fall in love with me again** _

_**-Michael Buble f/ Bryan Adams (After All)** _

 

* * *

 

The courtroom had emptied a while ago.  But she still sat there on the bench, hands clenched, staring off.  The anger rolled off of her.  Everyone could feel it.  She was bitter and angry and ready to rip off someone’s head. 

 

_Fin came running up to her as she walked into the courthouse._

_“Liv, what are you doing here?”_

_She pocketed her phone.  “No, Fin.  What I’m trying to figure out is why no one told me court was in session on this today!  If Dodds’ assistant hadn’t mentioned something in passing, I would have completely missed this!  Why didn’t you all tell me?”_

_“He thought maybe it would go better if you weren’t in the courtroom today.”_

_“Who? Stone?  Stone thought I would want to miss this?”  Fin didn’t answer her.  Olivia narrowed her eyes at her sergeant and took off, walking as fast as her legs would carry her.  She took the steps two at a time, hearing Fin behind her trying to catch up._

_“Liv!”  She didn’t stop.  She started to reach for the closed door when Fin stepped in front of her._

_“What are you doing?  Move!”_

_“No.”_

_“What do you mean no?  Fin, get out of the way.  Why aren’t you letting me in?  What doesn’t Stone want me to see?  Is he pleading out or something?”_

_Fin shook his head. “The opposite.  He brought in an expert witness.  Someone who he thinks will bring all this home and get the conviction.”_

_“Why didn’t he tell me!?!”_

_Fin sighed. She just stared at him until he met her gaze and gave up.  “I told him this was a bad idea.  He didn’t want me to tell you.  He specifically told me what he was doing and said to not tell you.”_

_Her eyes got wide.  “Who’s in there, Fin?”_

_“It’s Barba.”  He stepped out of her way as she grabbed for the door, throwing it open. She stepped in against the back wall and stopped.  There he stood, on the stand, swearing to tell the truth when he met her gaze.  Stone turned to look at her and she glared at him, taking a seat in one of the back rows.  Neither man met her eyes again as Stone and Barba did their thing and defense tried to knock him down but failed in spectacular fashion.  As the judge called the day over, she knew Stone had been right – that Barba helped the case with his testimony, even though she was livid at both of them.  Stone tried to talk to her on his way out, but she refused to even look at him._

She heard one of the doors open, but she still didn’t move.  Almost a year later and she knew what his presence felt like even before she saw him.

 

“Did you hear it’s take your daughter to work day?”

 

“Fuck you” she whispered, closing her eyes and dropping her head down, tears threatening to fall. 

 

“Yeah” she heard him reply as he sat down in the bench right behind her.  She kept her eyes closed, head down. 

 

“Liv, don’t be mad at Fin and Stone.  I begged them not to tell you I was coming.  I just…” 

 

She whipped her head around, laying eyes on him in almost a year.  She was too angry to take in his appearance or demeanor.

 

“What?  What!?!  You just WHAT!”

 

He stared at her.  “You hate me.”

 

“Honestly?  I didn’t think I did till today.”  He nodded.  “How dare you!?!”

 

Barba sighed, looking at his hands clasped together in his lap.  “I’ve been asking myself that question for months.”

 

“Why. Are. You. Here?” she spit out.  He looked back up at her and she paused, taking him in.  His hair was longer on top, shaved up the sides short.  His hair was greyer, but the dark circles under his eyes seemed to get gone.  A weight seemed to have been lifted off his shoulders.  The suit was there, but not the normal expensive, custom made suit she was used to seeing him in while in court. 

 

He glanced down at himself.  “Can you believe I bought off the rack?”

 

She started to smile, but she stopped herself.  “No.  You don’t get to be charming.  Not yet.”

 

“Sorry.”  But there was a twinkle in his eyes and she couldn’t stop a slight smile from forming on her lips. 

 

She leaned into the bench, resting her right arm across the back.  He leaned forward, toward her, forearms placed on back of her bench, framing her. 

 

“You need to tell me why you are here, Rafa.”  He closed his eyes for a moment, relishing in the use of his nickname off her lips.  He was scared there was no hope left, but the glimmer had just broken through.  He planned to take advantage. 

 

“Stone emailed me about three weeks ago.  Asked me to call him.  It took me a few days to work up the nerve.  But then I did and he ran this past me.  I guess Carmen had given him some insight into a case I worked in Brooklyn years ago.  He asked me if I would come be an expert witness.  He told me what the defense was going with and… well, I knew I had to come.”

 

“When did you get here?”

 

“Two days ago.”  Anger flashed on her face and he was scared to death she was going to pull away, so he lightly gripped her arm.  The first time in a year they had touched each other.  It was like a jolt of electricity. 

 

“You have to know that you are all I’ve been thinking about, Liv.  Being here and not being with you?  I sat in my old office, going over my testimony, and all I could think about is how I wanted you to walk in that door and not walk in that door at the same time.  Does that make any sense?”  She just nodded. 

 

“You sent Fin yesterday.”

 

She nodded her head again.  “It’s hard to walk in there.  The first time I saw his name on the door instead of yours…”  She swallowed the lump in her throat. 

 

“When Fin walked in… let me tell you, Liv… the riot act.  Up one side and down the other.  What I did.  How I left.  What it did to you.  He lit me up like a Christmas tree.  After he was done, I told him he was right.  How I needed to concentrate on this and then after my testimony, I was going to come find you.  I promise I was.  Please believe me on that.  I was going from here to your office or your apartment or whatever ball field Noah was practicing on.  I wasn’t leaving without seeing you.  Talking to you.  Making this right.  But then you walked in and… it was all I could do to spit out sentences that made sense.”

 

She pushed herself off the bench and for a moment, he thought that was it.  She was walking out on him like he probably deserved.  But she moved into the row, sitting down right next to him.  She turned toward him, resting her hands on his arm. 

 

“I hate you a little bit for leaving me like that.  You say these things and then you are just gone.”

 

“But you don’t hate me a lot?”  She shook her head.  “Good.  I can work with a little bit.  A little bit means there’s hope.  That’s all I need.”

 

“For what?”

 

“To win you back.  To maybe… to get you to fall for me again.  To finally see about crossing that line that held us back for years.”

 

He rested his hand on her face and she leaned in, closing her eyes for a moment.  “So, you aren’t leaving?” she asked.

 

She opened her eyes to see him shaking his head no.  “No.  Not right now.  I probably would be if you had punched me in the face and told me to drop dead, kind of like what I was expecting.”

 

She pulled on his arm, forcing him closer.  “Never.  Well, the punching you in the face thing… maybe.  If I didn’t think Barth would have held me in contempt or that it would have blown the case, I probably would have done it the moment I walked in.”  He laughed, threading his fingers in her hair.  “That’s fair” he replied. 

 

“Where are you staying?”

 

“For now, I’m crashing with my mom in my old room and wow… that sounds very pathetic.”

 

“VERY!”

 

“Thanks, Liv.”

 

She smiled back at him.  “Rafa?”  He looked at her, memorizing her face and feel of her hair on his fingers.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Are you going to kiss me?”

 

“I was thinking about it.”

 

“Stop thinking.”  He nodded and pulled her in for a light, chaste first kiss that was full of promises for other things to come.  They broke after a moment and she rested both of her hands on his face as he dropped his to her shoulder.    


“Can I take you and Noah out to dinner tonight?”  She nodded.  “Only if you are ready for one million questions about everything you have been doing for the last year.”

 

“Absolutely.”  She dropped her hands and stood up, pulling him up with her. 

 

They started to walk out of the courtroom when she turned back quickly.  “You aren’t off the hook, Rafael Barba.  You better bring your A game.  I’m still angry.”

 

“Consider me warned.”


	42. The Impression That I Get

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by the scene in the bar where Stone is watching TV and Olivia is hounding him and he shoots off with some line about how is she always that persistent and she replies with "wait till you get to know me better".  This idea immediately popped in my head.  I spent at least a half hour scrolling through my music, trying to find a song that would match the story.  Thank you Bosstones!

 

_**Have you ever had the odds stacked up so high** _   
_**You need a strength most don't possess?** _   
_**Or has it ever come down to do or die?** _   
_**You've got to rise above the rest?** _   
_**-The Mighty Mighty Bosstones (The Impression That I Get)** _

* * *

 

"Here's the number that you asked for, Mr. Stone." Stone looked up at the young woman. After the way he had started, he's still surprised that Carmen hadn't left yet.

"Thank you" he replied, taking it out of her hand. He glanced at it, but he could still feel her eyes on him. He looked back at her.

"You sure about this?" she asked. Stone nodded.

"Ok, but this is a bell you only get to ring once. This was in case of emergency, you know?"

"I know. I promise to tell him I hounded you until you just couldn't stand the sound of my voice anymore."

She shook her head. "That's not quite far from the truth, just so you know. I'm glad he's not my boss anymore. Good luck." And with that, she was gone. He waited till she gathered her things and turned out the light on her desk. He spent some time writing his notes, gathering his thoughts for opening statements on this case that was a crap shoot at this point. But the small post-it with the number on it kept drawing his gaze. He knew he should stop avoiding it. Just make the call and get this over with. He finally took a deep breath and quickly dialed the number before his resolve left him. It rang twice before the call was answered.

"Hello?"

Stone exhaled. "Barba, it's Peter Stone. Please don't hang up." He heard Barba shuffle around and close a door.

"No, Peter, of course not. How did you get this number?"

"Carmen. Don't blame her. I'm annoying. Just ask Rollins." He heard Barba laugh and decided that was a good sign.

"What can I do for you, Peter?"

Peter cleared his throat. "We've got this case. I'm not sure if you know anything about what's going on here anymore, but…"

Barba glanced around the room, clearing his voice. "Yeah, I've heard a little bit about it. Not sure what you need me for."

"It's really about how to work, or maybe deal with, Olivia. She's just…" Barba laughed again. "Yeah, Peter. You don't have to tell me. I get it. Let me guess. She made you squirm in your seat until you gave in. Played the guilt card. Something like that."

Peter returned the laugh. "Exactly. She's so…"

"Persistent. Righteous. Persuasive."

"Yes. All of those. Persistent is the exact word I used. She told me wait till I get to know her."

"She's not wrong. Forget how you worked in Chicago. Working with her and her team, with this unit, with these victims… it changes you. I hope you are ready for that. I'm not sure I was, even there at the end."

Stone ran his hand over his face. "Yeah, I have learned that rather quickly."

Barba leaned against the wall. "Look, Peter. Olivia's life has been this. She's brilliant at her job and in putting the right people behind bars. At times, she has almost given her life for this job. To help the victims. It's why she continues to be short staffed. She's got a pile of resumes a mile high of detectives from across the country who want to come work with her and be on that squad. But she won't. She swears she can tell by the first sentence of the cover letter if they would even be worth interviewing. She probably gets two dozen resumes a week. She maybe interviews 3 or 4 people every couple of months. After Carisi, she insisted that she be in charge of all new hires. This squad, these victims… they mean as much to her as her son. She's Olivia Benson. She is special victims. Let her teach you. Let her show you. But you have to push back when you know she is wrong. Do you think she is wrong about this case?"

"Not even close. She was right about the parents deserving closure. This girl deserves justice."

"So, on this case, you are on the same page. You won't always be. Trust her instincts, but don't let them override your own. Ever. And maybe next time, take your chance to be social. Stay for the cake. You win her over by winning the rest of the squad over."

Stone stared at the wall, eyes wide. "Wow. You really do have friends everywhere don't you?" Barba cleared his throat on the other end. "Yeah, I guess I kind of do."

"Well thanks for taking my call, Barba."

"Peter, you can call me Rafael. There's no hard feelings, I swear. You were doing your job. Tables turned, once upon a time I would have done the same exact thing as you. You know your next moves now?"

"I think so" Stone replied, looking back at his notes for his opening statement.

"Good. Well, you have my number now. If you need anything… and tell Carmen she's off the hook."

"I will do that tomorrow."

"I do need to go, though, Peter, so…"

"Please don't let me keep you. Thanks again."

"No problem." Barba hung up the phone, looking at it for a moment. He quickly programmed the number into his phone and put it back in pocket, opening the door to the bedroom. Olivia slipped her glasses up into her hair, putting the file she was reading down next to her. He smiled at her, climbing into bed, dropping the files on the floor.

"I was looking at those."

"Don't care. I thought we had an agreement about work in bed." She smiled, sliding up next to him, resting her head on his shoulder.

"Who was that?" she asked as she traced her nails on his chest through his shirt.

"Believe it or not, Peter Stone." She pushed herself up to look at him. He shrugged. "You have made an impression. He wanted to talk to someone who has been there. I'm thinking about starting a support group."

"Shut up." He just smiled at her.

"Maybe consider cutting him some slack, Liv. He knew coming in he was fighting an uphill battle."

"Because we are all so loyal to you?"

"Exactly."

"Well, I am impressed he had the balls to not only ask Carmen for your number but to actually use it."

"Me too."

She pulled her glasses out of her hair, reaching over to drop them on her bedside table and reached up to turn off the lamp, dropping the room into darkness. She returned to his side, cuddling tighter to him.

"I did tell him to stay for the cake next time."

"What the hell, Rafa? He's going to think you have the place bugged?"

"Or that I'm dating the boss. Finally!"

She laughed. "Maybe."

"Think maybe we should tell someone?"

"Fine. Rollins."

"Please. That's easy. I say you start with Fin."

"Oh hell no."

He laughed, dropping a kiss on top of her head. "Ok, so maybe we keep this between us for a little bit longer."

"Deal."

"Now, we sleep. You've got a big day of dragging Peter Stone over to the Olivia Benson side of the fence."

"And you have young, impressionable pre-law students to mold and flirt with."

"I don't flirt with them!"

"Do they flirt with you?"

"I cannot control what other people do Olivia. Can I help it if I just make an unforgettable impression on everyone I meet?"

"Talk to me about taking your daughters to work day again?"

He smiled into the darkness, tightening his hold on her. While the odds were stacked against them for so many years, now they seemed to finally be moving forward. "Shhhh… it's time to go sleep now."


	43. Every Little Thing She Does is Magic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My favorite song of all time. My favorite version is Sting on the Symphonicities album

_**But my silent fears have gripped me** _  
_**Long before I reach the phone** _  
_**Long before my tongue has tripped me** _  
_**Must I always be alone?** _

_**-The Police (Every Little Thing She Does is Magic)** _

* * *

 

He was a chicken.  He knew it.  For all his swagger and bravado, when it came right down to it, he was a giant chicken.  And that was a problem right now. 

 

He had been back for a month.  And it took two weeks to work up the nerve to finally call her.  He even tried to time it so he thought he would get her voice mail.  To take the scared man’s way out and leave her a message.  But she answered.  He almost hung up, but he finally choked out her name.  He thought maybe she would hang up on him but she didn’t.  She just started talking.  Then, so did he.  They talked every day.  Every conversation had the question – when could she see him?  Every time he deferred, deflected, made up an excuse.

 

Until last night.  She called him late.  They had already spoken so when her number came up, he was surprised.  He answered quickly and he could hear the exhaustion and brokenness in her voice.  The trial had taken it out of her.  It had ended on this day, but even the resolution did nothing to help Olivia’s thoughts and feelings.  So, when she sadly and quietly begged to see him the next morning, he agreed before he could think twice.  Noah had practice and she wanted his company. 

 

He got there early and perched himself slightly above the field so he could see her first.  As her and Noah walked down to the field, even at this distance she took his breath away.  She moved with grace, but some tiredness that he knew was in her bones.  She moved her son around like a well-oiled machine, making sure he had this and that and then sent him off to his friends and his team.  He could only watch as she took a few steps back, looking around.  He could see it for a split second – her fear that he was going to flake out.  She wanted to see him. Till this moment, he hadn’t been sure, regardless of how much she asked.  His resolve built in him in that moment.  He had spent the last few months alone, hiding, trying to fix himself.  But one look at her and he knew she was the only one that could help put the last few pieces in place. 

 

He pushed himself off the bench, making his way toward her.  He was glad she had her back to him, setting up a place to sit.  He smiled as he watched her set a thermos and two cups down on the blanket.  This advantage gave him a chance to work up some charm, some confidence, some…

 

“RAFA!!!” Noah screamed from the field, running right at him at top speed.  Rafael barely had time to brace for impact when Noah launched himself right at him.  Noah threw his arms around his waist, gripping him as tightly as he could.  Rafael smiled, running his hands through the boy’s curls. 

 

Noah looked up at him with excited eyes.  “Mom said you were coming!  I can’t believe you are here!!”

 

Rafael shook his head.  “Me neither, Noah.  Sorry it took me so long.”

 

Noah shrugged.  “Mom says all that matters is today.  And today you are here.  Are you staying for my whole practice?  Will you go eat lunch with us after?”  The boy was vibrating in his arms and Rafael laughed.  “Sure.  But I think your coach needs you now.”  Noah glanced over his shoulder and was gone as quickly as he had arrived.  Rafael took a deep breath and looked over at Olivia.

 

She stood there frozen, smiling widely at him.  Looking like beauty and home and like that little bit of magic he had been missing over the last few months.  He finished walking toward her.  She stood there by her little morning picnic, waiting for him. 

 

He got within arms-length, getting ready to open his mouth when she grabbed him, pulling him flush to her, pressing her lips to his.  He quickly placed on hand on her hip and the other in her hair, returning the chaste but promising kiss.  She pulled back, resting her hands on his shoulders. 

 

“You don’t get to leave like that ever again.  Got it?”

 

He nodded. 

 

“You are also late.  I was starting to get worried.”

 

He shook his head, nodding back toward the bench on the small hill.  “Nope.  I was actually early.”

 

“Stalker” she said, smiling widely.  He shrugged, laughing.  He looked down at the food and thermos.  “Is that for me?”

 

“Directly from your favorite coffee cart in the city.”

 

He shook his head.  “Liv, that’s like 6 blocks in the opposite direction.”

 

“I wanted to make a good impression this morning.”

 

“Olivia, you did that just by showing up.  I like this sports mom look on you.”  She slapped his shoulder, stepping out of his grip and sitting down, reaching her hand out toward him.  He sat down, watching her pour the coffee and unpack food for them to eat while Noah practiced.  The ease at which they sat there, her leaning against him as they watched Noah run back and forth with his friends, laughing and working hard, made all those feelings of fear and loneliness disappear. 

 

She turned toward him, leaning into him, arms crossing as they sat on the ground. 

 

“Just for the record, Rafa, I know you’ve been back for a month.  Rita let it slip.”  He closed his eyes, bracing for the other shoe to drop.  But what he got instead was a light kiss on his cheek.  “I’m glad you are home.”  He opened his eyes to see her there, eyes shining bright and truth written all over her face. 

 

She scooted a little closer to him, pressing herself into his side.  “And just so you know, I love you too.”

 

“I never said that” he whispered. 

 

“Yes, you did.  That day… you may have not said the actual words, but you said it.”

 

“I’m sorry I wasn’t brave enough that day.”

 

“You feel brave enough now?”

 

He smiled, pressing a kiss to her lips.  “I love you, Olivia Benson” he whispered against her lips. 


	44. What Ifs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is my SUPER LATE entry into the Barson Spring Fic-a-thon hosted by The Barson Daily over on Tumblr. I completely spaced on my prompt till I got the reminder message. I had already kind of roughly started this story but was struggling to make it come together till I worked the prompt in. 
> 
> Spring Fic-a-thon prompt: "Did you ever expect your life was going to end up like this?"

 

_**What if I was made for you and you were made for me** _   
_**What if this is it, what if it's meant to be** _   
_**What if I ain't one of them fools just playin' some game** _   
_**What if I just pulled you close, what if I leaned in** _   
_**And the stars line up and it's our last first kiss** _

_**-Kane Brown (What Ifs)** _

* * *

 

 

He gave one last wave to the crowd as the applause died down and people started to gather their things to leave.  He turned his back to them, putting his own things in his bag, still being astounded that people would spend their money to come listen to him talk and answer questions for 90 minutes.  Every time he walked into one of these lecture halls and saw all the chairs filled, he felt a little proud and a little guilty all at the same time.  He quietly always gave part of his lecture fee to organizations that helped families like the Householder’s.  Families that needed help with very sick children, who maybe needed legal and mental health counseling. It is how he justified people wanting to hear from him after he had done what he did.  And getting away with it.  It still ate at him.  So, he traveled.  He went from hotel room to hotel room, speaking to nameless faces and having rubbery steak dinners with trustee group after trustee group, some of whom did their best to get him to stop the lecture circuit and come work for their school.  But he always declined.  Jumping from stop to stop gave him the chance to have no roots, to keep his mind busy with juggling his own schedule (he missed Carmen every time he looked at his calendar and had to make flight plans) and the exhaustive travel schedule he subjected himself to.  Was he lonely?  Yeah, but only when he let himself think about it.  And think about her.  And Noah.  And the rest of that ragtag group of people that had become his family when he wasn’t looking.  Those people who had taken his mother in to their circle after he left.  He would be forever grateful that Olivia and the rest of them had. 

 

The crowd had thinned, based on the growing silence behind him.  He always took his time leaving. He made the mistake of leaving with the group once and had gotten stuck on the steps of some building on some campus, having to answer more questions and having to deal with people screaming at him about what he had done.  And how he was profiting from it.  That’s a mistake he only made once. 

 

So, when the sound of footsteps moving toward him reached his ears, he froze for a moment.  Periodically, someone who stay behind to try to catch his attention to either ask him more questions or harass him or, that one time, proposition him. 

 

“I do have one last question for you if you have a moment” a voice said from behind him.  The minute that voice reached his brain, it was like his heart stopped beating.  Months.  He had gone months without hearing that voice.  He thought maybe he was dreaming.  That sometimes happened.  But he knew he wasn’t.  He could still hear a few stragglers at the back of the auditorium, talking on their way out.  He stood straight up, turning his head in the direction of the voice just slightly.  His attention belonged to her. 

 

“What’s that?” he managed to choke out.

 

“Is this what you imagined your life would be like when you took off all those months ago?”  He turned toward her.  He had to.  And there she stood.  Olivia Benson.  In jeans and a t-shirt, jacket slung over her arm, sunglasses in her hair.  He ran his eyes over her. 

 

“What?” he breathed out.  He watched as she moved toward the steps, climbing them onto the stage with him.  She dropped her bag and jacket in the chair he never utilized even though it was always there.  She took a deep breath and squared her shoulders, locking gaze with him.  He was toast and he knew it in the depths of his brain.  Whatever she had planned, he was going to fall for and there was nothing he could do about it.

 

“I asked if this is what you imagined your life to be when you left all those months ago.  Remember?  When you dropped those amazing words at my feet then went to ground?”

 

“Liv…”

 

She held up her hand.  “No.  My turn now.”  He snapped his lips shut and crossed his arms. 

 

“The thing is, Rafa, I spent weeks so mad at you I couldn’t even say your name.  Like the thought of having to do that made me sick to my stomach.  Then the first time I had to go to that office and your name wasn’t on that door… I almost turned on my heel and left.  But, then the anger started to fade away.  I remembered you every time I had to move your scotch to get a wine glass down.  When Noah would bring out some toy you bought him.  The first time I walked into your mother’s house and all those pictures of you…”

 

He groaned and dropped his head, knowing his mother’s love of all pictures to be displayed.  

 

“Yeah, your senior picture is something to behold.”  He groaned again. 

 

“Once the anger faded, I started thinking about you.  Out here.  Traveling.  Alone.  So, I ask again?  Is this what you wanted out of life when you left?”

 

“It’s what I deserve.  And even then, this is all too generous.”

 

“What if it’s not?  What if you deserve more?”

 

“I don’t, Liv.”

 

She took a step toward him.  He could see her tired, but beautiful eyes.  The way an invisible weight rested on her shoulders.  God, he had missed her.  He opened his mouth to speak more, but she held up her hand to silence him, again. 

 

“You do.  You deserve to come home and be with your family.”

 

“What if I bring everyone down?”

 

She shrugged.  “What if you don’t?  What if you come home and everyone celebrates your return?  What if you slip right back in seamlessly, like you had never left?  What if you and I finally cross that line and go out on a date?  What if I walk over there and plant my lips right on yours and that’s our last first kiss?”  With each word, she had stepped closer till he could feel her body heat against him. 

 

“What if it’s terrible?”

 

“What if it’s amazing?”  And before he could utter another word, she grabbed his face, pulling his lips against hers.  The moment they touched he knew everything he had been telling himself about how staying away was for the best because what if he brought them all down was utter bullshit.  There’s no way something like how this kiss made him feel, how her hands felt running through his hair, how she molded against his body – there is no way any of that could be wrong.  When his need to breath finally got the best of him, he pulled back, just a hair.  She suddenly seemed more relaxed, more at peace, more like his Olivia. 

 

“What if I convince you to blow off the rest of this lecture tour and come back to New York with me right now?”  He laughed.  A real laugh.  It had been a very long time. 

 

“If anyone could, it would be you, Olivia.  But alas, I must finish this out.”

 

“How much longer?”  


“Six weeks.  I’ve got some breaks during that time, a few days here and there.  But then after that, I had planned to come back anyway and kiss you senseless like you just did to me.”

 

She smiled.  “You can still do that.  I may have to insist.”

 

“Can we at least get the first date out of the way so that way when I get back I can drag you right to bed?”  She laughed like he hadn’t heard in a long time, even before he left. 

 

“You seem sure of yourself there, Barba.  What if this first date is terrible?”

 

“What if I make sure it’s not?”  She pressed a light kiss to his cheek.  “You have set the bar very high for yourself now.”  They quickly grabbed their things and he laced his fingers through hers as they walked out of the dark lecture hall, leaving several of his what ifs behind.

 

 


	45. I Like Me Better

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So after obsessing over the Younger trailer, this song would not leave my head. A mix of missing Barba and Peter Hermann and this song inspired this chapter. Enjoy.

_**If we lay, let the day just pass us by** _   
_**I might get to too much talking** _   
_**I might have to tell you something** _   
_**Damn, I like me better when I'm with you** _   
_**-Lauv (I Like Me Better)** _

* * *

 

He sighed, looking out at the darkening sky from his window.  He would be grateful that Rita was basically letting him live rent free in her Hamptons cottage.  At first, it had been solace.  The Hamptons in the winter is cold and basically deserted.  Just what he needed after the last few months in the DA office. It gave him time to brood and grieve and heal.  But then the weather started to change.  People started to come out of their homes, come up for weekends and he knew with the impending Memorial Day weekend his days of being a recluse were close to being over. 

 

Which he didn’t think he minded.  Until his phone rang about a month ago.  Amanda Rollins.  Begging him for help, an outside perspective.  A brutal case that they just couldn’t crack.  He didn’t have to ask.  She offered it up without him having to.  No, she hadn’t told Olivia she was calling. 

 

_He was glad she met him outside the precinct.  He wasn’t sure he would have gone in if she hadn’t._

_“You still haven’t told her I’m coming, have you?”_

_Amanda shook her head.  “No.  Trust me. I may get my ass handed to me, but she would have found a thousand different reasons to not bring you here if I had told her my plan.  And we need you on this one, Barba.  If it makes you feel better, I did ask Stone if bringing you in would screw anything up. He said it wouldn’t.”_

_“I’m not sure that helps.”_

_Rollins shrugged and looked at her phone as it vibrated in her hand. “Come on.  She’s wondering where I am.  We are starting the morning briefing about the case.”_

_He felt like he had been gone forever as he climbed the steps and rode the elevator.  Nothing had changed here.  But he had changed.  At least he was trying to._

_Right before they got to their floor, Amanda looked him up and down. “Maybe they won’t recognize you dressed like that.”  He smiled slightly.  Jeans and a polo. Shaggy hair and stubble.  “There are a few perks to no longer being a practicing lawyer” he replied, shrugging as the elevator doors opened._

_The din of voices and movement seemed to stop as he rounded the corner toward the conference table.  He glanced at Fin, who just stared at him.  Carisi pushed himself out of his chair, coming over to them._

_“She’s going to actually kill you this time” he said to Amanda._

_She shrugged.  “Not if we get this guy.  Barba can help us do that.  I just know it.”_

_Carisi clapped him on the back.  “I don’t disagree.  She’s still going to kill you.”  Barba was about to open his mouth when he heard her voice._

_“OK, people. Quit down.  We’ve got to…” but she trailed off as she looked up, locking eyes with him. For a moment, it was just them.  Every moment they had over the last 6 years flooded through his brain.  He had gotten so wrapped up in feeling sorry for himself that he had forgotten what it felt like to be here, with her, working and helping.  She then cleared her throat, dropping her files on the table._

_“Rollins, join me in my office for a moment, won’t you?” Amanda smirked at him and followed Olivia into her office._

_“Do you think I should go?” he asked Carisi, who just shrugged. The crowd milled around a for a few minutes until Olivia and Amanda emerged.  He looked at Rollins, who waved him off.  Olivia sat down, pulling out the chair next to her and nodding her head at him. He quickly moved around the crowd, dropping into the chair next to her._

_“Don’t be mad at Amanda.”_

_She looked at him.  “She swears that you will help us get this guy.  She’s probably right.  Just wish I had known you were coming.  Just know, Rafael… I am glad you’re here.”  With that, she slipped into Lieutenant mode and motioned for Fin and the rest of the group to begin._

He grabbed a beer out of the frig, reflecting on the last few weeks.  It was like he had never left.  Or riding a bike.  Or whatever you wanted to refer to it as.  They got the guy two days ago.  Because he and Liv decided to just throw everything against the wall and see what stuck. Peter Stone and Jack McCoy had even stopped in to thank him for the help, the latter asking him if he wanted to reconsider vacating his job.  But he knew going back to the DA’s office was not an option.  But working with them, with her, one last time, on better terms, when he was in a better headspace – he had forgotten what that felt like. 

 

_He sighed, remembering the same exact feeling from a few years ago, after the Samra case.  He knocked on her doorframe, adjusting the bag strap on his shoulder.  She looked up from her computer._

_“You’re leaving” she said, with a mixture of shock and maybe disappointment._

_“Yeah.  I’m not needed here anymore so…”_

_“That’s not true” she replied, pushing herself out of her chair and moving toward him.  He just shrugged, not being able to find the words to respond to that._

_She stopped right in front of him.  He could see a battle being waged behind her eyes.  “Liv?”_

_“Are you… ummm… are you still staying at Rita’s house in the Hamptons?”_

_He nodded.  “She told you?”_

_Olivia shrugged.  “I may have badgered her about your whereabouts until she gave it up.” He laughed. “Man, that would have been something I would have paid to see.”  She returned his smile._

_“Please don’t be a stranger, Rafa” she whispered.  Before he could respond, she threw her arms around his shoulders, pulling herself to him.  He let the bag slip off his shoulder, wrapping his arms around her waist. The last time he hadn’t gotten to savor this moment, having her in his arms.  He was so relieved he wasn’t going to jail and destroyed about what he had done, he didn’t even realize it had happened till it was over and she was letting him go.  He closed his eyes, savoring her for just a moment.  He felt her melt into his embrace, pressing her cheek against his. He heard a throat clear behind him and he moved to let her go quickly, but she refused.  She held on to him, only pulling back enough to look over his shoulder at Amanda.  He didn’t even hear what she said, only that Olivia dispatched her quickly and turned her attention back to him._

_“You have to work to, Liv.  I should go.”  She shook her head, tightening her grip on him.  “Liv” he whispered.  “You go back to work.  But that guy in jail for good.  I’ll call you, ok?  I promise.” He knew he had to leave or he never would.  So, he extracted himself from her embrace, grabbing his bag off the ground and turning on his heel before he could change his mind.  He moved as fast as he could toward the elevator, only finally looking back at her as the doors opened and he stepped on._

He was kicking himself. It’s not like he had anywhere to be. But he ran.  Yet again.  From her. If he was being honest, he liked who he was now, but he found a better version of himself when he was in her presence. Hadn’t that always been the case, though?  He was better around her.  He grabbed his phone to call her, but the knock on the door made him pause. 

 

He dropped the phone and the bottle on the table, moving to the door.  The knock was a little louder, a little more insistent and for a moment, his heart stopped.  He grabbed the door handle, taking a steadying breath and pulling it open. And there she stood.

 

“I shouldn’t have let you leave” she said.  He shook his head. 

 

“You had work to do, Liv. I was just in the way.”

 

“I’m not talking about yesterday.  I shouldn’t have let you leave.  I should have followed you. Asked you to stay.  Begged you to stay.  Told you to work through what you had to work through with me.  Every time I thought about you sitting up here alone…” she paused, eyes suddenly going wide.  “Unless… oh God… unless you weren’t alone.  You aren’t alone… oh God…” 

 

He grabbed her arm, pulling her closer to him.  “I’m alone, Liv.  Am now, have been since I got here.”  She exhaled the breath she had been holding.  And she smiled at him.  A wide, happy smile he hadn’t seen in a long time.  He responded in kind, unable to stop himself from smiling at her like a goof. 

 

“The thing is, Rafa… I just like me better when you are around.  As Amanda so lovingly put it, I’m less of a hard ass when I’ve got you around. I think that’s part of the reason she called you in.”

 

“What was the other reason?”

 

“I missed you.  I miss you.  Every day I miss you.  That’s what I needed you to know.”

 

He grabbed her, pulling her flush to his body, arms around her waist, pressing his lips to hers like he wanted to do that cold day in February and for lots of days before that. He leaned back against the door frame, taking her weight and relishing the feel of her against him.  Her fingers threaded through his hair, her lips sliding against his.  He knew she was right.  And that she needed to know.  So, he broke the kiss, resting his palm against her cheek.

 

“I’m also better when I’m with you too, Liv.”

 


	46. Wait

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A spin on Barba returns to town - Olivia is mad and struggles to let it gone once he is back. Thank Maroon 5 for the angst on this one.

_**Wait, can you turn around, can you turn around?** _   
_**Just wait, can we work this out, can we work this out?** _   
_**Just wait, can you come here please? 'Cause I want to be with you** _   
_**-Maroon 5 (Wait)** _

 

* * *

 

He took a deep breath, pulling open the door to the bar around the corner from the precinct.  He wasn’t sure what else to do besides just pulling off the band-aid in one motion.  He had no idea what to expect.  From any of them.  He couldn’t even be mad that Peter Stone was sitting with them.  The case had been long and hard and they had won so they deserved to all blow off some steam.  It was why he had stayed away till tonight, even though he had been back for a month or so.  He wanted them to get through this case, to beat this guy who had done horrible things. So, he followed along online, in the papers, through Twitter, etc. 

 

He paused for a moment to let a few people walk past and when he looked back at the table they were all at, Amanda was the first to see him.  Her eyes grew wide and she set her bottle down on the table in front of her. He couldn’t hear them over the crowd here tonight, but he knew his name came off her lips, Barba, as everyone straightened up and followed her eyes to where he was standing.  He made his way over to the table as everyone stared at him like they were seeing a ghost.  He didn’t have any words and it was made worse by Olivia, who was just staring at the table in front of her. 

 

God bless Peter Stone. He was the first to get up, walk over and shake his hand, asking him how he had been and when he had gotten back. He was glad to have a moment to congratulate the man on a hard win in the courtroom.  Everyone seemed to loosen up for a moment, shaking his hand, smiling at him, welcoming him back.  But then they all paused, waiting to see what Olivia would do.  She had yet to look up from the table. 

 

“Liv?” he said quietly. That seemed to break her out of her trance.  She quickly grabbed her phone and keys, dropping some money on the table. 

 

“I have to go.  It’s almost Noah’s bedtime” she said to no one in particular.  He watched as she moved past him, not quite touching him but being close enough so he could feel her body heat.  He could only stare as she made a hasty retreat, pushing through the crowd and out the door.  He watched her pause for a moment, like she might turn back, but she didn’t.  She left.  He gave a sad smile to the rest of the table, moving to the seat she had vacated, pushing the money she had left back to Fin.

 

“Give that back to her tomorrow.  I’ll cover hers.  Next round is on me.”

 

* * *

 

 

She saw him sitting outside the precinct the next morning, drinking from one cup of coffee, holding another in his hand.  She stopped, noticing the logo from the cart they used to go to outside the courthouse. She hadn’t been to that cart in months. For a moment, she contemplated turning on her heel and running home.  But that wasn’t an option – not on paperwork day.  Damn him remembering that it was the end of the month and that they would all be trapped at their desks until the monthly paperwork was finished, her included.  She squared her shoulders, moving toward where he was sitting.

 

He caught her out of the corner of his eye and he stood up, pushing his sunglasses into his hair. She stopped short, just staring at him. He held out the extra cup to her. “Luis says hello.  Says it’s been awhile since he has seen you.”

 

She yanked it out of his hand, knowing that it would be her favorite.  “I haven’t been there in a bit.”  Rafael just shrugged.  “I didn’t ask for an explanation, Liv.  Just wanted to relay the message.”

 

She took a long drink, staring at him.  She legitimately had no idea what to say.  Once upon a time, she did.  She had a lot to say.  But then the weeks progressed.  Life went on. And while the anger was still there, the words had started to fade.  So all she could do was stare and drink her favorite coffee.

 

While he, on the other hand, had a million words flying through his head with no clue where to start. In the end, he also stayed silent, having no idea where to begin. 

 

She finally sighed, grabbing her phone out of her pocket when she felt it vibrate.  She turned, throwing her cup into the garbage can outside the main doors.  She turned back toward him, shaking her head.

 

“Well, this has been illuminating, Rafael, but I need to go.”  She shook her head, turning on her heel to head inside, but she stopped when she felt a hand on her arm.

 

“Olivia, wait. I just…”

 

“WHAT?” she shouted at him. There’s that anger rearing its ugly head.  She exhaled harshly, closing her eyes for a moment to center herself. 

 

“I know you are mad. I get it.  You have every right to be.  But I was hoping…”

 

“What?  That I would just swoon and be so glad you finally came back that all the anger and hurt and loneliness would just go away? Sorry.  I’m not built like that.”

 

His eyes got soft. “Lonely?”

 

“Hell yes, Rafael. Lonely.  You were… you were it.  For 6 years, you were my person.  The one who… and then poof.  You were gone.  I had no one! No one to talk to, bounce things off of. Whatever.  So yes.  Life got very lonely.  It still kind of is.”

 

“I’m here now, Liv. I’m back.”

 

“Well, good for you. But just because you are back doesn’t mean life goes back to normal.  Life actually went on without you here.  I figured it out.  On my own. And I need to go.”  She turned on her heel, grabbing the door to go inside.

 

“I’m not going anywhere, Liv.  Be as mad as you want.  I’m going to be around.  I owe you that much.”  She just shook her head, continuing inside, not turning back to look at him.

 

* * *

 

 

“MOM!   MOM!  Rafa is here!!”  She stopped short, watching her son run at full speed toward Rafael Barba, who had pushed himself off the bench to brace himself for the impact of Noah.  She narrowed her eyes for a second, walking toward him slowly.  She crossed her arms as she listened to Noah unload on him about his week.  They all heard someone call his name and Noah zoomed off toward his group of friends and the soccer ball they were all kicking around. She turned to stare at her son and his friends, trying to ignore the man who had slid up next to her. 

 

“I see right through your plans there, Rafael.”

 

“I’m not trying to be obtuse, Olivia.”

 

“The pizza was a nice touch at lunch yesterday.  Fin and Carisi ate their weight in it.  Thanks for the salad.”  She saw him nod out of the corner of her eye.  She finally turned toward him. 

 

“What are you doing here, Rafael?”  He turned into her.  She took a moment to take him in – longer hair, short sleeved polo, a hint of a tan and some grey in his well-maintained beard.  Her brain betrayed her in that moment, because she could only think about how good he looked standing there with her. 

 

He smiled.  “I told you I’m not going anywhere.  I may have taken the chicken shit way out when I left, but I was wrong.  So wrong. Damn wrong.  I will never be able to apologize enough to you for leaving like that, when it was the last thing I wanted to do.  I never wanted to walk away from you.  And I won’t get into my frame of mind about why I did it anyway. But you are right.  Life went on.  Not that I expected it to stop.  I really didn’t.  But I thought there might be a chance that…” he trailed off.

 

“I would faint at your mere presence and be so thankful you were back that I would forget how I have been feeling the last few months?”  He just shrugged.  “Maybe I hoped.”  She shook her head, trying to fight a smile but failing.  He noticed.

 

“A smile!”

 

“I think you are ridiculous. That’s what made me smile.”

 

“But I made you smile. I’ll take the win.” 

 

“I need to go make sure Noah is behaving.”

 

“I’m just going to hang back here, unless that’s too weird.” 

 

“You do you, Rafael.” And with that, she took off toward Noah. She spent an hour interacting with him and his friends and their parents and took note that not once did Rafael Barba move from his bench until they were ready to leave.

 

* * *

 

 

The darkness had taken over the squad room by the time she got back to her office.  The dim light from her desk lamp illuminated her office enough for her to see a lone figure sitting on her couch.  She sighed.  She was tired.  She wasn’t sure she had this in her tonight. 

 

She walked in, dropping her bag on her desk.  “I can’t do this with you tonight, Rafael.  I just can’t.  I’m exhausted.  Hungry. Need a shower.  And about three days of sleep.  So please.”  She dropped into her chair, laying her head down on her desk.  She heard him shuffle around and suddenly smelled… cheese.  She glanced up to see a sandwich and bottle of water sitting in front of her, him back in his spot on the couch. 

 

“You brought me dinner?” He just nodded.  She sat up, eyeing him for a moment, before grabbing the food and diving right in.  He sat there, messing with his phone, not even looking at her while she ate.  She quickly finished, taking a long drink from her water, staring at him.

 

“You aren’t going to talk to me?”

 

“You made it sound like the sound of my voice might make you throw your phone at me.  Hard pass on that.”  She snerked, shaking her head at him.  He finally looked at her.  She sighed. Maybe it was her exhaustion or the fact that he brought her her favorite sandwich, which she had been craving for hours. 

 

“Fine.  You win, Rafael.”

 

“Win what?” he asked, resting his head on his closed fist. 

 

She leaned back in her chair.  “You just win.  I’m planning to sleep most of tomorrow away, but let’s go get dinner at 7 tomorrow night.” 

 

He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees.  “Olivia Benson.  Are you asking me out on a date?”

 

She shook her head. “No. I’m just finally saying yes to you.”

 

“I never asked.”

 

She shrugged at him. “That’s fine.  I can change my mind.”

 

He pushed himself up off the couch, shaking his head and holding up his hand at her.  “No.  Don’t do that.  I’ll pick you up at 6:30. Get some sleep.”  He gave her a slight wave and she allowed herself to do something she hadn’t done in a long time.  She watched him leave. 

 

* * *

 

 She did her best to pretend like tonight was like any other night.  She did her best to ignore the amount of time she spent getting ready, that she pulled out her favorite dress, that there were butterflies in her stomach. She wanted to hold on to the anger. To make him wait like she had been waiting the last few months.  But in the end, when she answered the door to him in a suit jacket with no tie, but suspenders peeking out, she knew resistance was futile.  

 

In the end, she decided to just roll with it.  For a few hours, she pushed her resentment aside.  She laughed with him like she hadn’t in a very long time.  He allowed himself to let his gaze linger on her until she felt her cheeks start to blush.  When she asked him about it, his reply was “I feel like I’m allowed now.” 

 

They ended up facing each other in front of her building, having walked back, enjoying the cooler summer night. 

 

“Well, this isn’t the worst first date I’ve ever been on” she said, goading him a little bit. 

 

“Really?  You thought that was a good date?”  She punched him lightly on his shoulder.  He smiled at her, grabbing her hand lightly.

 

“In all seriousness, Liv. Thank you for going out with me tonight. I know you’re mad.  I know I have work to do.  I don’t expect you to just fall into my arms and have everything be perfect.  I don’t. I need you to know that.  But I’m willing to work.  And wait.  Jump through every hoop you throw at me.  The truth is I want to be with you.  I’m all in with you if you will have me.”

 

She yanked his arm, pulling it around her back, pressing her lips to his before she could stop herself. He quickly wrapped his other arm around her, letting her lead him with her lips.  She gave him one last quick kiss before pulling back. 

 

“Good to know, Rafa. I’m still mad.  More like hurt/mad.  But I know it’s something I can move past.  It will just take some time.”

 

“I will wait as long as I have to, Liv.  You have my word on that.”


	47. Longer Than I Thought

_**I think I saw you on the subway** _   
_**Riding my way home from work** _   
_**Probably got yourself a new boyfriend** _   
_**Honestly, I can't be sure** _   
_**Oh why, oh why, oh why, oh why, oh why am I stuck on you?** _   
_**I guess it's gonna take me longer than I thought to get over you** _   
_**I would have liked to hit the ground running but I fell into you** _   
_**Wanted to call you but now it's overdue** _   
_**-Loote f/ Joe Jonas (Longer Than I Thought)** _

* * *

 

 

Headphones in, even though he wasn’t listening to anything.  Face in his phone.  Like everyone else on the train right now headed out of downtown DC and home for the evening.  For him, that meant that lonely apartment with nothing in front of him but books and Netflix.  He knew he should take the train up to New York to see his mom but he just couldn’t think about doing that yet.  

 

The familiar sounding laughter shot his head up. He looked up and down the train until he saw a cascade of brown hair and a familiar looking black jacket.  He froze, thinking there was no way, but then again maybe there was… and then the woman turned her head, catching his eye for a moment and he could breathe again.  She smiled at him and he just looked back to his phone, trying not to react, not think about her. 

 

Cold turkey had been hard, but he decided it was for the best.  No calls. No emails.  He even stayed away from news out of New York.  He told his new bosses that he would work for their advocacy group, but they couldn’t ask him to do a few things.  He had heard rumblings of trips to SVU and to conferences and what-not, but he always stayed away.  Hoping his distance would heal himself and maybe the pain he had caused those around him.  He’s not sure he was winning, but he was trying and doing what he thought was best. 

 

* * *

 

He walked in to see people glued to their computer screens and phones and a few to the tv in the corner. 

 

“What’s going on?” he asked one of the interns. The kid froze and Rafael glanced up to see the familiar New York skyline above the breaking news scroll.  He looked back at the kid who had wide eyes and looked scared to death.  Apparently his no New York policy was a badly kept secret. 

 

He dropped his bag on the desk. “It’s fine. I won’t bite.”

 

The kid cleared his throat.  “Well… there was a big shoot-out between some Mexican cartel and the NYPD and a DA’s sister got caught in the crossfire and died.” 

 

Rafael whipped his head up in time to see a video of Peter Stone being escorted away from some warehouse by an officer in a police vest.  The angle was wrong to catch the face, but he didn’t need to.  It was Olivia.  He couldn’t breathe as he sat down, immediately firing up his computer to find everything he could on what had happened.  He spent the day digesting not just that event, but everything else he could find about what had been happening since he left.  It consumed his day.  But at midnight, he stopped.  He needed to stop.  He only gave himself that one day.  He had to try again.  For his sake and hers.

 

* * *

The summer dragged on and the heatwave that had taken the majority of the country by storm didn’t seem to be stopping any time soon.  It was days like this, where it was 95 in the shade with the crazy south humidity, that he was glad hotels and convention centers were attached.  No need to ever walk outside. 

 

He grumbled as he walked inside to check in.  The only reason he had even agreed to attend… well, it was because he had too.  So many training hours and expectations and what-not.  He had relented, but only because this was one of the few conferences not held in New York.  Hence the awful southern heat of Atlanta. 

 

He stood in line, wanting nothing more than a shower and some room service when he heard her name from somewhere behind him. 

 

He quickly glanced around and thought maybe he had heard wrong when a movement of someone walking up the stairs to the ballrooms caught his eye. 

 

There was no mistake.  Olivia Benson, standing there, the small crowd in the lobby murmuring her name and what-not.  He froze, glancing quickly at the check-in desk.  He hoped he could get checked in and out of here before she saw him. 

 

But, then he felt that familiar tingle that he hadn’t felt in quite some time.  He looked back to where she had been standing to find her staring right back at him. 

 

“I can help who’s next” he heard from in front of him.  He tore his eyes from her, trying to blow through check in as quickly as possible, not once glancing back to where he had seen her standing, even though he could feel her gaze on him until he was no longer in her line of sight. 

 

* * *

He knew he should sleep.  The conference started early and he needed to keep his wits about him if he was going to successfully avoid Olivia for the next three days.  He thought he had a solid plan until a soft knock on his hotel door blew it all to hell.

 

He froze.  He knew it was her and he didn’t want it to be.  If she was there, at his door, it was going to be that much harder to start over the next day.  And he needed to.  But that knock continued until he knew he had to answer the door. 

 

“I don’t even want to know how you got my room number” he said, not really looking at her, but right over her head. 

 

“Can I come in?” she asked softly.

 

“I was getting ready to go to bed.” He replied, but she scoffed at him and then he remembered he was still in his dress pants and shirt.  Pretty sure his shoes were still on. 

 

Olivia pushed past him, moving to stand by the window he had just been looking out of. 

 

“I thought you might at least come say hi or something, Rafael.”  He just shook his head, leaning against the wall by the door, looking at his feet. 

 

“Damn, Rafa.  After everything… the least you could do is actually look at me!”  He shook his head again.

 

“I can’t” he choked out. 

 

“Why not!?!”

 

He sighed.  He didn’t want to do this.  He wanted to remain stoic.  He heard her move over to him and suddenly her shoes came into his view.

 

“Why can’t you look at me?”

 

“I just can’t.”

 

“Liv.  I just can’t… Liv.  What? So now on top of not even being able to look at me, you can’t even say my name? What did I do that was so wrong? It’s not like I tucked my tail and ran out of New York, ignoring everyone who cared about me.”

 

He shrugged.  “I’m trying to move on, like I said.”

 

“And how is that going?”

 

“Amazingly well, thanks for asking.” 

 

He thought maybe that would piss her off and sending her storming out of his room.  He hoped it would.  That would make things easier.  But it didn’t.  She grabbed his face with her hands. 

 

He had no choice.  She was so close and the warmth of her hands on his face broke something loose in him he had buried that day he walked away from her on the streets of New York City.  And the worst part was that she could see it too. 

 

He finally met her gaze.  Her warm brown eyes stared at him and he knew he was done. Why he ever thought he could get over her, he would never know.

 

“Hi” she whispered.  “So, let me ask you again.  How is that moving on thing going?”

 

He couldn’t answer.  And she realized this.

 

“Well, let me tell you.  For me, it’s not going so well.  Every time I walk into that office through the door that says Peter Stone and not Rafael Barba, it’s like I’m being punched in the stomach.  To not have you to meet for drinks or to have dinner with… it sucks.  There is no other way to say it.  I hate it. I hate that I miss you so much, Rafa. Because I do.”

 

It was the unshed tears in her eyes that did him in.

 

“I’m just trying to get over you, Liv.”

 

“Please don’t.  I’m begging you.  Stop trying.” And with that, she pulled his face to hers, pressing her lips roughly against his, trying to convey her absolute desperation for him to stop fighting against them. 

 

For a moment, he thought about continuing the fight. But then she ran her hands up into his hair, pressing her body fully against his and he knew there was no point. Because as he gave in to the kiss, he found that the battle to get over her was futile.  And as she pulled him down on top of her on his bed, he was trying to figure out why he had started that battle in the first place. 

 

 

 

 


	48. Still New York

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Man, it's been a minute. The beginning of the school year got me all out of sorts. I started this chapter like 2 months ago and finally had time to come back and finish it.

**_I need your heartbeat close, don't you ever leave me_ **   
**_And I breathe your air when I land in another city_ **   
**_And I'll be that one that's got you printed on my bones_ **   
**_Yeah, you're all I know_ **

  * Max and Joey Bada$$ (Still New York)



* * *

 

New Yorkers always say there is no place like the city.  And he knew that, but it was like that had a whole new meaning once he had been gone for a longer period of time. 

 

Not since the night he left his job and the courthouse and her standing on the streets of Manhattan. And at first, it was ok. Experience different cities, different food, different cultures around the country. 

 

But it was wearing on him. Especially in this moment. Sitting in the Southern Poverty Law Center, fighting against the injustice he had been seeing across the country in the last few years.  He begrudgingly admitted that this existed even in his precious New York – the Samra case still fresh in his brain even though it happened over two years ago.

 

But it all seemed to coming to a head this morning.  Maybe it had been building for a while.  Maybe he missed the city more than he was willing to admit.  Maybe the local DA and the local sheriff being these unmovable boulders when it comes to compassion and empathy for the people that were flooding through their doors on the daily basis.  Maybe it was that he had been stuck in this room with those two men for over two hours and they were getting nowhere and he was fairly sure that his IQ was dropping every time they opened their mouths. 

 

He ran his hand through his hair and sighed.  He was about to open his mouth, to say what, he didn’t know, but the sheriff cleared his throat. 

 

“Look, Mr. Barba… I get that you have some… sympathy… for these people but we can’t just…” Barba tuned him out after that.  He’s not sure he could take one more small-minded, crazy remark coming out of that man’s mouth. 

 

“Do you even CARE about the actual law, Sheriff?”

 

“I get that you are used to a certain way of life, Mr. Barba, but down here, we care about values and morality and…” Barba just started to laugh and the sheriff stormed out. Barba left pretty soon after that, throwing Spanish curses at the DA on his way out.  The heat of the late summer and humidity was about to do him in.  He walked the few blocks to the makeshift office he had been working out of, the director of the program leaning on his desk when he walked in.

 

“Did the DA look up the Spanish I was hurling at him and call and complain?”

 

“Something like that. Look, Rafael…”

 

“I know. I’m sorry. That guy…”

 

“Oh no.  He’s an ass.  Like a giant one.  I get that. But I was thinking… we’ve gotten requests from New York for help up there.  Any chance you want to go back?”

 

He paused.  This wasn’t the first time it had been mentioned that he might want to go back.  But it never felt right.  It all felt to fresh.  Too soon. But he was beginning to miss the city. The coffee.  The food.  Forlini’s and her.  He knew he needed to at least try it again.

 

He sighed, looking at the director.  “Maybe on a trial basis?”

 

The director smiled, pushing off the desk.  “Sure. Whatever you want to call it.”

 

And a week later, he found himself actually smiling as he walked off the plane and into JFK.  He stood there for a moment, looking around at the people and the atmosphere.  But it only lasted a moment when someone ran into him, called him an asshole and took off. Barba nodded, feeling like he had never been gone and headed out.  He soon found himself in an Uber, headed toward the temporary offices in East Harlem, right near the park. 

 

He got the quick tour and directed toward a desk stacked with files.  Ah, New York.  Being thrown into the deep end and everyone just expected you to know how to swim. No hand holding, no time for anything like that.  Gotta get down to it.  It’s what he had missed the most, he thinks. 

 

But he was wrong, when an hour later, the door open and what… or more like who… he had really missed the most walked right in.  He looked up from his files and they both froze, staring at each other.  She strode over, resting her hand on the desk, leaning in. 

 

“So, what… you’re back?”

 

He shrugged.  “Feels like it.”

 

She glanced at the two duffle bags he had pushed against the wall behind his desk.  “You just got here?”

 

“Landed a couple of hours ago, came right here.”

 

“Dinner tonight?”  He leaned back, smiling at her.  This.  This is what he had missed.  Right to the point.  Granted, they had spent 6 years tip toeing around each other and whatever this thing was between them.  Why should they waste more time?

 

“Geez, Liv… no small talk?”

 

“Rafa, don’t you think we’ve had enough of that?”

 

“Absolutely.  Meet you at Forlini’s at 7?”

 

“Forlini’s?”

 

“I’ve missed it. Think we can get our table?”

 

“I think we could swing that.  I’ll see you then.”

 

And right at 7, he walked toward Forlini’s, seeing her standing there waiting for him.  And much like the rest of this city and this atmosphere, she wasted no more time, grabbing by his tie and pressing her lips to his, deciding to dispense with the banter and all the other stuff.  She knew what she wanted and he wanted the same.  This place, them… they would always be New York. 


	49. End Game

Big reputation, big reputation  
Ooh you and me we got big reputations, ah  
And you heard about me, ooh  
I got some big enemies  
-Taylor Swift f/ Ed Sheeran (End Game)

* * *

 

Amy smiled up at Jackson as he dropped a drink in front of her and Savannah, sitting in the chair between them.

“The people watching here has been amazing tonight” Savannah said, holding up her glass as they all clinked them together. The three of them had come through the DA Intern program mostly intact and bonded for life – Amy, the stable one with her fiancée and tiny apartment out in Brooklyn, Jackson with his professional demeanor in the office and flamboyant lifestyle on the weekends, and Savannah, who was the smartest of the three of them and knew exactly where the hippest parties were happening at any time, thanks to her Tribeca apartment jam packed with how many other roommates, Amy had forgotten. They may have come from three different law schools, but they hit the ground running together and were a formidable threesome.

“Carmen grabbed me this afternoon” Jackson started, taking a sip of his drink, “and she said Stone is trying to figure out a way to keep all three of us in the office.”

“He would be a giant fool to let us walk out the door” Amy nodded, glancing across the room at their bosses’ boss, Peter Stone. Tonight was part fundraiser, part networking event for the interns. Amy knew the three of them should be working the room, but after 70-hour weeks over the last 6 months, that was the last thing any of the three of them wanted to do. So they sequestered themselves in a corner table where they could survey the room and do what they did best when they were together – judge and spout off inane things.

“I don’t think we should stay. He’s such a Debbie downer” Savannah replied.

“Nice compassion there. His sister did die right in front of him!” Jackson taunted her, as they were prone to do.

“I know I know. But uggghhhhh… isn’t life hard enough without your boss being all mopey all day?”

“You are such a bitch” Amy laughed. Savannah just nodded and smiled. Jackson’s eyes got huge.

“Ho. Ly. Shit. I’m about to fan girl the hell out. Olivia Benson just walked in!” All three of them looked over to see the infamous Olivia Benson making her way through the crowd, saying hello and shaking hands with just about everyone.

“She’s fabulous. I have GOT to meet her tonight” he said.

“You just want to know where she gets her hair done.”

“And her favorite shoes. Favorite ice cream. How she stays so completely bad ass after 20 years in this job. Yes. All of it” Jackson replied, refusing to tear his eyes away from the object of his obsession.

“Breathe, Jackson.” But the three of them could not tear their eyes off of Olivia as she worked the room. They watched her pause for a moment as she stopped to talk to Peter Stone.

Savannah leaned forward. “You don’t think they are…”

Amy shook her head. “No way.”

Jackson smirked and let out a chuckle and they looked at him. “Spill it” Savannah said.

“No, not Stone.”

“God, Carmen really does tell you all the good stuff!” Savannah lamented.

Jackson nodded. “Look, Carmen has no proof. But she said there was always something… more.. between Benson and the guy before Stone. What was his name?”

“Rafael Barba” Amy said.

“Yeah. That’s it!”

“No. Rafael Barba. At the top of the steps.” All three of them shot their eyes up to the top of the steps to the man in the impeccable three piece suit, a small glass in his hand, as he ran his eyes over the room. They watched him pause, and they all shot their eyes over to the direction he was looking, which in the direction of Olivia Benson. They couldn’t tear their eyes away as they watched him down his drink and head down the steps. Stone must have whispered something about him to her, because they saw her whip her head around, staring at him like she had seen a ghost.

“I heard he had to leave town last year because people were threatening him” Amy whispered. They all knew the tale of Rafael Barba. Carmen had let them in on it one night when they were all stuck in the office very late and they were all very tired.

Jackson leaned forward. “Is… is Olivia Benson… is she crying or about to start yelling at him?”

Savannah smacked him on the back. “I told you we should have picked a table closer to the center of the room!”

They were rapt with attention as they watched Rafael Barba approach Olivia Benson and Peter Stone. Stone shook the man’s hand, having a quick conversation with him before taking off to leave them alone.

Barba pushed into Olivia’s personal space, resting his hand on her upper arm. They spoke in very close proximity to each other.

“I wish I could read lips” Jackson said.

“Shit, they just ooze sexual tension, don’t they?” Amy asked, not really expecting a reply from anyone, but they all just nodded in agreement.

“Sooo… are you three going to gawk all night or do you plan to get up and actually meet some people?” They all turned their heads to see Carmen standing next to the table.

Amy pointed. “Barba, right?” Carmen looked across the room at her former boss and Olivia Benson, standing so close, it was like they didn’t care who saw. She caught his eye very quickly and he gave her a quick smile and nod before they all watched as he grabbed Olivia’s hand, pulling her toward the side of the room.

“You three need to talk to someone other than yourselves.”

Jackson pushed himself out of his seat, throwing his arm around Carmen’s shoulder. “Come on… Benson and Barba… is that like a thing or what?”

“I ship it so hard and I didn’t even know about them until like 5 minutes ago” Savannah sighed. Carmen laughed. “Yeah, welcome to the club. Seriously. I was sent over here to tell you three to get out of your chairs and go talk to people.”

The three of them grumbled as they pushed themselves out of their chairs. Carmen pointed at them. “Behave and I’ll fill you in on the Benson/Barba saga next week.” Jackson gave her a quick salute and they headed out to mingle.

* * *

 

  
The three of them stumbled out of the party a few hours later, some number and email addresses gotten and given. They were making plans about where to go next when Amy stopped short.

“SHUT UP!” She said, grabbing her friends by the arm. She pointed across the street. And there, under the light of the street lamp, stood Rafael Barb and Olivia Benson, kissing as if their lives depended on it.

“I ship it soooooo hard” Savannah sighed as they all stood there, watching their current obsession make out like no one could see them. They continued to stare as an Uber pulled up. Olivia pulled herself out of Barba’s arms long enough to open the door and slide inside, pulling him by the hand. Right before he got in the car, he looked at the three of them across the street and gave them a slight nod before dropping into the car.

“He’s so hot” they all sighed as they watched the Uber pull off into the night.


	50. Polaroid

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by the song by Jonas Blue, a friend talking about making it a point to go see the tree get taken down, and Raul making crazy faces in the background videos during Arturo Uii.

Was it my imagination?  
I could’ve swore I saw someone like you  
A thousand people at the station  
And it’s like I used to doubt of you  
-Polaroid (Jonas Blue, Lennon Stella and Liam Payne)

* * *

 

Only her son could talk her into this. Only Noah and that new camera. She was wondering if she could demote Carisi for giving it to him for Christmas. Noah had taken such an interest in Carisa’s camera and editing pictures, she knows it came from a good place, but at this moment, she was wondering about putting him back on a walking beat.

“Here mom!” Noah yelled, handing her yet another picture. That Polaroid camera, spitting out pictures left and right.

“Remember, you only have so much film.”

“Sonny put some extras in the box with the camera. I made sure I grabbed a roll.” She sighed, putting the picture down in her bag. Sure. This child can’t find his shoes in the morning, but an extra roll of film is a priority.

“Honey, can we please come back another day?”

“Mom! They are taking the tree down tonight. I want a picture of it before they do!” She sighed, following Noah. He was right. The Rockefeller tree was coming down tonight. One last chance to get a picture of it for the season. It had been the only thing he had talked about since he had opened the camera on Christmas. Getting a picture of the tree. She kept hoping he would forget but no. When he saw the story about it coming down tonight, she knew she was sunk. Damn Savannah and Hoda for making THAT piece of information a top story of the day!

At least the tree coming down wasn’t quite the spectacle it is when it goes up. There were still people around, but not near as many before Thanksgiving. At least it wasn’t wall to wall people tonight. She watched him bounce on his toes, waiting patiently for the crowd to part a bit so he could take a picture or two.

He finally got his chance and she just smiled, watching him reel off pictures, looking around, trying to find a good angle. Maybe Carisi didn’t deserve a walking beat, but he was totally taking Noah out the next time he wants to take pictures of something.

“Mom! Let me take your picture!”

She shook her head. “Noah, honey, that’s ok. I don’t need…”

“Please! PLEASE!! Just one?”

This kid and the puppy dog eyes. It was the worst. She sighed and agreed, laughing as he tried his best to get her in the perfect spot. A street artist even came over and let him stand on his stool so the picture was at least at her level. He took three and they both thanked the artist.

“Ok, kid. How about some hot chocolate and then home” she said, taking the last three pictures and dropping them in her bag. They walked a couple of blocks and stopped in to a local coffee house. Olivia ordered a hot chocolate for him and a latte for her and a brownie to split.

“I have to pee” he said as she sat down. She groaned. “I can go alone, mom. It’s just right there and it’s one bathroom” he said, pointing to the small door by the counter. She nodded and sent him on his way, not taking her eyes off of him until he shut the door. Still with some fear from Sheila, she watched the door intently until he came back out, sitting across from her.

“Did you look at the pictures?” He asked. She shook her head, pulling them out of her bag. He had amassed quite a stack. She looked at them, kind of impressed.

“You have a good eye kiddo!” She said, looking at them and then handing them over. She got to the bottom of the stack, to the pictures of her. Even after a long day, with little makeup left on and hair that hadn’t seen a brush in well over 13 hours, she was happy they turned out, for him. She looked tired, but that was par for the course these days.

She got to the third one and had to blink a few times. She thought she was seeing things. But she wasn’t. There, in the background, in what could only be described as an epic photobomb, was Rafael Barba, making a face behind her.

“Did it turn out?”

“UNCLE RAFA!!” Noah screamed, shooting out of his seat and around Olivia. She turned slowly to see him standing there, like a ghost of Christmas past or something. A little more facial hair, a little more grey peeking through, but still him.

With Noah attached to him, their gazes locked. “Sorry for the photobomb. I saw you two and him with the camera trying to take your picture and I just couldn’t resist. Then I saw you two heading here, so I just decided…. You look good, Liv. May I?” He asked, motioning to the empty seat between her and Noah. She just nodded, unable to find her words. He smiled sheepishly at her as he sat down. Thank God for Noah and his endless chatter. It gave her a moment to find her footing. Almost a year. A few texts, one phone call on her birthday. But that’s been it. Almost a year without seeing his face and it was like he had been gone for a life time and hardly at all.

“Mom?” She shook her head and looked across the table at her son. They were both looking at her, waiting for a response to a question she didn’t hear.

“What?” She croaked out. He laughed, covering his mouth with hand. “This one is my fault, buddy. I surprised your mom. I’m not sure she knows how to respond.”

“MOM! Tell him it’s awesome that he’s back.” Olivia looked at him and in that moment, realized she had been lying to herself about how much she had missed him and how much she desperately needed him to stay.

“Noah’s right. It would be rude otherwise. Welcome back, Rafa. We sure missed you a lot.”

“You did?” He asked, resting his hand over hers on the table.

“Immensely” she replied.


	51. Last of the Real Ones

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Come on! No one else is jumping on the “Have you ever been in love?” Question from the latest episode (20.11 - Plastic). Her non-response and look on her face inspired this whole thing. Thanks to Fall Out Boy for the song.

I’m done with having dreams  
The thing that I believe  
You drain all the fear from me  
‘Cause you’re the last of a dying breed  
-Fall Out Boy (Last of the Real Ones)

* * *

 

“Have you ever been in love?”

Tongue tied. That didn’t happen often these days. She had been at this for so long, she was rarely shocked anymore. She saw Amanda out of the corner of her eye look at her, waiting for her to respond. And she wasn’t sure how to respond. She glanced over and Amanda stared at her, incredulously for a moment, before taking over the reigns of the questioning.

Olivia found herself stunned in that moment. And Amanda knew it. And that meant questions. Which took her all of 30 seconds to ask when they left the interrogation room and Amanda followed her into her office.

“You alright Liv?”

“Yeah. Fine. Why?”

“Well, it’s just rare I see you thrown by a question. And that one felt simple to me. Have you ever been in love? I feel like that’s a solid question to quickly answer. I thought for a minute you were about to give her the upper hand.”

Olivia just stared at her desk. Such a loaded question. Being in love. Having to bare yourself like that, to a perfect stranger no less. To have someone who committed a crime take her off guard.

“Liv?”

She looked up at Amanda.

“I mean, your answer is yes, right? To being in love? I mean, you went all the way to Paris with Tucker, so I just assume…”

But the look that must have been on Olivia’s face didn’t give the answer Amanda expected. “Oh. Ok then. Let’s just… never mind Liv. It’s fine.” Amanda walked away. Olivia wanted to yell after her, to explain her hesitation at answering the question, but all she could do is stare at her friend walking away.

Olivia quickly grabbed her things and headed home. “You must pay Lucy well, Liv” Fin said as she walked by his desk. She turned and looked at her friend.

“I’m just saying, you used to make sure you got out of here in time for dinner, but the last few months, you’ve been staying later. Must be nice to have someone to count on like that. Lucy was a hell of a find.” Olivia just nodded, having to swallow her words.

She opened her front door quietly, looking at the time. Fin was right. She had been more comfortable the last few weeks staying a little later at work. And the reason was kicked back on her couch, sipping a glass of scotch, tapping away on his iPad.

“There is some food in the oven if you are hungry” Rafael said, looking up from the screen. She leaned against the wall, taking a moment to stare at him.

“What’s up?” He asked, noticing her just standing there. She dropped her stuff in the chair and moved to sit next to him. She took the iPad off his lap and framed his face with her hands, pulling him in for a bruising kiss, to which he quickly responded.

When the need for air became of the utmost importance, he pulled back. “Not that I’m complaining, but feels more like a response to something and less of a ‘hey I missed you today’ kind of kiss.”

“But I did miss you today.”

“Glad to hear it. We missed you too. Especially at dinner. It took all my negotiation tactics to get him to try the rice. But stop trying to change the subject.”

She smiled, leaning into his side, his arm coming around her shoulder.

“Just this perp. She just… she threw me with a question.”

“What’s that?”

“Have I ever been in love.”

She watched his eyes go wide. He had only been back two months, but they had been together since the night he knocked on her door, bag in hand, a head of full of words that spilled out while he stood in her doorway. Technically he kept most of his things at his mother’s house, but she could count on one hand the number of times he had been out there.

“Liv…”

“I froze. Amanda was there with me and it just… took me by surprise.”

“Liv, you don’t…”

“Stop. Because the truth is yes. I have been in love. I’ve been in love with this infuriating, brilliant, gorgeous, hot-headed Cuban lawyer for longer than I care to think about. Even him disappearing for almost a year didn’t change that. I’m not sure anything could. But no one knows you are back and that’s fine. Not going to lie – having you all to myself is hot. I like it. But…”

His eyes grew soft and he smiled. “Liv… I love you too.”

She exhaled a breath she hadn’t even realized she had been holding. Part of her brain was afraid at his response. The idiot part of her brain, apparently. Because that look on his face and the way he is with Noah and how he just enjoys being there with them… why she ever thought he didn’t love her back was beyond her. He wrapped his arm tighter around her shoulders, pulling her flush against his side. She rested her head on his shoulder and traced circles on his chest.

“This is kind of a big deal, Rafa.”

“Yup.”

“We probably need to tell everyone you are back. So we can make them sick to death of our love.”

He laughed. “Sounds like a plan.”


End file.
